


here's to my yesterday

by holtzbabe



Series: love is a polaroid [2]
Category: Ghostbusters (2016)
Genre: Angst, Canada, Disneyland, F/F, Gambling, Just angst, Mountains, Road Trips, Texas, additional tags as the story unfolds, cowboy boots, door purchases, fucking chipmunks, goats on roofs, mint green cars, mustard, pig parts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-27
Updated: 2018-11-03
Packaged: 2019-05-14 11:31:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 42,111
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14768771
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/holtzbabe/pseuds/holtzbabe
Summary: It's been a long, difficult year since Erin and Holtz's fateful road trip last summer.And now: something new on the horizon. They're about to hit the road again, and what they find along the way could either save their relationship or leave it crumbled in the dust behind them.There's only one way to find out.





	1. walking the wire

**Author's Note:**

> A year ago yesterday I posted the last chapter of love is a polaroid and in less than two weeks I'm going on a road trip to see the Imagine Dragons Evolve Tour (aka the very album that this fic is based on), so what better time to send these two nerds on another trip? That's right...the long-awaited polaroid sequel is finally here! :) Hope you enjoy!

[walking the wire](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1nv9br7P7g0)

_the storm is raging against us now_

_if you’re afraid of falling then don’t look down_

_but we took the step and we took the leap_

_and we’ll take what comes_

It’s been a long, difficult year since their fateful road trip last summer.

Erin had hoped so desperately that things between them would smooth out and become easier. Even though she told Holtz that love wasn’t enough to fix everything, she secretly (and selfishly) hoped that it would. She wasn’t anticipating the sheer amount of work she’s had to put in over the last year to keep their newfound relationship afloat.

And they’ve made it.

But just barely.

Erin knows she wouldn’t have fought this hard for anyone else.

Sometimes she gets the sense that Holtz would rather give it all up and walk away if she could. It’s like she’s still expecting things to fall apart. Like she’d initiate self-destruct if Erin wasn’t keeping an eye on her.

Sometimes Erin wonders if the end is inevitable, if she’ll burn out, if there will come a day when all of this doesn’t seem worth it.

She prays that she’s wrong.

 

One afternoon near the end of June, Erin traipses up to the second floor of the firehouse in search of her girlfriend and finds her hunkered down working in the corner.

“Hey,” Erin says brightly.

Holtz doesn’t look up but grunts a greeting.

Erin sidles up to her work station and holds up the envelope in her hand. “Mail for you.”

That gets Holtz to look up. “Invoice from my plutonium order?”

“No.” Erin glances at the envelope. “No return address.”

Holtz squints and removes her thick goggles, pushing them up into her curls. “Fanmail?”

“Probably.”

“Huh.” Holtz frowns.

They used to get tons of fanmail sent to the firehouse for them, but it’s slowed down considerably now that it’s been almost two years since they saved the city. They’re old news.

Erin hands her the envelope, and Holtz tilts it back and forth up against the light, then shrugs and sets it down on the table.

“That’s all. I’ll leave you to work,” Erin says. She tilts her head and twitches the corner of her mouth hopefully.

Holtz notices and responds with a slight shake of her head.

Erin tries not to feel disappointed as she turns and heads back downstairs.

Over the past year, they’ve developed lots of nonverbal shorthand to communicate with each other, especially for the days that Holtz shuts down and doesn’t talk much. It also cuts down on time when Erin is asking Holtz for consent to touch her.

For example, in less than a second, Erin just asked if she could give Holtz a kiss and was shot down.

She tries not to take it personally. She knows there are just days, times, situations when Holtz doesn’t want to be touched for whatever reason. She understands that. It doesn’t upset her.

What _is_ starting to upset her is how frequently it happens now. She doesn’t know if it has anything to do with her, or if it’s just Holtz going through a rough patch.

A year-long rough patch.

It wasn’t this bad a few months ago. Something happened, Erin’s sure of it. There was a noticeable shift in Holtz, a change that Erin couldn’t quite place.

Most of the closeness that they built up during their trip last summer has dissipated. Sometimes Erin feels like she’s not allowed to pry into Holtz’s life anymore, ask her questions. Maybe it’s because she knows that she won’t get an answer, that she’ll just be met with non-answers, deflections, the walls that Holtz has put up.

It’s frustrating, but she doesn’t know what she can do about it. This relationship was supposed to be built on communication, but it’s awfully hard to communicate with someone who shuts down and doesn’t seem to want to.

Erin’s trying, though. She’s trying so damn hard.

 

Erin is sitting at her desk and absentmindedly tracing the lines of her tattoo with the tip of her finger when she realizes it’s been hours and she hasn’t heard Holtz. Normally, her girlfriend is anything but quiet in the lab. She may not talk much, but that woman knows how to make noise.

For there to be no music, no clanging, no sounds of life up there…that worries Erin.

She heads back upstairs and scans the room, then does a double take when she spots Holtz curled up on one of her high-backed velvet chairs, ashen-faced, clutching a sheet of paper in her hand.

Erin quickly crosses the room and crouches in front of her. “Holtz?”

She doesn’t reply, just continues to stare glassy-eyed at nothing.

Erin waves a hand in front of her face. “Holtz?” she says louder.

Her girlfriend blinks and directs her blank gaze at Erin, eyes wheeling to find her face.

“What’s going on?” Erin tries to catch a glimpse of the piece of paper, which she realizes must be whatever was inside the envelope she dropped off earlier, but it’s crumpled in Holtz’s tight grip and she can’t make out anything.

She still doesn’t get an answer, so she sighs and stands up from her crouch, then sits in the other chair to settle in for the long haul.

It takes about half an hour for Holtz to acknowledge her presence again. She wordlessly hands Erin the piece of paper.

Erin takes it, a bit scared about what to expect. Her first thought is that it’s a death threat or something similar. They did get a few of those, back when they first started and had just saved the city. A few death threats, and a lot of hate mail.

This isn’t a death threat, though, she realizes instantly.

The letter is addressed to Jillian.

 

_Dear Jillian,_

_I apologize for contacting you at this address, but you left me no choice. Either I have an incorrect home address for you and you haven’t received any of my other letters, or you have been ignoring them. I hope this one finds its way to you and that you open it._

_As with the last several letters, this one is about Ben. In case you never read or received the previous ones, here is a summary._

_Six months ago, Ben was diagnosed with stage four lung cancer that had metastasized to his brain. Over the past six months, we have watched him deteriorate. It has been the hardest experience of my life to watch him go through this and know there was nothing I could do to stop it. Last week, Ben passed away. It was peaceful and we’ve had time to prepare, but that doesn’t make this any easier. I am beside myself. That is why I am reaching out to you in one last attempt._

_Emily is distraught. Watching her father turn unrecognizable, losing him…no child should have to go through this. She and Ben were so incredibly close. She’s taken this hard. Very hard. She has been asking more and more about you. She’s upset that you never responded to her letter and wants to know what she did wrong. We didn’t know what to tell her._

_I am not asking you to be her mother. I am not asking you to meet her. I am not even asking you to be in her life, even though she is desperate to talk to you. She sees you on the news and talks about you all the time. She idolizes you, even though she’s never met you and I personally don’t think you are a strong role model for her._

_But I beg you, please respond to her letter. Please give her closure. Please let her know that she has done nothing wrong. She’s only a child, and she has been through enough. She doesn’t need to have her heart broken by you as well._

_Below are our address and phone number should you choose to get in touch. It would mean the world to Emily, and I would be grateful as well. I would hope that you have grown up enough to do the right thing this time._

_Sincerely,_

_Nathan_

Erin reads the letter, then reads it again. She doesn’t know what to say.

She looks at Holtz in alarm. “Holtz…”

“Not fanmail,” Holtz says robotically.

“Are you okay?” Erin asks quietly.

“Why would I be okay?”

“What can I do? Do you want to be alone?”

“No,” Holtz says, surprising her. “Stay.”

“Okay,” Erin says.

They sit quietly in the matching chairs. Erin isn’t sure how long they stay there, but it’s long enough to hear Abby and Patty and Kevin go home for the night.

“I want to go,” Holtz says finally.

“Okay.” Erin gets up from her chair. “Do you want me to come over tonight so you don’t have to be alone?”

“Not home.” Holtz doesn’t meet her eyes. “California. I want to go.”

“What?” Erin blurts, taken aback. “Really?”

“I have to,” Holtz says. “I have to,” she repeats, voice smaller.

“I…okay. That’s…that’s big.”

“Will you still come with me?” Holtz sounds oddly childlike. Vulnerable. Scared.

“Absolutely,” Erin says instantly. “Are you sure you want me to come?”

“Of course,” Holtz says numbly.

“Do you want me to take care of everything? I can go look at flights right now…”

“No,” Holtz says. “No flights. I want to drive.”

Erin swallows. Another road trip? California is a long drive away.

That long in a car together could either be exactly what their relationship needs…or it could break them.

“Okay,” Erin says after a lengthy pause. “Let’s do it.”

 

They go back to their separate apartments and pack while Erin phones around, trying to find a rental car company that’s open and has available cars. Holtz wants to leave as soon as possible. She suggested taking the Ecto, but Erin was quick to talk her out of it. She’s not certain that it would make it through a trip across the country and back without blowing up like its predecessor.

Within a few hours, the two of them are standing at the Avis desk, Erin with her modest black suitcase and Holtz with a battered duffle bag with airport baggage tags still wrapped around the handle from wherever she flew last. Erin doesn’t recognize the airport code.

The car they get is small, microscopic even, but it fits the two of them and their bags and it has more storage than the bike, which means it’s automatically an upgrade. Even though it’s a horrific mint colour.

“I’ll drive first,” Holtz says as she slams the trunk shut. “You can figure out where we’re going.”

They slide into their seats and Holtz starts the car. Erin unfolds her map and lays it against the dashboard.

Holtz glances at her. “What is that?”

“A map.”

“Where did you manage to find an actual paper map? I didn’t even think they _printed_ those anymore.”

“Ha ha,” Erin says. “Funny. I’m sorry that I don’t like to rely on technology to tell me where to go.”

“You realize you sound like an eighty-year-old woman, right?”

“So,” Erin says, “California? Silicon Valley, right?”

Holtz taps her thumb on the steering wheel and backs out of the parking spot. “Actually, I thought we could make a few detours first, if you don’t mind.”

“Oh. Sure, of course. Where?”

“I’d like to go see Jaclyn.”

“In Canada?”

They pull out of the garage. “Yeah.” Holtz looks over. “Did you bring your passport this time?”

“Yes, actually. I learned my lesson last time,” Erin jokes.

“Good.”

Erin’s attempt at banter falls flat. They just don’t joke like that anymore. It’s like they’re one step out of sync with each other. They just can’t get into a rhythm.

Erin clears her throat. “So, we’re going to want to find our way to I-80,” she says, tracing her finger on the map. “Turn right at the next street.”

Holtz doesn’t say anything, just puts her turn signal on.

So that’s how it’s going to be.

 

“How much longer do you want to go before we stop for the night?”

The radio hums quietly. Holtz doesn’t say anything for a moment or two.

“I feel fine to keep driving,” she says finally. “You can sleep, if you want. I know where we’re going.”

“It’s already almost 11:00,” Erin says. “I’d feel better if we both got a good night’s sleep tonight.”

“I’m fine, really. I’m not tired.”

“You will be, though.” Erin consults her map. “Hey, it wouldn’t be that much of a detour to go to Scranton for the night. You’re a fan of the Office, right?”

“Am I _human?_ What kind of question is that?” Holtz says, teasing in her voice.

Erin smiles encouragingly. “So what do you say? Please? We can get up early tomorrow and get on the road again.”

Another pause. “Let’s do it.”

Erin can’t even contain her grin. “Okay! We’re going to want to keep right and get on I-380 heading north. Should be in a few miles.”

“Righty-o, clock radio,” Holtz says, a smile in her own voice.

Maybe—just maybe—they’re going to be okay after all.

 

The man behind the front desk at the Quality Inn in Scranton is wearing glasses that are approximately three sizes too small for his face, and he keeps calling them ‘girls,’ as if Erin isn’t turning 45 in August.

“Well, girls, you’re in luck. We have a room available for you. Whose name should we put that under, girls?”

Erin rolls her eyes as she shoves her credit card across the desk.

Ten minutes later, they unlock the door to their room and step inside to find…

“Oh. Two beds,” Erin says. She takes a step backwards, bumping into Holtz in the process. “I can go back down and—”

“It’s fine,” Holtz says. She steps around Erin and throws her duffle bag on the bed closest to the window. “You don’t really care, right?”

Holtz is already kicking off her boots and flopping backwards on the bed, so Erin guesses not.

“No. It’s fine,” Erin parrots. “It’s only one night.”

She gets her pajamas out of her suitcase and pops in the bathroom with her toiletry bag. When she steps out a few minutes later, she finds Holtz sprawled on her stomach across the still-made bed, fast asleep.

“So much for not being tired,” Erin mutters. She watches her for a few seconds longer, then crawls into the other bed in resignation. She waits for a few minutes to see if Holtz will wake up and go get changed and brush her teeth. She doesn’t.

Eventually, Erin shuts off the lamp on the bedside table and rolls onto her side, facing away from Holtz. She swallows and pulls the sheets up around her neck, knowing full well that she’s not falling asleep any time soon, not with so much on her mind.

Maybe this road trip is doomed. Maybe there’s no way to turn these circumstances into something good. Maybe Holtz is going to keep pulling back and retreating.

But Erin isn’t giving up just yet.

She doesn’t care how far they have to drive; she’s going to find her way back to Holtz if it kills her.

 

_do you feel the same when I’m away from you?_

_do you know the line that I’d walk for you?_

_we could turn around and we could give it up_

_but we’ll take what comes_

_  
_


	2. thunder

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Worked through the timeline of this fic the other day and wouldn't you know it, today is the actual literal day that Erin and Holtz departed for their road trip. Tuesday, June 26, 2018. We're practically in real time now...isn't that fun? I think that's fun.

[thunder](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4AqjqOqNrjw)

_not a yes sir, not a follower_

_fit the box, fit the mold_

_have a seat in the foyer, take a number_

_I was lightning before the thunder_

Erin wakes up to the sound of crunching and opens her eyes to see Holtz perched on the end of the bed, TV on mute, hand buried in a bag of Doritos. Erin rolls over to check the clock on the bedside table and doesn’t read past the little glowing 5. She promptly flops back against her pillow.

“Why aren’t you on your own bed?” she asks tiredly.

Holtz looks over her shoulder. “Oh, good, you’re awake.”

“So are you. And you’re eating chips. At 5:00am.”

“There’s a better view of the TV,” Holtz says. “To answer your question.” She crunches down on another chip. “Ready to head out soon?”

Erin’s vision is still blurry with sleep. “Give me a minute or two.”

“Right on.” Holtz gives her a fleeting smile and turns back to the TV.

She seems decidedly perkier today. More like herself. That’s a good sign.

Erin grabs her phone and unplugs it from its charger. No new messages.

“We should probably tell the others we’re not coming in today,” she murmurs.

Holtz hums in agreement.

Erin opens the group chat.

[5:17am] Erin: _Good morning, everyone. Holtz and I will not be at work today as we are in Pennsylvania. Thank you for your understanding. Take care, Erin. :-)_

Holtz’s phone chimes and she picks it up, unlocks it, and reads the message. She snorts.

“Something funny?” Erin asks as she flips back the covers and sits up.

“Just you. I’ll never stop laughing at the way you text. It’s cute.”

Erin smiles and slides off the bed. “What’s wrong with the way I text?”

“Nothing, just like there’s nothing wrong with using a paper map.”

Erin laughs. “I’m going to go shower before we leave. Is that okay?”

“No prob, broccoli rabe.” She pauses. “That’s an Office reference, in case you missed it.”

“I caught it, actually, but thank you,” Erin teases. And, because she wants to push her luck, she pauses in front of Holtz and ticks the corner of her mouth.

Holtz notices, hesitates, then nods her chin upwards.

Erin grins and leans down to press a soft kiss on her forehead. “Thank you,” she whispers, then straightens up. “Okay, I’ll try to be quick.”

“You better,” Holtz replies, eyes already back on the TV.

Erin can’t stop smiling as she heads to the bathroom to shower.

Day Two is off to a good start.

 

When she gets out of the bathroom, she finds Holtz still sitting on Erin’s bed, this time with Erin’s map spread out in front of her.

“Ah HA,” Erin says. “Who’s the old woman now?”

“Still you,” Holtz says. “Did you know there’s a place called Chinchilla literally ten minutes from here?”

“Um. I did not, no. Do you want to go?”

“I mean, how could we not?”

“Chinchilla it is, then,” Erin says. “I’ll pack up my suitcase.”

 

Chinchilla, PA, as it turns out, isn’t very interesting. They drive down the main road for a bit only to turn around when it becomes clear it’s not going anywhere.

They return to Scranton and find a 24-hour diner to get breakfast, because the hotel’s breakfast wasn’t open yet when they left. Holtz orders some meat-covered, heart-attack-on-a-plate breakfast special and Erin keeps it simple with eggs and toast.

“What are you thinking next?” Erin asks. “We could stop in Pittsburgh on our way out of the state.”

Holtz tears a piece of bacon in half with her teeth. “Nah.”

“Okay, sure, forget Pittsburgh. Anywhere else on your mind?”

“Let’s just—” Holtz slashes her hand through the air— “stop planning. Cool?”

“Right. Of course. Sorry. I just thought—you know, because we have a destination this time—that we would plan a bit more, but—”

“Let’s see where the wind takes us and not worry about that. We don’t even need the map. We’ll make it there or we won’t.” Holtz shrugs. “It’s fine.”

Erin squints. “Make it…to California?”

Holtz chugs the rest of her orange juice before replying. “It’s whatever, Erin. Don’t worry about it.”

Erin hesitates. “Have you changed your mind about going? We can turn back.”

“No turning back,” Holtz says in a forced-cheerful way. “I said don’t worry about it.”

Erin just frowns and goes back to her eggs, unsure what to make of the conversation or the mood-switch in Holtz. She’s never experienced fake-chipper Holtz. She’s never experienced fake- _anything_ Holtz.

She decides to drop it.

They finish the rest of their breakfast in silence and then head out. Their first half hour on the road is quiet except for the radio playing.

Finally, Erin can’t take it any more.

“This is going to be a crappy week if we’re quiet the whole time,” she says.

Holtz turns down the radio. “What do you want to talk about, then?”

_You. Us. Everything. Anything._

“I don’t know.” Erin watches out the window as a truck passes them. She swallows. “Are we going to see your brother while we’re in California? You have a niece and nephew, right? I remember you saying that you’d like to meet them…”

Holtz lifts her shoulder in a half-shrug. “Yeah, I guess. We can go.”

“Great.” Erin drums her fingers on her thigh. Several minutes pass before she speaks again. “So, um. If you want to talk about anything that’s going on…I’m here.”

“I don’t.” Holtz glances at her. “Thank you, though.”

There’s a long pause.

“Did the others reply to your text yet?” Holtz asks finally. “They must be awake by now.”

“I’ll check.” Erin bends and roots around in her purse until she finds her phone and pulls it out, unlocking it as she sits back upright.

[6:31am] Abby: _Uhhhhhhh…what????? Are you coming back any time soon?_

[7:07am] Patty: _hahahahhahahahahahahaha this again?? have fun and send lots of pics_

Erin chuckles. “Yeah, they replied. Abby’s confused and Patty doesn’t seem surprised.”

“Classic.”

[7:32am] Erin: _Sorry, Abby, but we will be gone for a week or two. Patty, thank you! We will make sure to do that._

Her phone immediately buzzes.

[7:33am] Abby: _Wait what??? A WEEK OR TWO? Erin did you forget about the mayors meeting tomorrow?_

Erin curses under her breath.

Holtz looks over. “What?”

“Our meeting with the mayor tomorrow. I totally forgot about it.” Erin bites her lip.

“Ah, shit.” Holtz puts on her turn signal and for a second, Erin thinks she’s turning the car around, but she only changes lanes. “Well, they’re big girls. They’ll be fine doing it solo.”

“Yeah, but I had a presentation,” Erin says.

“Patty can give it.” Holtz shoots her a reassuring smile. “It’s okay.”

Erin bends her head and starts typing.

[7:36am] Erin: _Shoot, I did forget. Unfortunately, we will not be able to make it. Patty, can you present for me? I have a PowerPoint presentation saved on my desktop computer at the firehouse. Each slide has speaker’s notes attached for easy reference._

[7:39am] Patty: _uhh girl the fact that you capitalized powerpoint like that makes me think im in over my head but yeah i got u i guess_

[7:41am] Erin: _Thank you so much, Patty! Don’t worry, it’s only a request for increased funding. Abby prepared the research summary this month, not me._

[7:43am] Patty: _oh lol nvm ok thats fine. was holtzy supposed to say anything?_

Erin looks up. “Did you have anything prepared for the mayor’s meeting?”

“Nah,” Holtz says. “The three of you usually handle those meetings without me. Didn’t you tell me to be quiet during the last two?”

Erin coughs. “Well, I mean, you do tend to antagonize him.”

“I do, don’t I?”

Erin looks back at her phone.

[7:49am] Erin: _Holtz has nothing prepared. Are you sure you two will be fine without us? I’m sorry we won’t be there._

[7:50am] Abby: _Relax, E, we can handle it. Couldn’t have picked a better time to take off tho huh?_

Erin glances at Holtz.

[7:51am] Erin: _Sorry, this is necessary. I apologize for the inconvenience._

[7:53am] Patty: _dont sweat it_

Kissy emoji. Heart emoji. Flexing muscle emoji.

[7:55am] Erin: _Thank you, guys! You are the best! :-)_

“Okay, I think they’re good,” Erin says.

“Told ya. Those meetings are a joke, anyway. I’m sure the mayor won’t even notice we’re gone.”

Erin watches out the window and chews on her lip. “I hope so.”

 

They drive for a few hours without a break and then pull off in a place that’s literally called Snow Shoe, where they get gas and stretch.

“Want me to drive for a bit?” Erin asks.

Holtz squints into the sun. “You don’t have to.”

“It’s okay. I want to. We already paid for a second driver. Besides, you never got a break during the last trip.”

Holtz nods in acknowledgement and tosses the keys to Erin.

Erin pulls out of the gas station with a little caution. It’s been a while since she last drove. Holtz has the Ecto on lockdown except for the occasional time that she lets Patty drive it. Erin has never so much as sat in the front seat.

“You drive like a grandma, too,” Holtz teases.

“I do not,” Erin says. “Besides, you can’t say anything about my driving. You drive like a maniac.”

“I’m a perfectly safe driver.”

“Right, just like you’re perfectly safe in the lab,” Erin jokes.

Holtz laughs. “Exactly.” She pulls out her own phone and scrolls through it. “You didn’t tell them where we were going,” she says quietly.

Erin glances at her. “No…I figured you might not want them to know.” She pauses while she merges back onto the interstate, then clears her throat. “Do you think you _will_ tell them? After we get back?”

“Dunno. Maybe. Depends on how it goes, I guess.”

Erin changes her grip on the steering wheel. “Are you worried?” she asks carefully.

“That I’m going to kidnap her?” Holtz says instantly, voice hard.

“What?! No!” Erin shakes her head rapidly. “I meant…are you nervous? About seeing them? And…meeting her?”

Holtz puts one boot up on the dashboard and Erin resists the urge to tell her how unsafe that is.

“I’m not nervous. Surprised?”

“Oh! No…I’m not surprised.” Erin doesn’t buy it, but that’s a different story. “I’d be nervous if it was me. I always get so anxious about seeing people who I haven’t seen in a long time.”

“Why?

Erin gives a shallow shrug. “Nothing is ever the same, and you don’t know if things will have changed for the better or the worse. It’s stressful.”

“Yeah,” Holtz says, “but if you don’t take the leap, you’ll never find out which one it is.”

“Well,” Erin says, “I’m proud of you for taking the leap, then.”

 

They keep driving northwest and end up in Cleveland by lunchtime. They find a barbeque place downtown and soon they’re seated at a long, communal table and perusing menus.

“Ooh, pig parts,” Holtz says.

Erin makes a face. “Please don’t.”

“I’m definitely getting some crispy ears.”

“Ugh.”

“Don’t squander my dreams, Erin.” Holtz peers over her menu. “You’d better be ordering some meat this time or I’m leaving without you.”

“I—”

“Would you eat some crispy tails if I ordered those too?”

“Not in a million years,” Erin says.

“You are the least fun person I’ve ever met,” Holtz deadpans.

Erin ends up ordering a turkey sandwich while Holtz opts for the ‘Mr. Beef’ and yes, an order of crispy ears. No tails, mercifully.

“Anything you want to do while we’re here?” Erin asks as they wait for their food. “Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, or something?”

“Might as well,” Holtz says. “We’re here anyway.”

“Don’t sound so enthusiastic,” Erin says with a small smile.

Their food comes. Erin eyes the pigs’ ears warily.

Holtz catches her stare. “Come on, try one. Live a little, Gilbert.”

“I don’t need to prove anything,” Erin says. “I think I did that last summer, thank you very much.”

Holtz raises an eyebrow. “Yeah, and what have you done since then?”

Erin opens and closes her mouth. “I’ve…done stuff.”

“Crazy stuff?”

“…Yes.”

“Like what?”

Erin pouts. “What are you saying? The things I did last summer don’t mean anything because I haven’t done anything crazy since?”

“I don’t care about last summer,” Holtz says. “That’s yesterday. I care about today, and today—” She picks up a pig ear— “I’m offering you a pig ear that you’re not obligated to eat.” She shrugs and chews off a piece, then swallows. “That’s all. It’s just a pig ear. It doesn’t mean anything.”

Except it does.

Erin looks up and without breaking eye contact, reaches over, grabs a pig ear, and eats it.

Holtz looks impressed.

Erin’s eyes dart to her own wrist and she stares at her tattoo for a moment, lump in her throat.

_I don’t care about last summer_.

It stings. Of course it does. How could it not?

She has a flash of Holtz in their hotel room in Richmond last summer.

_“Our pasts make us into who we are in the present, and you can’t just pretend they never happened. I try to live my life like…like a road trip. Rolling with whatever falls in my lap. Never stopping for too long. Being open to the possibilities of whatever might happen. But now I’m starting to see that I can’t do that without also looking back at where I’ve been and what I’ve done and knowing that I wouldn’t be standing where I am if I hadn’t travelled to get there.”_

She thought Holtz had changed. Stopped trying to forget her past.

So much for evolving.

 

Soon, they’re standing in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and reading a visitor’s guide.

“Where do you want to head first?” Holtz asks. “Ooh, Elvis exhibit.”

“Ugh. No.” Erin shakes her head. “Not Elvis.”

“Whaaat? You got something against the King?”

Erin shrugs. “I just…don’t like him. He freaks me out.”

“Freaks you out?” Holtz laughs. “What? Is it the pelvis?” She does a few hip rolls to punctuate the word.

“Stop that,” Erin says.

“So it _is_ the pelvis.”

“No it’s not! There’s just something about him. It’s unsettling.”

“Alright, Crazy, no Elvis exhibit. Here, I got it,” Holtz says, pointing. “‘ _Right Here, Right Now’ takes a look at the evolution of rock & roll and its impact on the next generation of artists. _Sounds perfect for us, huh?”

Erin raises an eyebrow. “I guess so.”

Holtz takes her by the hand. “Let’s go.”

And, despite Erin still being a little upset, she lets Holtz drag her along anyway.

 

They don’t spend too long there before they head back to the car to leave.

“I didn’t offend you earlier, did I?” Holtz asks after they’ve been driving for a while. “You know I don’t care if you haven’t done anything crazy lately. I don’t care if you never do anything crazy ever again. I like you exactly the way you are.”

Like, not love.

It’s been a year, and Holtz has never said it.

“It’s fine,” Erin says. “I know. I just…liked who I was last summer. On the trip.”

“You gotta stop fixating on that trip, Erin. That was a year ago. Focus on here. Now.”

“Right,” Erin says, watching trees fly past in the window. “I’ll do that.”

Is it really so crazy of her to want things to go back to how they were?

 

Holtz snaps a photo of the scenery in front of them and then bends her head over her phone, probably to text it to the group.

Sure enough, Erin’s phone vibrates.

[4:56pm] Holtzmann: _holy toledo_

Erin opens the attached photo of Lake Erie and zooms in on it, then looks up to compare it to the real thing.

“You been here before?” Holtz asks.

“To Toledo? No. To Lake Erie? Yeah. I grew up in Michigan, remember?”

Holtz squints out at the body of water. “Right. I knew that. Battle Creek. That’s not that far from here.”

As they walk back to the car, Holtz looks deep in thought.

Erin dozes off for a bit as they drive, lulled by the motion of the car and the fact that she was up at 5:00am. She ends up napping for almost an hour and then startles awake when her phone rings.

She swipes to answer and holds it up to her ear. “Hey, Patty.”

“ _Hey, girl. What’s your computer password? I need to get that presentation for tomorrow_.”

“Uh.” Erin glances at Holtz. “Can I text it to you?”

“ _Why, is it something embarrassing?_ ”

“No, it’s—” Erin ducks her head and angles away from Holtz. “It’s Holtzmann.”

“ _You don’t want your girlfriend to hear your password? You know you’re gonna change it when you get back anyway, right?_ _Come on, just tell me.”_

Erin feels her face heat up and lowers her voice. “That _was_ the password.”

There’s a pause, and then Patty’s laughter booms into Erin’s ear. “ _Oh my god. How long has it been that?”_

Erin glances at Holtz again and can tell that she’s holding back a smile.

“That’s confidential,” Erin whispers.

“ _So, before you started dating? Oh man. This is hilarious. Abby, get over here, you gotta hear this—”_

“Please don’t—”

“ _Guess what Erin’s password is_.”

“Patty, just—the presentation is saved in a folder titled ‘Reports 2018.’ The document name is—is anyone listening to me?”

“ _Erin, this is Abby. Uh, I don’t know how to tell you this, but that’s really gay.”_

Erin feels her face turn red. “I—”

“ _We’re just messin’ with you,”_ Patty says. _“What’s the doc called?”_

“It’s saved as ‘Financial Report 06-2018’ and if you open it you should be able to see the speaker’s notes.”

“ _Got it._ _Uh, Erin, you didn’t say it was 40 slides.”_

“37,” Erin corrects. “Are you sure you’re okay with doing this? Maybe we could reschedule the meeting?”

“ _Chill. I can handle it. I might…summarize a bit. Don’t worry about me. How’s the trip? Where you at now?_ "

Erin glances up and realizes they’ve exited off I-90. She frowns and covers her phone. “What are you doing? Do we need gas?”

“Nope,” Holtz says.

That’s when Erin spots a sign for I-69N.

No…there’s no chance that—

Holtz puts the turn signal on.

“Uh, Patty, I gotta go,” Erin says quickly, and hangs up before she can reply. “Holtz, where are you going?”

Holtz glances at her but says nothing.

“Holtz,” Erin repeats. “Where are you taking us?” She can feel her heart beating faster. “It better be Lansing, or you’re pulling over immediately.”

“Come on, Erin. We’re right here. How long has it been since you’ve seen them?”

“It doesn’t matter. We’re not going.”

“Why not?”

“Why not?” The words spill out of her. “Because I’m not like you, Holtz!”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Holtz says, voice hard.

“It means that I can’t…show up at my parents’ house after years of not seeing them and act like no time has passed! I can’t _do_ that.”

“But you wish you could.”

“No!” Erin can’t believe this. “You don’t get to decide that for me! If I ever see them again it’s going to be on _my_ terms, not because someone else is forcing me.”

“You don’t always get to wait until you feel ready to jump,” Holtz says. “Sometimes you just have to jump when it’s your turn.”

“It’s not my turn for anything!”

“Would you rather wait until one of them dies and then go?” Holtz snaps.

That shuts Erin up.

“Holtz…”

“No, do you think I _want_ to go to California right now? Do you think I’m _ready?_ Newsflash, I’m fucking terrified. I don’t have a fucking choice, Erin. I _have_ to go.”

“Holtz,” Erin says, voice shaking, “pull over.”

Holtz screeches to the side of the road. The person behind them leans on the horn as they pass.

“It’s not the same,” Erin says quietly.

“Like hell it’s not.”

“I don’t _want_ my parents back in my life, Holtz. They were abusive and horrible and sent me to a goddamn psych ward when I was only 13 and they’ve completely cut me out of their life because they don’t approve of my lifestyle. I have _no_ interest in seeing them.”

“And you think,” Holtz says, “that I want to see the daughter I tried to steal 11 years ago and have never spoken to? You think I want to face the man who I tried to take her from? Right after his husband has died? You think I _want_ that?”

“She—she’s your daughter, though.”

“And they’re your parents.”

Erin doesn’t say anything.

“See?” Holtz says quietly. “It’s the same.”

“You said you were fine.” Erin grips the strap of her seatbelt and stares straight out the windshield. “You said you weren’t nervous. I _knew_ you were lying.”

“Great. You’re right. Happy?”

“Of course I’m not happy,” Erin murmurs. “I’m sad. You _lied_ to me. Why couldn’t you have just _told_ me how you’re feeling instead of pretending?”

Silence.

“I’m your girlfriend, Holtz.”

“Doesn’t mean anything.”

Erin looks at her sharply. Her breath comes out in a loud gust. “Our relationship doesn’t _mean_ anything?”

“I’m handling this the way I want to handle it, Erin. That means pretending I’m okay until I actually am. You don’t get to tell me how to cope with this. If I don’t want to be honest with you about how I’m feeling, I have that right. I don’t owe it to you.”

Erin stares at her. “I was just trying to help.”

“Distract me, then” Holtz says. “That’s how you can help. Turn this trip into something better than it is. Create something fun from these shitty fucking circumstances. If everything goes wrong, at least we’ll have something good to remember.”

The car falls silent.

What Erin wants to say is that it doesn’t really matter how good or bad this trip is—a year from now, Holtz will be trying to forget it anyway.

She doesn’t say that, though.

One day, this trip will be their yesterday. But now—now it’s their today.

And that means Erin will stop at nothing to make sure it’s a day worth remembering.

 

They stay just outside of Chicago that night after turning back from Battle Creek.

Erin is worried for a moment that Holtz will request two rooms for the night, but she’s proven wrong. They even get one bed this time around.

As they’re falling asleep, Holtz snuggles closer in the dark and presses her forehead to Erin’s chest, curling against her like a question mark. Erin lays her hand on her back and tries not to cry.

“I love you,” she whispers.

There’s no reply, which must mean that Holtz has already fallen asleep.

Erin doesn’t mind this time.

 

The next morning after breakfast, they head to Millennium Park, and it’s like all the tension between them has evaporated overnight.

“I wanna lick it,” Holtz says.

“Please don’t lick the Bean,” Erin says. “It’s probably a cesspool of bacteria.”

“Too late. I’m gonna lick it.”

“Holtz—”

Holtz is already running at full speed towards the sculpture. Erin hurries to keep up with her.

“Can you take a Boomerang?” Holtz calls over her shoulder.

“I don’t know what that means,” Erin says, out of breath as she arrives in front of Holtz.

“Oh my god. Here.” Holtz shows her how to do it, then goes back to stand in front of the Bean.

“For the record, I think this is a terrible idea,” Erin says.

“Noted,” Holtz says, and then she licks the Bean.

Erin grimaces.

“That was exhilarating,” Holtz says as she rejoins Erin. “I feel alive. _I licked the Bean_. There’s a dirty joke in there, for sure.”

Erin rolls her eyes and hands her back her phone. Holtz watches the Boomerang for a few seconds. Lick and wink. Lick and wink. Lick and wink.

“Oh, yeah, our fans are going to love that,” she says.

“I bet they will,” Erin mutters, but she can’t help but smile.

 

After that, they wander around for a bit, eventually ending up at Navy Pier just after it opens for the day.

“I bet we wouldn’t have to wait long for the Centennial Wheel,” Erin says. “What do you think?”

“That has our names all over it. Let’s go be obnoxious tourists.”

Holtz smiles and links their arms, and they set off.

They only have to wait a few minutes in line, and because of the early hour, they get a cabin to themselves. Soon they’re being lifted into the Chicago sky. It’s cloudy, but they can still see for miles.

Everything is so small below them. So insignificant. Holtz sits beside her and holds her hand.

“Can I kiss you?” Erin asks.

Holtz smiles and nods.

Erin carefully cups her palm along Holtz’s jawline and kisses her. A promise.

They’re going to make it.

 

By the time they’re driving out of the city, Erin has forgotten all about the circumstances that brought them on this trip. She’s forgotten all about the problems they’ve been having. She’s forgotten all about yesterday. If they can have a morning like this, then that’s enough hope to cling onto. She’s holding Holtz’s hand between their seats as they drive, and everything is good. More than good. Better than it has been in a long time.

And then the storm hits.

 

_just a young gun with a quick fuse_

_I was uptight, wanna let loose_

_I was dreaming of bigger things_

_and wanna leave my own life behind_

 


	3. start over

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you follow me on Tumblr you probably know that my life has been insane the last month-I started my dream job and bought a condo (yeah, you read that right, wild huh?) and I'm currently packing to move for the third time since I started writing fics for you guys two years ago. Sooo I don't have a lot of free time right now. That said, I have up to chapter 7 finished and I know the first three chapters were all posted a month apart but I promise I'm going to start posting the others more frequently so you don't forget about this fic. Anyway, go forth and read! Hope you like this chapter and it's worth the wait!

[start over](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0uxEMkzi8B8)

_can we start over before it’s over?_

_cold nights, cold sheets_

_one more lonely, empty hotel room_

_what I’d give to find my way back into you_

Fat raindrops spatter against the windshield of the car as they head out of Chicago. They’re chatting aimlessly about the weather when Erin’s phone starts to ring.

She releases Holtz’s hand and pulls her phone from her purse, glancing at the screen before she answers.

“Hey!” she says cheerfully, still riding the high from her morning with Holtz. “How was the meeting with the mayor?”

“ _Are you driving?”_

“Well, I’m not. Holtz is.”

“ _Pull over_.”

“What—is something wrong?” She covers the mouthpiece. “Abby says to pull over.”

Holtz frowns at her but signals and pulls off to the side of the road. She puts her hazards on and turns the radio off.

A ball of dread is forming in Erin’s stomach. She turns on speakerphone and sets the phone in the cupholder between them.

“We’ve stopped,” she says shakily. “You’re on speakerphone. What’s going on?”

“ _We just left the mayor’s office.”_ Abby’s voice is grim.

Erin laughs nervously. “Did they reject my pitch for increased funding? It’s okay. We can make do with what we’ve been getting from them.”

“ _Erin. He’s not going to fund us anymore. At all. He’s pulling the plug.”_

For a few seconds, there’s only stunned silence in the car. Erin looks at Holtz and sees her own panicked expression reflected back at her.

“What?” Holtz leans closer to the phone. “What do you mean, he’s not funding us?”

Patty’s voice cuts in. “ _She means that son of a bitch is running for Senate and he doesn’t want his name connected with ours, even secretly. He thinks it’ll get out and ruin his campaign.”_

_“What he actually said was that we’re not worth the risk anymore because we haven’t been doing anything of value in months and we’ve been even more of a pain-in-the-ass than usual lately.”_

“I resent that,” Holtz says. “I think we’ve been exactly as much of a pain-in-the-ass as we always have.”

Erin gives her a look. “This is serious, Holtz.”

“ _He gave a few examples_ ,” Abby says. “ _The library last month, for one_.”

“Building damage is a natural side effect of the work we do,” Holtz whines. “We can’t help it.”

“We’ve got to fight this,” Erin says.

“ _It’s too late_ ,” Abby says. “ _His mind was made up before we got there. He didn’t even let us speak. We have until the end of July.”_

“And then what?” Erin asks in a small voice.

“ _We’re done. The Ghostbusters are over.”_

 

It takes Erin a long time to stop shaking after they’ve ended their call with Abby and Patty.

“Erin, you know we’ll be okay,” Holtz says. “Screw him, but this isn’t the end of the Ghostbusters. Abby’s just dramatic.”

“I don’t know how we’ll be able to _continue,_ ” Erin says. “We couldn’t even afford a month of renting the firehouse. We’ll have to move out—and we won’t be able to pay for the equipment we have, or—”

“Breathe. We were doing just fine before the mayor started footing our bills, and we’ll be fine without him now.”

“We were working out of a _restaurant_ , Holtz. I mean, what are we going to do with the containment unit? That’s not something we can just pack up and shove in the back of a moving truck.” Erin drops her head to thunk against the glove compartment. “We’re screwed.”

“God. You’re just as dramatic as Abby.”

“I’m just trying to be realistic about this. Our monthly expenses are through the roof. I know the numbers. Why do you think I was going to ask for more money today? Even the funding we were getting wasn’t enough to cover our costs. None of us have that kind of money lying around.”

“I do,” Holtz says casually.

Erin lifts her head and looks sharply at her. “You’re not touching your inheritance. I won’t let you blow through your safety net just to prolong the life of the Ghostbusters for a few months. Not happening. What would your parents think? What would your _ancestors_ think?”

Holtz laughs. “First of all, I decide what I do with my money, not you. Second of all, my crackpot ancestors would be _delighted_ if I took their invention money and used it to fund paranormal research. That right there is the epitome of carrying on the family spirit. Better than Jaclyn blowing all hers on weed, if you ask me. Regardless, I wouldn’t have to go anywhere near my inheritance to fund us for years with no sweat off my back.”

“Holtz, I don’t think you know how much money I’m talking about.”

“And I don’t think you know how much money I’ve got lying around gathering dust. Hell, at this very moment I’ve got a foreign buyer looking at purchasing another two of my paintings. Or if you don’t want to go near that money, I could easily license the usage rights to any number of patents I have on our tech.”

“We said we weren’t going to do that. It could be dangerous.”

Holtz shrugs. “We could be selective. Anyway, that was just an example. We have tons of options. Nothing is over yet. We still have a month to figure it out.”

“I know.” Erin exhales, watching the windshield wipers swish back and forth. “This just sucks. It really sucks.”

“Not the worst thing that’s happened this week,” Holtz replies.

Erin doesn’t say anything else after that.

 

The rain follows them into Wisconsin.

The morning feels a million miles away from them as they stop for lunch in Madison.

The server who takes their order pauses after she collects their menus.

“Do I know you guys from somewhere?”

“I don’t think so,” Erin says. “We’re not from around here.”

“You look so familiar.” She clucks her tongue. “No matter.”

Holtz meets Erin’s eyes across the table but waits until the server is gone to speak.

“Not in the mood for fans today?”

Erin shrugs. “It just seems like bad timing.”

“Alright, you need to forget about all this crap with the mayor. This trip has enough making it sucky without that hanging over our heads, too. Let’s not think about it until we get back.”

Erin takes a small sip from her water glass and nods. “You’re right. I’ll stop.”

When their server comes with their food, Holtz is in the restroom.

“Hey, before you go,” Erin says to the server, “what’s something cool around here that we could go see before we leave? Something…maybe unusual? Interesting? A little weird? But something I could naturally stumble upon?”

The server blinks down at her.

“I’m not allowed to look up stuff to do,” Erin explains. “I’m supposed to be seeing where the wind takes us. But if you could, you know, blow me—not…oh, that came out wrong—you know what I mean.”

“I, uh…”

Erin looks around and then leans closer to the poor woman. “We’re the Ghostbusters. That’s probably how you recognized us.”

The woman’s face lights up. “Yes! That’s it!”

“So?” Erin asks. She sees Holtz come out of the bathroom. “Anything coming to mind?”

“Uh…the Mustard Museum, maybe?”

“Perfect. Where’s that?”

“Middleton—about 15 minutes from here.”

“Thank you very much—” Erin reads her nametag— “Jillian. Oh, that’s funny.”

“What’s funny?” Holtz says as she slides into her seat.

Erin points at the server. “Her name is Jillian too.”

“Wicked.” Holtz salutes. “How d’you do.”

Jillian-the-server beams. “I’m great, Holtzmann.”

“Ah.” Holtz leans back in her chair and winks with an easy grin. “You figured it out.”

Jillian blushes, still looking exclusively at Holtz. “Well, enjoy your meal.”

As she slinks away, Erin gives Holtz a look. “Guess _I_ don’t need to enjoy my meal.”

“Hm?”

“Nothing.” Erin stabs a bite of her salad with her fork. “Maybe next time can you _not_ flirt so openly in front of me?”

Holtz makes a face. “What? I wasn’t flirting.”

“Sure. I mean, you did wink at her, but…”

“It’s a wink, Erin. I wink at lots of people. That doesn’t mean I want to bang them.”

“Who said anything about wanting to bang her? I just said you were flirting.”

Holtz rolls her eyes. “Erin.”

“No, you’re right. I mean, you don’t wink at _me_ anymore.”

“Erin. You sound like a middle-schooler.”

Erin pouts into her salad.

Holtz leans forward over the table. “You’re not actually _mad_ at me over this.”

“No, of course not,” Erin says. “Why would I be mad about my girlfriend flirting with other women in front of me?”

“I’m sorry, okay?” Holtz says in a small voice. “I didn’t think I was flirting, but I’m sorry it came across that way. I’m not trying to be a dick and I don’t want you to be mad at me.”

Erin takes in her slumped, defeated form and swallows.

“It’s okay. I know. I’m not mad.”

Holtz still looks crushed.

“Hey, so, um,” Erin says, “I was going to surprise you but…there’s a Mustard Museum nearby that I thought we could go check out. I thought maybe that was something that you’d be into.”

Holtz perks up. “Really?”

“Yeah. It’s like 15 minutes from here. What do you think?”

“What do I think? Of a _Mustard Museum?_ Uh, _hell_ yeah.”

Erin smiles, already forgetting about the fight.

 

“I have never seen so much mustard in my life,” Holtz says happily. “I want to try all of them.”

“There are literally hundreds of kinds to sample,” Erin says as she surveys the tasting bar.

“Yup. Isn’t it spectacular?”

“Get to it, then.” Erin gestures. “The mustards are waiting.”

Holtz manages to sample at least 30 before she gives up.

“That was a valiant effort,” Erin says.

In the gift shop, Holtz purchases $150 of assorted mustards and a black and yellow shirt printed with the ‘Periodic Table of Mustards.’

“You’ve gotta get one too,” Holtz says, tugging it on over her crop top.

Erin examines the shirt, which says _Periodically, things get absolutely, positively condimentally elementary_.

“Why not,” she says.

Holtz pumps her fist in the air.

 

Erin glances over as she drives to see Holtz lick mustard off her pinky from the jar in her hand.

“I thought that one was a gift?” she asks.

“It was,” Holtz says, “a gift to myself.”

Erin smiles and checks her mirrors. “Just don’t spill it in the car.”

“Oh, Claire.”

Erin looks sharply over at Holtz. “What? Why’d you call me Claire? Who’s Claire?”

“Oh, Claire’s not a person.”

“What, is she a character? Like, a super neurotic character or something? Am I a Claire?”

“Oh, Claire. Look out the window.”

“Stop calling me Claire!”

Then Erin spots the sign on the side of the road.

_EAU CLAIRE_

_NEXT EXIT_

“Oh.”

“Claire.”

Erin can hear the smirk in Holtz’s voice.

“I hate you,” Erin says. “Do you want to go?”

“Absolutely, Claire.”

Erin rolls her eyes and puts the turn signal on.

 

Soon, they’re walking the streets of Eau Claire, Wisconsin, waffle cones in hand. Erin selected lemon poppyseed ice cream, and Holtz is currently licking one scoop of a flavour called ‘This $&@! Just Got Serious’ and one scoop of ‘Fat Elvis.’ There’s no doubt in Erin’s mind that she picked the second one just to mess with her.

They wander up and down the streets, popping into shops they pass. They end up in a massive antique store.

Erin finds a lovely glass vase as well as a small painting that will look perfect in her bathroom.

She hunts down Holtz, who’s standing in front of a door.

Not a _door_ —just a door. Old, wooden, intricately carved.

“Isn’t this the most beautiful door you’ve ever seen in your life?” Holtz says.

“It’s very nice,” Erin confirms.

“It’s $7,000,” Holtz says.

“ _What?_ Who would pay $7,000 for a door?”

Holtz slowly turns her head, the corner of her mouth twisted up.

Erin’s own smile slips from her face. “Wait. Holtz. Tell me you _didn’t_.”

“Oh, I did,” Holtz says, eyes glinting. “How could I not? It’s a door! It’s literally a _symbol_ of possibility.”

“What are you—how are you—where are you going to _put it?_ ”

“In my home, obviously.”

“Yeah, alright, and how are you going to get it back to New York?”

Holtz looks back at the door. “Ah.”

“That won’t fit in the car.”

“Sure it will.”

“Holtz, _we_ barely fit in the car.”

“S’not my fault you picked a tiny car.” Holtz looks the door up and down. “We can totally cram this in there.”

“You want to ‘cram’ your $7,000 door into our car?”

One of the shop’s employees, an elderly man, is walking by and stops. “I’m sorry, I couldn’t help but overhear. Ma’am, did anyone tell you that we can ship anywhere in the country?”

“Someone may have.” Holtz winks at Erin.

“Oh my god.” Erin walks away to pay for her items, shaking her head as she goes.

 

They get to Minneapolis in time for a late dinner. They each get a Juicy Lucy because Holtz says they have to, and Erin enjoys hers more than she anticipated. She’s not usually a cheese person.

After dinner, they walk around the Minneapolis Sculpture Garden and Erin has to hold Holtz back from trying to climb on several of the sculptures. After that, they decide they want to drive a little further before stopping for the night, so they leave and drive for another hour.

They find a Holiday Inn in St. Cloud with available rooms, and soon they’re swimming in the hotel’s indoor pool. Erin is glad that she thought to pack her swimsuit. She was mostly thinking of the Pacific when she threw it in her suitcase, but this is good too.

Holtz hops up on her back to try to dunk her, but Erin grew up with a twin brother, which means her reflexes are quick. She manages to get Holtz off her back _and_ dunk her instead in one fluid motion. Holtz’s head pops up and she laughs as she treads water.

“Oh, you’re going to get it, Gilbert,” she says.

“Bring it on,” Erin says, then does a perfect backstroke in the direction of the shallow end. Once she gets to where her feet reach the ground, she stops and waits for Holtz.

When Holtz reaches her, she hooks her arms around Erin’s neck and koala-hugs her, hiking her legs around her waist.

“That the best you got?” Erin says, out of breath (and not from swimming).

Holtz tilts her head with a smirk. She slowly leans in and kisses her.

Erin reacts immediately, eagerly kissing her back and sliding her hands up Holtz’s wet back to pull her closer. The kiss rapidly intensifies, which startles Erin. It hasn’t been like this in a long time.

She doesn’t dwell on the thought for long, because Holtz’s tongue is in her mouth and it’s _very_ distracting.

“ _Hey,_ ” a female voice shouts, the word echoing around the pool, “there are _children_ here.”

Erin pulls away from Holtz and looks around to locate the source. She spots a fully-dressed woman standing at the edge of the pool with her arms crossed and a pinched look on her face. A _Make America Great Again_ hat perches offensively on her head.

The children in question are splashing around at the other end of the pool, not even looking their way.

“I think they’ll survive,” Erin calls to the woman.

Holtz kisses her way up her neck. Erin’s heart hammers.

“I’m going to report you to the hotel staff,” the woman snaps.

“Go nuts,” Erin says. “I’m going to keep kissing my girlfriend.”

The woman splutters angrily as she backs up from the pool.

“That,” Holtz says throatily in her ear, “was the hottest thing.”

Erin’s knees go weak.

“Well—”

Before she can say another word, Holtz careens to the left, using her full body weight to pull Erin with her and dunk her underwater before she even knows what’s happening.

Holtz releases her grip immediately and Erin surfaces, water running down her forehead and into her eyes. She gasps.

“ _You!_ ”

Holtz is floating on her back a foot away, laughing.

Erin lowers her voice. “Did you just use _seduction_ to dunk me?”

“Maaaybe,” Holtz singsongs.

Erin splashes her. “I can’t believe you! Here I thought you actually _wanted me_ for once—” she breaks off. She didn’t mean to say that. She never wants to make Holtz feel guilty for the lack of physical intimacy between them.

Holtz swims closer and stands, eyebrows raised. “Who’s to say I didn’t?”

“Did you?” Erin breathes.

Holtz’s lips twist. She looks over her shoulder at the kids in the deep end, and then extends her hand to Erin wordlessly.

Erin has always found it particularly excruciating to walk through water, but this is like agony. They can’t get out of the pool fast enough. They practically trip over each other as they clamber up the stairs and to the chairs where they left their shoes and towels.

They run hand-in-hand down the hotel hallway, clutching their respective towels loosely around their torsos, leaving a trail of water behind them.

Erin fumbles for a solid ten seconds at their room’s door trying to get their key card to work before she finally gets the green light and they burst in. The door has barely swung shut behind them before Holtz has her pressed up against it and is kissing her again. They both let their towels fall to the floor, and Erin drops the room key as well so she can pull Holtz closer. She smells and tastes like chlorine. It shouldn’t be turning Erin on, but it is.

“Bed?” Holtz mumbles against her lips.

“No, wait.” Erin pulls back enough to see Holtz’s face. “We’re wet.”

Holtz raises an eyebrow. “I find it works better that way.”

Erin dissolves into giggles. “No, I meant that if we get in the bed, we’re going to get the sheets wet with pool water. That’s going to be gross to sleep in.”

Holtz looks pensive for a second. “Shower?” she asks.

The giggliness is gone. “God, yes,” Erin breathes.

They stumble into the microscopic bathroom. Erin flips the fan on as they pass. Holtz gives her a look.

“Don’t want it to get too steamy in here,” Erin says by way of explanation.

“No, who would want that?” Holtz replies wryly.

Erin cranks the water on and struggles for a few seconds to figure out how to turn the shower head on. Once she finally does, she turns back to Holtz and hovers her hand over the strap of her black bikini top.

“Can I?” she asks.

Still smiling, Holtz bites her lip, nods, and turns so Erin can untie it. As Erin tries to undo the double knot around her neck, she feels Holtz tense up, and she doesn’t need to see her face to know that she should move away.

She quickly takes a step backwards and swallows. “Holtz?” she says quietly.

Holtz’s shoulders slump. She slowly turns back around, and her face is unreadable. She looks disappointed, though.

“I’m sorry,” she whispers.

“You never have to apologize,” Erin says softly. “ _Never_. It’s okay.”

Holtz sits on the edge of the bathtub and hangs her head. Erin flips the toilet seat cover down and sits on that, giving her space.

“You okay?”

Holtz nods sullenly. She scratches her neck. “I really wanted—I didn’t mean to—I—I don’t know why—”

“It’s okay,” Erin repeats. “Really. You don’t need a reason.”

Holtz looks up and nods again, obviously relieved. “Thank you.”

They sit there silently for a bit, fan whirring overhead.

“I think I’m going to take a shower while it’s running,” Erin says finally. “I hate leaving chlorine on my skin.”

“Oh, yeah, definitely,” Holtz says. She stands. “I’ll let you do that.”

“You don’t have to leave,” Erin says quickly. “I mean—no pressure—I just…you could stay.”

Holtz considers that. “Okay,” she says. “Trade you spots?”

Erin smiles and stands up from the toilet seat. “It’s all yours.”

Holtz takes a seat while Erin reaches back to untie the strap on her own top. She pulls it off and lets it fall to the tiled floor. Holtz is very unabashedly watching her.

She wiggles out of her bottoms as well, letting them pool around her feet, and turns to feel the water temperature. It’s about right, so she steps into the tub.

When she turns back around, Holtz is still sitting on the closed toilet, now spinning Erin’s bikini bottoms around her finger. Erin feels her cheeks pink.

She glances at the shower curtain, debating for a second. Pros of closing it…preventing water from getting all over the bathroom.

Pros of leaving it open…

She swallows.

“Toss me the shampoo?” she says, trying to keep her voice even.

With her free hand, Holtz grabs the tiny shampoo bottle from the counter beside her and tosses it without breaking eye contact. Erin snags it out of mid-air as casually as she can.

“Thanks,” she says.

Holtz winks.

Erin turns and takes a deep breath as she sets the bottle on the ledge on the shower wall. She closes her eyes and runs her hands through her hair under the showerhead, hyper-aware of every single motion she’s making.

It’s possible she didn’t think this all the way through.

She washes her hair and keeps her eyes shut and tries to pretend Holtz isn’t sitting right there watching her.

When she finishes that and opens her eyes, Holtz is standing right beside her. Erin jumps.

“Soap?” Holtz says calmly, hand outstretched with the tiny hotel bar.

“Thank you,” she says, voice shaking as she takes the soap.

Holtz holds eye contact, hand still out for a moment longer before she lets it fall awkwardly to her side. She takes a step back.

“I’m sorry,” she says. “This is unfair to you.”

“What do you mean?” Erin says.

“I should be giving you a chance to cool down because I—and I’m not, I’m doing the opposite because I’m selfish and I’m _really_ enjoying this—”

“Holtz, it’s okay,” Erin says. “I’m not reading into it, okay? You already said no, and unless you explicitly say differently, I’m not expecting anything. I really, _really_ don’t mind this. I suggested it, remember?”

Holtz nods slowly. “And if I said…that my skin was getting itchy and I could really use a shower?”

Erin pauses. “I’d say that you’re welcome to join me. No pressure, still not reading into it, and still no expectations of anything. You could even leave your swimsuit on if you’d be more comfortable.”

“In that case—” Holtz says, and sheds her top before Erin can blink. She unbuttons her shorts and wiggles them off— “move over.”

Erin smiles and makes room.

Once in the shower, Holtz reaches out and runs the tip of her finger down Erin’s spine, feather-light. Erin shivers even though she’s still under the warm water.

Holtz gently kisses her shoulder blade. “Thank you,” she whispers.

 

“Can I hold you?” Erin asks later, as they’re curled up in bed after taking turns drying each others’ hair with the pitiful hairdryer in the bathroom.

Holtz nods and squirms closer.

Erin wraps both arms all the way around her and pulls her in tightly. She kisses the top of her head.

“I don’t know what I did to deserve you,” Holtz mumbles sleepily. “I’m the worst girlfriend.”

“No you’re not,” Erin says. “There’s nobody on this planet that I’d rather be with right now, in a hotel room in the middle of Minnesota.” Her voice softens. “I love you.”

For a moment, she thinks Holtz might say it back, but she’s met with a quiet snore instead.

Erin kisses her head again and closes her own eyes, smiling to herself as she drifts off. With Holtz in her arms like this, it’s easy to convince herself that her girlfriend isn’t going anywhere.

 

_I never did you right, and I know that_

_too many sleepless nights, I own that_

_I said it time and time, I know that_

_I want to try again_

 

 


	4. whatever it takes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So uhhh this chapter hasn't been betaed but I've had it written for like a solid two months and I honest to god have forgotten about this fic approximately ten billion times since I posted the last chapter, so this is me taking a risk on an unbetaed chapter because if I don't post this now I'm going to forget about this fic again WHOOPS. I uh...hope it's okay? Please let me know. And please send me messages on Tumblr to remind me about this fic because that's the only reason this chapter is getting posted today lmao

[whatever it takes](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rGlEZpOVjGo)

_I’m an apostrophe_

_I’m just a symbol to remind you that there’s more to see_

_I’m just a product of the system, a catastrophe_

_and yet a masterpiece_

They leave St. Cloud early and spend the morning driving to Fargo, where they take their picture with the iconic woodchipper prop at the Visitor’s Center.

After that, they continue on through North Dakota, both agreeing that it’s an unremarkable state. They stop for lunch in Bismarck, then head out again, limiting their stops to the occasional rest stop as they cross the rest of the state. It’s their fourth day of driving, and it’s starting to get old. They’re not exactly crossing through exciting states anymore.

They grab dinner from a food truck in Billings, Montana, and only stay long enough to eat before they depart again.

They pull off I-90 in Butte after Holtz giggles at the name for long enough that Erin decides she probably shouldn’t drive anymore tonight.

“Holtz, I _know_ you know how to pronounce it properly,” she says as she unloads her suitcase from the car. “Now will you stop laughing and come help me?”

“Sorry, babe, I’m just admiring that Butte of a trunk you’re working with there. A real Butte-iful rear end.”

“Stop.”

“Butts.”

“ _Holtz_.”

 

Day Five takes them through the Lolo National Forest, which is spectacularly beautiful. After that, they finally escape Montana and pass through northern Idaho, and before they know it, they’ve crossed into Washington. They make it to Spokane by lunchtime.

After they eat lunch, they check out Spokane Falls. Erin pretends to stare at the rushing water, but she’s actually checking out Holtz in her peripherals. Now that they’re getting this close to Jaclyn and the others, she’s wondering if Holtz’s nerves are going to start showing more and more.

“Do you want to try to make it over the border tonight?” she asks Holtz.

Holtz is quiet for a moment.

“Let’s just see how far we make it,” she says finally.

“No planning,” Erin says. “Got it. Although, we will need to tell the border officer how long we’ll be there for. You know that, right?”

“We’ll cross that border when we come to it,” Holtz says with a smirk.

 

Holtz bypasses Seattle, which leads Erin to believe that she does want to make it to Vancouver tonight. They head up I-5 without making many stops, even as it creeps closer and closer to dinnertime.

It’s not long before they start seeing signs directing them to the border crossing. Erin starts digging in her purse for her passport and clutches it nervously.

Holtz glances at her as they pull to the back of a long line.

“Are you scared? You know that generally looks bad, right?”

“It’s intimidating!” Erin says. “We don’t have anything to hide, but that doesn’t mean—”

“Speak for yourself.”

“What?” Erin blinks. “Do _you_ have something to hide?”

Holtz shrugs and drums her index fingers on the steering wheel. “It’ll be interesting to see if they let me back into Canada.”

“ _Holtz_.”

“Relaaax.”

“If you get us detained at an international border I am _not_ going to be happy.”

Holtz smiles.

 

Erin hands Holtz their passports, and Holtz passes them through the window to the border officer.

“Where are you travelling from?” the woman asks.

“New York,” the two of them say in unison.

The woman doesn’t react at all. “What is the nature of your trip?”

“Spontaneous, mostly,” Holtz says.

Erin leans across the seat. “We’re visiting her sister in Vancouver.”

“When will you be returning?”

“In a few days,” Holtz says. “Probably.”

The woman gives her a long, unimpressed look.

“My sister doesn’t know we’re coming,” Holtz explains. “We might have to turn around and come right back.”

The woman doesn’t say anything, just turns back to her computer screen. She keeps looking at Holtz’s passport.

Erin resists the urge to cover her face with her hands.

“Any firearms?”

“No,” Erin says quickly before Holtz can say something witty that will get them sent to a secondary inspection area.

They wait. Erin holds her breath.

The woman hands back their passports and waves them through without saying anything.

“Thank you,” Erin says, and she doesn’t exhale until Holtz has pulled forward.

“See? Piece of cookie,” Holtz says as she rolls up the window.

“That right there was terrifying,” Erin groans.

“Well, it’s over now,” Holtz says. She sweeps her hand wide. “Welcome to Canada!”

“Canada looks a lot like Washington,” Erin observes.

“Or does Washington look a lot like Canada?” Holtz counters.

 

They drive through a stretch of farmland before they hit anything that looks like civilization. Holtz seems to know where she’s going, so Erin lets her navigate.

“Tell me more about Jaclyn,” she says as they drive. “All I can remember about her is her…career. Is she still…”

“A marijuana legalization activist?” Holtz fills in. “As far as I know. I haven’t talked to her in a while.”

“You know where she lives, though, right?”

“Off Burrard, I think. Downtown. I’ve only been to her new place once, but I’ll recognize it when I see it. She was in East Van for years but got the hell out of there the second her inheritance was released and she could afford a better apartment.”

“What’s she like? Are you guys similar at all?”

“I guess we have more in common than I do with my other siblings,” Holtz muses. “I loved living with her. We’re the wild cards of the family. My other sister Jenna is the goodie-two-shoes, so I never got along very well with her. Jake used to be cool, but then he grew up. And I’ve never spent much time with Jade, but I think we’re pretty different. So yeah, I guess Jaclyn and I are the most alike. We’re two different brands of crazy, though. She’s a free thinker.”

“And you’re not?”

Holtz gives her a smug smile. “She’s on another level.”

“I’m really struggling to picture a Holtzmann more out-there than you.”

Holtz laughs. “Just you wait.”

 

They have to drive around downtown Vancouver for a while before Holtz figures out where Jaclyn’s apartment is. They finally pull down a relatively quiet side-street and up to a decrepit apartment building. Holtz parks on the poorly-lit street and turns off the engine.

Erin can hear a car alarm going off somewhere nearby.

“We should take all our stuff in,” she says nervously. The last thing they need is to have their rental car broken into in a foreign country.

Holtz doesn’t say anything, just stares out the windshield.

“Holtz? You okay?”

“Was it a mistake to come here?” Holtz’s leg is bouncing nervously.

Erin undoes her seatbelt and twists to face her. “Of course not. She’s your sister. I’m sure she’s going to be excited to see you.”

“Yeah,” Holtz says, but she doesn’t sound so certain. She unbuckles her seatbelt anyway. “We better go, then. I’ve got a sister to introduce to my girlfriend.”

 

The inside of the apartment building smells so strongly of urine that Erin is gagging as they climb the stairs to the second floor. She can only hope that it’s animal urine, but the front door was propped open with a stick when they got there and the hallway carpet is a shade of brown that Erin has never seen before, so anything is possible.

Holtz knocks on Jaclyn’s door to a tune that Erin doesn’t recognize. There’s a long pause, and then the sound of footsteps and the door unlocking. Somewhere else in the building, someone is shouting.

The door opens, and there’s Jaclyn. Erin recognizes her from the photos in Holtz’s parents’ house. She’s bigger than she looked in the photos: twice as bulky as Holtz and at least a foot taller than her, too. Between their vastly different builds and Jaclyn’s tight, frizzy dirty-blonde curls, Erin would never pick them out as sisters.

Jaclyn is staring at Holtz.

“Jillian?” she says in disbelief. “What the fuck?”

“Surprise!” Holtz says weakly.

“What are you—”

“We were in the neighbourhood. Thought I’d swing by to see my favourite sister.”

“And you couldn’t have called?”

“Roaming fees,” Holtz says.

“ _Before_ you entered the country?”

“Uhhh…”

“I’m sorry,” Erin says. “I should have intervened. She did this last summer, too.”

Jaclyn stares at her.

“Oh! Sorry, I’m Erin.” Erin extends her hand. “Erin Gilbert.”

Jaclyn doesn’t shake her hand. Erin waits for a few seconds then lets it awkwardly fall to her side.

“Can we come in, or are you going to make us stand in the hall forever?” Holtz pushes into the apartment without waiting for an answer.

“I have company,” Jaclyn says as she follows Holtz. She looks over her shoulder at Erin. “Get in and shut the door before Ella gets out.”

Erin does as she’s told.

The inside of the apartment also smells like urine, although now she’s pretty sure it’s the result of a pet. The place is microscopic and a disaster—there’s junk piled everywhere and the floor is so dirty that Erin knows she won’t be removing her shoes. Holtz clearly has no qualms, because she’s already kicking off her boots.

There are two people lounging on a sunken couch in the middle of the room who look mildly interested in the hubbub.

“Guys, this is my sister,” Jaclyn says with a sigh, “and…Erin.”

The guy, who has long, visibly greasy hair pulled into a man-bun that he _really_ can’t pull off, lifts his hand in a wave. “Sup?”

Holtz steps over a pile of garbage with her hand out and a grin. “Holtzmann.”

The guy shakes her hand. “I’m Zephyr. This is Mona.”

The girl beside him gives Holtz a limp-looking shake. She’s wearing a floor-length tie-dye dress, which Erin didn’t think people still wore.

“Hi,” she says in a breathy, bored voice.

“Yo, J, I thought you said your sister was an uptight shrew? She seems cool to me.” Zephyr looks around Holtz and spots Erin. “Wait…is _that_ one your sister?”

“ _Hey_ ,” Erin says. “I’m not—”

“Nah, I’m the sister,” Holtz says. “That’s my girlfriend. She’s cool too.”

“Right on,” Zephyr says.

Holtz plops down on the couch beside him and leans forward to inspect a ceramic sculpture on the coffee table. “Wow. That sure is something. Those squirrels are really going at it.”

“Chipmunks,” Mona says.

“It’s Mona’s,” Zephyr says.

“You made that? No kidding,” Holtz says. “It’s quite the piece.”

“It’s part of a series of mine,” Mona says, “called _Fucking Animals_.”

“It’s an exploration of nature in its most primal form,” Zephyr says, stretching his arm along the back of the couch.

“Sweet,” Holtz says. “You work primarily in ceramics?”

“Each piece in the series has an accompanying video.” Mona’s eyes are glazed, uninterested. “I have an exhibit at a gallery downtown if you want to see more.”

“Ooh,” Holtz says. “Hear that, Erin?”

“Speaking of which,” Jaclyn says, stepping forward before Erin can say anything about how little she wants to see an art exhibit of animals humping each other, “don’t you want to go show Erin around the city?”

“Actually,” Holtz says, “I’m enjoying getting to know your friends.”

“I really think you should go explore,” Jaclyn says.

“Such a hurry to get rid of me! It’s not like you haven’t seen me in…”

“Three years,” Jaclyn supplies instantly.

“Three years! Come on, we came all this way, and—”

“ _Jillian_ ,” Jaclyn says forcefully, tilting her head with wide eyes.

Holtz slowly looks back and forth between Jaclyn and the duo on the couch. Zephyr is playing with Mona’s tangled hair.

“Ah,” she says at last. She abruptly stands up from the couch. “Actually, yes, I was going to take Erin down to Davie Street. We’ll be back in…an hour?”

“Two,” Jaclyn says.

Holtz nods, stepping over the trash pile again. “Two hours, right. We’ll be back in two hours.” She shoves her boots back on and turns to wave at Zephyr and Mona. “Nice to meet you!”

“What is—” Erin starts to say, but Holtz grabs her by the elbow and spins her around.

Outside in the hallway, Erin covers her nose and mouth with her hand to filter the smell as she hurries to keep up with Holtz.

“Can you please fill me in on what just happened?”

Holtz glances at her with a smirk. “Do you wanna know? I feel like you don’t wanna know.”

“I mean, I…figure it’s…a drug thing of some sort. Which I’m cool with. I’m not judging.”

“Not a drug thing. A sex thing.” Holtz contemplates. “Although, I don’t doubt that drugs will be involved.”

“A…a _sex_ thing?” Erin gapes. “Like, they’re having a threesome?”

“They probably wouldn’t call it that, but yeah.”

“What the hell would they call it?”

Holtz shrugs as they step outside. “Jaclyn’s not a fan of labels. Like I said, she’s a free spirit. About as open of a mind as you can get.”

“You’re so _calm_ about this,” Erin says. “If I walked in on my brother and found out he was about to have sex—let alone a _threesome_ —I’d be _so_ freaked out.”

Holtz shrugs again. “Doesn’t faze me. One time I was at the same orgy as her, so…oh, by the way, we can walk to where we’re going. This way.” Holtz motions for her to follow.

Erin stops dead in the middle of the sidewalk. “I’m sorry, _what?”_

Holtz looks back at her. “What?”

“You were at the same— _Holtzmann!_ Oh my _god!_ That’s so inappropriate!”

“Jesus, we didn’t _do_ anything!” Holtz shudders. “We were just…you know…both _there_.” She waves her hand. “Opposite sides of the room. Doin’ our own thing.”

“That’s so messed up! She’s your _sister!_ What if you had—like, looked up, and—”

Holtz is watching her with an amused expression. “Erin, I’m going to be real with you—I was a _little_ too preoccupied to pay much attention to her. Don’t make this weird. It wasn’t a big deal.” She holds out her hand for Erin to take. “Now, come on, I want to show you Davie Street.”

 

Erin, to her credit, does manage to let go of the whole orgy-with-my-sister thing. She doesn’t, however, stop thinking about what exactly could have had Holtz so _preoccupied_.

She knows it was (probably) years ago, but she’s always had a bit of a jealous side.

Holtz tours her around the gay district of Vancouver. She takes them to her favourite diner, which they discover is closed for renovations, much to her disappointment. They find a packed pub instead to finally grab some dinner.

As they wander around, Holtz prattles on with stories from her time living in Canada, and it’s so unlike her that Erin wonders if it’s her nerves that are loosening her tongue or the beer they had with their food.

They head back after about three hours, giving Jaclyn extra time—although Erin has been very pointedly not thinking about what she’s up to. They get back to her apartment and the smell is even worse after not being there for a while. It could also be because the front door is shut now. They have to get Jaclyn to buzz them up.

When they get upstairs, she seems decidedly happier to see them than she was earlier. Mona and Zephyr are gone. She gives Holtz a hug when they step inside.

“Sorry to bust in on you unannounced like that earlier, sis,” Holtz says. “If I’d known…”

“You still would’ve come.”

“Probably, yeah,” Holtz says, eyes twinkling. “That was pretty hilarious to see your face.”

Jaclyn clears her throat and turns to face Erin. “Hey. I didn’t get a chance to introduce myself before. Jaclyn Holtzmann. Sorry about earlier.”

“No, um.” Erin clears her throat too. “It’s fine.”

“Come on in, sit anywhere,” Jaclyn says, motioning. “Can I get you guys anything?”

Holtz flops back on the couch, but Erin eyes it warily and decides she doesn’t want to chance that nothing happened on it earlier. She stands awkwardly in the middle of the living room and tries to avoid looking at the fucking chipmunk sculpture.

“So, girlfriend, huh?” Jaclyn says as she sprawls on the couch beside Holtz, putting one foot up on the coffee table.

“Mom didn’t tell you?”

“Last I heard she was all excited about some woman you worked with, but that was after your little impromptu visit last year. Hadn’t heard anything since so I assumed that Mom was just, you know, being Mom.”

“Nah, that’s Erin,” Holtz says. “She was right about her. I should probably tell her.”

“Wait, you never told your parents that we got together?” Erin says. “I thought you were going to keep in touch with them after our trip!”

Holtz scratches her ear. “I _meant_ to…”

Jaclyn rolls her eyes at Erin in a way that clearly says _tell me about it_.

Erin changes the subject. “So, um, Jaclyn. Holtz has only told me a little about you. You’ve been here for a while, huh? What’s it like being an immigrant to Canada?”

“Well,” Jaclyn says, “I’m white, I come from the upper-class, and my first language is English, which means I’m never going to face the same barriers that most immigrants face, nor will I ever experience xenophobia, racism, and other discrimination for my choice to come to this country.”

“Um.” Erin glances at Holtz. “Right, of course.”

“Furthermore, I am living on the unceded territory of the Coast Salish peoples, so can I really be an ‘immigrant’ to a ‘country’ that was formed on stolen land?” She puts the words in air quotations.

“Uh…no?” Erin guesses.

Holtz jumps in to save her. “Where’s Blaze at these days?” She looks at Erin. “Her green-card husband,” she reminds her.

“He’s teaching in Errington. Grade One, I think.”

“Ugh, listen to you,” Holtz says. “You sound so _Canadian_.”

Jaclyn shrugs. “You live somewhere 15 years, you start to pick up some of the dialect.”

“Where’s Errington?” Erin asks, just to be a part of the conversation. “Is that around here?”

“The Island,” the two of them say in unison, sounding more like sisters than they have in the entire time they’ve been here.

“The, um…Vancouver Island?”

“That’s the one,” Jaclyn says, sounding amused. “You going to take her while you’re here?”

“I was thinking we could pop over tomorrow,” Holtz says. “Wanna come with?”

“Can’t,” Jaclyn says. “I’m speaking at Cannabis Day.”

“Shit, is tomorrow the 1st?”

Jaclyn raises an eyebrow. “You didn’t realize? You picked a hell of a weekend to come. The ferries are going to be a mess.”

“What’s going on?” Erin interjects, not following their conversation.

“Tomorrow is Canada Day,” Holtz explains. “I totally forgot. No wonder there were so many people downtown.”

“You could avoid the Island and join me instead,” Jaclyn says.

Holtz glances at Erin. “Uhh…nah, it’s fine, we’ll just get up at the crack of dawn and try to make it on the first ferry.”

Jaclyn shrugs. “Suit yourself.” She reaches into her pocket and pulls out a slender, silver cylinder that looks like a pen. “I can text B and see if he wants to meet you at Coombs. Assuming you’re going there.” She holds the pen up to her mouth and that’s when Erin clues in that it’s a vaporizer.

“Of course,” Holtz says, then to Erin: “There are goats.”

“Ghosts?” Erin repeats, tearing her eyes off Jaclyn.

“ _Goats._ On the roof.”

“The roof of what?”

“The building.” Holtz waves her hand. “Never mind, you’ll see.” She leans closer to Jaclyn. “New toy?”

“Isn’t she beautiful? No smell.” Jaclyn hands the vape pen to Holtz.

Holtz holds it up to the light and inspects it. “Gorgeous engineering. Is that titanium?” She takes a hit as well and Erin looks pointedly in the other direction.

Really, she doesn’t have a problem with marijuana use. In theory.

“I’ll make sure to send you home with some of the good stuff,” Jaclyn says.

Erin’s head snaps back to look at them. “Uh, I don’t feel comfortable smuggling illegal drugs across an international border.”

The two of them laugh.

“Where’d you find this one?” Jaclyn asks Holtz.

Erin crosses her arms.

Jaclyn smirks at her, looking very like Holtz as she does so. “Erin?”

“What?”

“You gonna sit down or just stand there all night?”

Erin drops her arms. “I’m okay. We’ve been driving a lot.”

“I bet,” Jaclyn says as she takes the pen back from Holtz. “Where the hell did you guys come from, anyway?”

“Butte,” Holtz says. “Before that, a bunch of places. We’ve been driving since…”

“Tuesday,” Erin supplies.

“Vacation?” Jaclyn asks.

“Yep,” Holtz says smoothly.

“So you planned to come see me?”

Holtz shrugs one shoulder. “Kinda.”

“But didn’t text ahead of time to tell me?”

Holtz regards her with an amused smile. “Didn’t think it would be a problem to drop in unannounced. Never has been before.”

Jaclyn rolls her eyes. “Well, I haven’t heard from you in months…”

“Sure you have. We were just talking the other day.”

“Do you mean at Christmas? When I texted you wishing you a merry Christmas and you never replied?”

Holtz avoids her eyes. “I got a new phone.”

“Right.” Jaclyn looks up. “Erin? Did she get a new phone?”

“I—um—” Erin splutters.

Holtz meets her eyes with a silent plea.

“Yes,” Erin says. “Yeah. She did. I got it for her for Christmas, actually.”

Jaclyn crosses her arms.

“So, um.” Erin shifts. “We should…probably get going. Holtz?”

“What, to find a hotel?” Jaclyn laughs. “Good luck. No, you can stay here.”

Erin blinks in surprise. “Oh. Thank you…do you have a guest room?”

Jaclyn and Holtz both snort at the same time.

“I got a couch,” Jaclyn says, “and an air bed. A fancy one, with a frame and everything.”

“I’ll take the couch,” Holtz says. “I’ll go get our shit from the car.”

“If it’s still there,” Erin mutters under her breath.

The door has barely shut behind Holtz when Jaclyn jumps up from the couch and descends on Erin.

“That was blatant bullshit,” she says, “about the phone. Why is she ignoring me?”

Erin takes a step backwards. “I don’t—this is the first I’m hearing of it. I didn’t know she was ignoring you. I’m sorry.”

Jaclyn stares her down. “Does she talk about me?”

Erin winces. “Not really. She doesn’t talk about her family much. The first I heard about any of you was last summer when we showed up at your parents’ house. I didn’t even know she _had_ a family before that.”

Jaclyn rolls her eyes. “Fucking typical.”

“I’m sorry,” Erin says.

Jaclyn bends and gathers a few dirty dishes from the coffee table. “Our whole family used to be so close, but the two of us especially. We were inseparable for most of our lives. You’d never know it.” She straightens up, not meeting Erin’s eyes. “The second she took off, I knew that was it. I was only going to hear from her on her terms. This is what she does. She decides she’s had enough of you, peaces out, and then you’re lucky if you ever hear from her again.”

Erin swallows. “That doesn’t sound like the Holtz I know.”

Jaclyn looks her up and down with unfiltered pity. “Give it time.”

Erin frowns. “Hey, that’s not very—”

The apartment door opens and Holtz spills back in, dragging Erin’s suitcase behind her. She shrugs her duffle bag off her shoulder and lets it fall to the floor. Something metallic clangs inside. Erin doesn’t want to know what it is.

“Don’t let Ella out,” Jaclyn says as she pushes past Erin.

Holtz shuts the door and locks it.

 

The three of them get the air mattress set up on a frame that looks like it’ll collapse with any weight on it. Jaclyn retrieves a stack of bedding and hands it to them, then bids them goodnight and disappears into her room.

They take turns getting dressed in the cramped, filthy bathroom. It takes Erin twice as long as it usually would because she doesn’t want to let any of her clothes touch the disgusting floor.

When she gets back out to the living room, Holtz has made both the bed and the couch. Erin returns her toiletry bag and dirty clothes to her suitcase, zips it up, and approaches the bed, which is crammed between the couch and the window behind it and pressed up against a kitchen table. She has to do some awkward maneuvering to climb onto the bed.

Holtz shuts off the lights and in the dim lighting, Erin can see her move back to the couch and flop down on it.

Erin sets an early alarm on her phone. Apparently they’re going to try to catch the 6:30am ferry over to Vancouver Island.

She sets her phone on the kitchen table and carefully rolls onto her back. She’s pretty sure the air mattress is deflating. She can already feel it sagging in spots.

“Goodnight,” she whispers into the dark.

“Night,” Holtz whispers back.

As tired as she is, Erin can’t fall asleep. She lies awake, staring at the ceiling, progressively sinking down in the mattress until the frame is digging into her hip and back. Maybe it’s because she’s on-edge in this apartment. Maybe it’s because she’s uncomfortable. Maybe it’s because she knows she has to wake up in a matter of hours.

Maybe it’s because she can’t stop thinking about what Jaclyn said.

Something jumps up on the bed by her feet and Erin yelps and swears, startling away from it.

“It’s just Ella,” Holtz’s voice comes in the dark.

“You’re still awake?” Erin whispers.

Instead of answering, Holtz whistles softly. “Salmonella. Here kitty kitty.”

The cat jumps from Erin’s bed to the top of the couch, then leaps down to where Holtz is. Erin can hear it purring. She shuts her eyes.

It feels like a minute later when her phone starts playing its alarm. She grabs for it and silences it, then groans and sits up. It’s still dark.

When she gets up, she realizes that Holtz is already dressed and sitting cross-legged in the middle of the couch. She must not have been able to sleep either.

Erin gets changed quickly and packs up her suitcase.

“Let’s go,” Holtz says.

“You’re not going to say goodbye to Jaclyn?”

Holtz unlocks the door. “She’s asleep.”

“Are we stopping to see her on our way back?”

Holtz pauses for the briefest of moments. “Don’t think so,” she says, and then steps into the hallway.

Erin looks sadly at Jaclyn’s closed bedroom door for a few seconds, then grabs the handle of her suitcase and follows.

 

_looking at my years like a martyrdom_

_everyone needs to be a part of them_

_never be enough, I’m the prodigal son_

_I was born to run_

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Seriously come yell at me to finish this fic or it'll never happen. That's not a threat it's just a fact


	5. believer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's what's in store for you so there are no surprises: This chapter and chapter 6 are both angsty. Very angsty. Then chapter 7 will be angsty as well but will start to be resolved by the end of it. Then it only gets better from there, and I'll fix everything in chapter 8 and leave you with mostly smooth sailing and happy cuteness from there to hopefully make up for everything I've put you through.
> 
> Now that that's all said, read on if you want and if you trust me to fix the events of the next few chapters. I have done my part to warn you. I've said it before and I'll say it again: no death threats or complaining that you weren't prepared, okay?
> 
> Also, this chapter is unbetaed as well. Please, please, please be kind. I'm nearly at my breaking point with this fic. Please give me a reason to continue and remember that I read every single comment.

[believer](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IhP3J0j9JmY)

_I was choking in the crowd_

_living my brain up in the cloud_

_falling like ashes to the ground_

_hoping my feelings, they would drown_

The ferry to Vancouver Island is much larger than Erin anticipated. It holds hundreds of cars and has multiple passenger decks that include a gift shop and a full cafeteria, where they eat breakfast. The trip takes a little over an hour and a half and drops them in Nanaimo, which Holtz says is about halfway up the Island.

The Island is a lot bigger than Erin pictured, too. Holtz, always full of trivia, says it’s more than double the length of Long Island and has roughly the same square miles as Maryland. Erin spots a mountain range out her window as they drive.

Soon, they’ve exited off the highway and are pulling into an already-busy parking lot of a wooden building with a grass-covered roof. There are little clusters of people scattered around, many of whom are taking photos.

“Goats,” Erin says as they get out of the car. “There are goats. On the roof.”

“Told you,” Holtz says.

They take a selfie with a young goat that’s grazing at the edge of the roof, send it to the group, and then head inside.

The scene inside is indescribable. There are hundreds of colourful fabric lanterns hanging from the wooden beams of the ceiling. There are shelves and shelves of grocery products from all over the world. Holtz leads them through the store, past a restaurant and bakery at the back, and into an area stocked with various houseware items, wooden toys, and oddities.

They shop around for a while, taking it all in.

“Why don’t you get some toys for the kids?” Erin suggests casually as she inspects a pile of stuffed goats.

“What kids?” Holtz replies absentmindedly.

“Your niece and nephew,” Erin says. “We’re going to see them, right?”

“Maybe I could.” She picks up a wooden sword. “Think they’d like this?”

“Definitely,” Erin says.

Together they select a sword and shield for each of them as well as a few other cool toys. They’re debating the merits of the stuffed animals when a tall, slouchy guy with scraggly blond hair and board shorts approaches them.

Holtz notices him right away. “Hey!”

“Big J! What’s up?”

Holtz gives him a one-armed hug and beams. “Erin, this is Blaze. B, this is my girlfriend, Erin Gilbert.”

“What’s up,” he says, giving Erin a hug as well. He smells like patchouli. “Lil J told me you’d be here. Knew I had to brave the tourists to come say hi. How long’s it been?”

“Years,” Holtz says. “You look good, man. I hear you’re teaching again?”

“You know it. What’re you up to these days? Still in Boston?”

“New York now,” Holtz says. She jabs her thumb at Erin. “This one and I hunt ghosts for a living.”

“We don’t hunt them—” Erin interjects.

“Right on,” Blaze says. “My forest is haunted.”

Erin squints.

“Want us to come take a look?” Holtz asks.

“Nah, s’not hurtin’ anyone.”

There’s a pause.

“I actually gotta get going,” Blaze says. “You in town for long?”

“We’re heading out, too,” Holtz says. “We need to drive down to Victoria today.”

“Right on,” Blaze says. “Well, it was great seein’ you.”

“Keep an eye on my sister, alright?”

“You know it.” Blaze grins. “See ya around.”

Holtz gives him a little salute and he ambles off.

“Nice to meet you,” Erin calls at his retreating back.

 

They don’t spend too much longer in the market before they pay for their items and hit the road again. They get back on the highway and head in the direction they came.

Traffic gets slower the closer they get to Victoria. Holtz explains that a lot of people will be travelling down to attend the Canada Day festivities.

They get to Victoria by lunchtime and downtown is already swarming with people decked out in red and white and brandishing Canadian flags.

“Are we going to be able to find a hotel room?” Erin asks worriedly as they drive slowly through traffic.

“Not likely,” Holtz says. “I’ve got us covered, though.”

“What, do you own a place here?” Erin jokes.

Holtz gives her a look.

Erin sits up straighter. “Wait, seriously?”

“It’s not mine. It’s my parents’ place. But yeah.”

“And…they’d be okay with us staying there?”

“That’s what it’s here for,” Holtz says. “Well, it’s mostly for Jaclyn. But the rest of us are allowed to stay there, too.”

“Alright, then,” Erin says. “Lead the way.”

 

Holtz’s parents’ townhouse is stunning. It’s right on the water, close to downtown, and huge with modern finishes. It seems brand-new. It’s so different from their home in Jacksonville. Although the mansion was just as indicative of their wealth, it was homier inside. It looked like a house that a family lived in. This place could be on the cover of a magazine.

Holtz gives her a tour, finishing on the private rooftop patio—complete with hot tub—and then they head back downstairs. They freshen up and depart for lunch. They’re able to walk back downtown to find a restaurant, a Southeast Asian noodle bar that Holtz is fond of.

“We’ve got a few hours before the concert and fireworks,” Holtz says after they’ve eaten. “We could hang around downtown if you want, or drive somewhere…”

“What’s your favourite place around here?” Erin asks.

Holtz hesitates. “Don’t laugh.” She clears her throat. “There’s a garden.”

“A garden,” Erin repeats in surprise. “That’s…unexpected.”

“I told you not to laugh.” Holtz crosses her arms, but there’s a smile playing at her lips.

“I’m not,” Erin says, crossing over her heart with her index finger. “Let’s go see this garden of yours.”

 

“You neglected to mention the magnitude of these gardens,” Erin says as they walk down a crowded path. “You also neglected to mention that there are _gardens_ , plural. This place is massive.”

“55 acres,” Holtz confirms happily. “Isn’t it pretty, though? I used to come whenever I was in Victoria.”

“It’s gorgeous,” Erin agrees.

“My favourite part is the name.”

“The Butchart Gardens?” Erin reads off the map she was given at the ticket booth.

“Separate it out and you get Butch plus Art. Butch Art.” Holtz weighs the two words in her hands and smiles. “I agree wholeheartedly.”

“I think it’s actually a surname,” Erin says.

Holtz hushes her. “Let me enjoy my Butch Art in peace.”

 

As they walk arm-in-arm through the Rose Garden, Holtz leans in close.

“Bet I could pick you a rose without anyone noticing.”

“ _No_ , Holtz. Leave the flowers alone.”

Holtz grins and gives her a gentle shoulder bump. “Fine, no flower thievery.”

 

They spend nearly two hours wandering through all the gardens and then the gift shop, where Holtz buys, inexplicably, a green and yellow glass slug sculpture. Erin buys a tin of tea emblazoned with a photo of the Gardens.

They drive back to the townhouse and get ready to head out for the Canada Day concert and fireworks. They walk back downtown to the Inner Harbour, where a stage is set up on the lawn of what Holtz explains are the British Columbia Parliament Buildings. A sizable crowd has already gathered in the area, and there are food trucks lining the barricaded street. They get dinner from one of the trucks and then find a place on the lawn to take in the concert.

Neither of them have heard of any of the artists in the lineup, probably because they’re all Canadian. The guy who’s currently onstage is singing in French. Despite the unfamiliar music, they have a good time, dancing along and cheering with the rest of the crowd.

As soon as the last band in the lineup finishes their set, the fireworks start over the harbour. Holtz takes Erin’s hand and leans against her shoulder as they watch the show.

“Thank you for bringing me here,” Erin says in her ear.

Holtz smiles and squeezes her hand.

 

“What if we stop and see Jaclyn again before we leave?” Erin says casually the next morning. They’re on the ferry back to Vancouver, up on the top deck outside, wind whipping through their hair and billowing their clothes.

Holtz leans on the railing and watches the churning water below. “Why?”

“You don’t see her that frequently.” Erin squints at a smaller island that they’re passing. “You didn’t really get a chance to say goodbye.”

“I’m sure she’s seen enough of me to last her a while now.”

Erin pictures Jaclyn’s face the other night when Holtz was getting their bags from the car. “I think she misses you.”

“Nah, she doesn’t.”

“You’re her sister,” Erin presses.

Holtz looks at her finally. “How long has it been since you’ve seen your brother, again, Erin?”

Erin pales. She avoids Holtz’s eyes. “26 years,” she says quietly.

Holtz doesn’t say anything else. She doesn’t have to.

 

They don’t stop at Jaclyn’s.

They go right from Tsawwassen Ferry Terminal to the border. Their re-entry to the US is smoother than their entry to Canada was. Soon they’re back on I-5. Silent.

They make it to Seattle around lunchtime. They wander around Capitol Hill for a bit and get lunch, then hit the road again.

Their next main stop is Portland. They go to Powell’s City of Books, and Erin accumulates an armful of books before she decides she could easily spend the rest of the day (and all of her savings) in the store, so she cuts herself off. After that, they go get doughnuts at Voodoo Doughnut. Holtz gets two—one called the ‘Gay Bar’ and one with a pentagram on it. Erin keeps it simple with a raspberry-filled one (and Holtz rolls her eyes at her).

When they leave, Erin drives for a bit to give Holtz a break. Holtz takes a nap in the passenger’s seat.

They get dinner in Eugene and then get back on the road. Erin continues driving. They stop to stretch in a place called Green, then don’t stop again until they’re into California.

“Oh my god, Erin,” Holtz says, tapping on the window and breaking her silence. “Look. We have to stay in Weed, California. We gotta.”

Erin looks at the clock and then the sign directing them to the next exit.

“I think you’re right,” she says.

 

Soon, they’re swimming in the outdoor pool of the Comfort Inn in Weed, CA. Erin floats on her back and stares up at the sky.

“It’s a shame that—” Holtz starts.

“It’s illegal to bring across the border, Holtz,” Erin says, knowing full well how the rest of the sentence was going to go.

“I _know_ , but what a missed opportunity. I could be smoking weed _in_ Weed right now.” She tsks. “Alas.”

“Or you could be in a holding cell at the Canadian border,” Erin mutters under her breath.

 

Erin wakes up the next morning and realizes that it’s been a week since they left New York. One week, and they’ve already been in 14 states and two countries.

Holtz is visibly tense as they depart after breakfast. She drives slower than usual, like she’s delaying their arrival to Silicon Valley. Erin doesn’t comment on it or bring up the fact that they’re nearing their destination.

They head into San Francisco. Holtz drags them down to Boudin Sourdough to watch the bakers at work, which is how Erin finds out that sourdough is apparently Holtz’s favourite type of bread. They eat lunch there (Holtz gets clam chowder in a sourdough bowl, Erin gets a turkey and Havarti sandwich) and then Holtz buys five loaves of sourdough to take with them (three rounds and two long loaves), promising to eat all of them within the next few days.

“All hail the Mother Dough,” Holtz says with reverence.

After they finish eating, they go to the GLBT History Museum, which has Holtz uncharacteristically solemn.

“You okay?” Erin asks quietly.

“Yeah.” Holtz turns to her, studying her face for a moment before hooking her arms over her shoulders and kissing her.

Erin leans into the kiss. It’s over a few seconds later, and Holtz rests her forehead against Erin’s and takes a moment there.

“Love you,” Erin whispers.

Holtz gives her another quick peck.

 

“Are you ready to go?” Erin asks as they step outside into the sunlight.

It’s a double-ended question. Once they leave, there’s nowhere to go but Silicon Valley. No more stalling.

Holtz squints up at the sun.

“Yeah,” she says finally. “Let’s go.”

 

Holtz says she wants to go see Jacob and the kids before they go see Emily. Erin doesn’t object.

Soon, they’re pulling into the driveway of a huge, gorgeous house with big bay windows in the front and a neatly manicured lawn. Holtz turns off the engine of the car and sits back in her seat, staring straight through the windshield.

“You okay?” Erin asks cautiously.

A shadow of doubt crosses Holtz’s face, but then it’s replaced with determination. “Yeah,” she says shortly, twisting in her seat to grab the bag of toys from the market with the goats on the roof. She unlocks her door and opens it, sliding out.

Erin follows her lead. They walk up the driveway and up to the front door. Holtz pauses for a few seconds, then rolls her shoulders back and rings the doorbell. A chime echoes somewhere inside the house.

A minute passes before the door opens and they’re face-to-face with Jacob. He has short, tidy hair several shades darker than Jaclyn’s and a pair of half-frame glasses. He’s wearing a short-sleeved denim button-up and eggshell Bermuda shorts. He looks tired.

“Jillian,” he says. No inflection.

“Hey, broseph,” Holtz drawls, nerves replaced with a confidence so convincing that it almost has Erin fooled. “You don’t seem surprised to see me.”

“Jaclyn called.” He steps outside the house and shuts the door behind him, which isn’t a good sign. “What do you want, Jillian?”

“Fine way to greet your sister,” Holtz says. “I’m here to see you, of course. And introduce you to my girlfriend, Erin.”

Jacob eyes Erin warily. “Hi, Erin.”

“Hi,” Erin squeaks. The tension radiating off of him is making her want to go wait in the car.

“Can we come in?” Holtz prods. “It’s hot out here.”

“Now’s not a good time,” he says tightly. “The kids are home.”

“Well, yeah, I was hoping they would be,” Holtz says. “I want to meet them.”

Jacob rubs his neck and looks very Holtz-like in that moment. “Jillian…come on. What do you want me to say?”

Holtz cocks her head and laughs once, nervously. “Jacob…”

“I don’t know what you want from me,” he says. “It’s been what, seven years?”

“Yeah,” Holtz says, “and I want to meet my niece and nephew.”

“Yeah? And what am I supposed to tell them?”

Holtz laughs again and glances at Erin. “Uh, you tell them that sometimes men and women love each other but sometimes women and other women—”

“They don’t know you exist, Jillian.”

Holtz breaks off from what she was saying and stares at him. “What?”

“What was I supposed to say to them? ‘Oh, yeah, that’s your Aunt Jillian. She lives far away like Auntie Jenna and Grandma and Grandpa do, but she’s never come to see you or Skyped you or called. I don’t have a photo of her because I haven’t heard from her since Mommy and I got married, and we can’t call her because she keeps changing her goddamn phone number. Why doesn’t she want to meet you? That’s a great question, sweetie, I think it’s because she doesn’t give a shit about anybody but herself. Sorry!’”

Holtz’s face is pale.

The front door opens and a woman steps out, clearly Jacob’s wife, Kelsey. She has a round face, chestnut hair, and she has a white scar running up the side of her face leading to what’s noticeably a glass eye.

Oh, and she’s pregnant.

“I said you should stay inside,” Jacob mutters.

Jillian is staring.

“Nobody told me,” she says shakily.

“What would you have done if we did?” Kelsey crosses her arms. “Sent a card? Called to congratulate us?”

“I—” Holtz hangs her head. “I sent cards for Noah and Madison.”

They both regard her for a moment.

“No you didn’t,” Jacob says with a sigh. “I’m sorry, but you can’t meet them. I’m not going to let them get attached to you when they’ll probably never see you again. I’m not prepared to explain to them where you’ve gone and why you’re not coming back.”

“Jake, please,” Holtz pleads in a gravelly voice. “I brought something for them…” She holds up the bag with the gifts.

“We can’t, Jillian.”

Holtz takes a step back.

“Let’s just go,” Erin says quietly, reaching towards her, fingertips not quite touching her arm.

“I’m sorry,” Jacob says again, “but you did this to yourself, Jilly.”

“Fuck off,” Holtz says, and then she turns and walks away.

Erin follows.

“Jillian,” Jacob calls after her.

Holtz stops and looks back.

“I know why you’re here, and you can’t do it. Leave that poor girl and her family alone. Go home.”

Holtz stares at him for a few seconds, then turns back. She throws the bag of gifts at the end of the driveway and gets into the car without saying anything to Erin.

The last thing Erin sees as they screech out of the driveway is a young face pressed against the bay window.

 

“Holtz?”

No answer. Holtz cuts through traffic. Erin has one hand braced against the glove compartment.

“Do you want—”

“We’re not talking about it,” Holtz says.

Erin swallows.

“Where are we going?” she says, trying to keep her voice even and casual.

“To do what we came for,” Holtz says in a stiff voice. “We’re going to see my fucking daughter.”

 

_first things first, I’ma say all the words inside my head_

_I’m fired up and tired of the way that things have been_

_second things second don’t you tell me what you think that I can be_

_I’m the one at the sail; I’m the master of my sea_

 


	6. mouth of the river

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When I finished writing this chapter, I posted on Tumblr "I think I just wrote the equivalent of the Shots chapter in polaroid but this one is worse", so...be warned.

[mouth of the river](https://youtu.be/41Qt2ZRkH0g)

_I’m overboard_

_I’m self-destructive and self-important_

_and I’m anxious, I’m self-assured_

_I’m nervous and I’m pacing_

“Holtz? Can I just ask one thing?” Erin says as Holtz shuts off the engine. “What do you hope to get from this? You don’t want a relationship with her…”

“Forgiveness,” Holtz says tightly.

Erin swallows. “And what happens if you don’t get it?”

No response.

“Holtz?”

Holtz opens her door. “Why don’t we find out?”

 

Nathan stands in the open doorway and stares at them, one hand braced against the frame. He’s easily recognizable from the photos Erin saw of him last year. With his muted button-up and black-rimmed glasses, he bears a striking resemblance to Chidi Anagonye from the Good Place. He even seems to have the same nervous energy.

Erin expects Holtz to act with the same fake confidence that she showed at Jacob’s place, but when she speaks, her voice shakes.

“Hi,” she says. “It’s me.”

“What are you doing here?” he says, voice also shaking.

“I got your letter.”

“Which one?” He seems to be finding his footing. The words bite.

“The last one.” Holtz wrings her hands. “I’m so sorry about Ben.”

“What are you doing here?” he repeats.

“You know why I’m here,” she says quietly. “I’m here to make things right.”

He stares for a few seconds longer.

“Come in,” he says.

 

The interior of the house is immaculate. Impersonal. There are no family photos on the walls, no signs of life. They follow Nathan down a hallway and to an equally bare living room.

“She’s not here,” Nathan says as he gestures at the couch for them to sit.

Holtz sits down, and Erin takes an awkward seat beside her.

Nathan crosses his arms and remains standing in front of the fireplace. There’s a large photo of a tree framed above the mantel.

“Where is she?”

“Swimming at a friend’s.”

There’s a long pause.

“Jillian—” Nathan begins.

At the same time, Holtz starts, “Look, Nathan—”

He holds up his hand. “Stop.”

Holtz shrinks down beside Erin.

“Do you have any idea,” he says, “the position you’re putting me in by showing up here with no notice?”

“I—”

“No, have you even _thought_ about it? What went through your mind? What was the thought process that led you to this moment?”

“I didn’t really think,” Holtz says, pale-faced. “I opened your letter last week and all I knew is that I had to come apologize to her. We got in a car and have been driving ever since. This is Erin, by the wa—”

“I know who she is,” Nathan says.

Erin doesn’t know where to look. She settles on the floor. Something about this set-up is reminding her of long evenings in her parents’ living room as they yelled at her for one thing or another.

Nathan paces. “It’s been over a decade. I would’ve thought you’d matured. Grown out of your impulsiveness. I don’t even know what to do with you.”

“You’re going to let me meet her, though, right?” Holtz says in a small, pleading voice. “You have to.”

“Would _you?”_ he says. “After all you did? I have half a mind to send you away right now. I don’t even know if I can _trust_ you.”

Holtz hangs her head. “You’re right. We should just go.”

Erin holds out her hand to stop Holtz from getting up. “No, wait. You _can_ trust her. We came all this way to see Emily so Hol—Jillian can apologize. You said in your letter that Emily is desperate to talk to her. Give her a chance.”

Nathan stopped pacing to listen to her. “And then what?”

Erin glances at Holtz. “Then we’ll leave.”

“And go back to ignoring our letters,” Nathan says.

“I didn’t get the other letters,” Holtz says. Her fists are bunched up in her lap.

Erin looks at her.

Nathan shakes his head. “Is that what you’re going to tell her?”

“I _didn’t_ ,” Holtz says loudly. “I got the one she sent me, but I didn’t get any of the ones about Ben.”

“So why didn’t you respond to her?”

Holtz stands abruptly. “I _couldn’t,_ okay? I wasn’t ready to face what I did. I wasn’t ready to step up and apologize. It hurt to even _remember_.”

“How do you think _I_ feel, having you here?” Nathan thumps on his chest. “How do you think it feels to watch her _cry_ over you? How do you think it feels to listen to her ask again and again what she did wrong? What _she_ did wrong? What can you _possibly_ say to her that’ll make that okay?”

Holtz just stands there for a few seconds. “I don’t know,” she says finally, bowing her head, “but you asked me to give her closure, and that’s what I’m here to do. She deserves closure. We both do.”

“You don’t deserve anything,” Nathan says curtly.

Holtz takes a step closer until her legs are pressed against the coffee table. “Are you kidding me? You didn’t even let me say goodbye to her. You just _took_ her. I didn’t get to say goodbye.” Her voice breaks on the word.

“You forfeited all rights when you kidnapped her and fled the country.”

“And I have spent,” Holtz says, “the last 11 years of my life being tormented by the stupidest mistake I’ve ever made. All I’ve done for the past 11 years is tried to forget what I did. I’ll never forgive myself for it. Not until I make things right.”

“I don’t think you can,” Nathan says with a shake of his head. “Not like this.”

“Please,” Holtz says, voice raw. “For her.”

From down the hall, there’s the sudden sound of the front door opening and closing.

“I’m home,” a young girl’s voice calls. “Penny’s mom drove me.”

The three of them freeze. Nathan’s eyes go wide. Holtz looks down at Erin with a panic-stricken expression, which Erin is sure is reflected on her own face.

Before any of them can move, she rounds the corner.

She looks nothing at all like Erin imagined her. She always pictured a younger Holtz. Blonde hair and blue eyes. Which, she realizes now, is incredibly stupid, because neither Nathan nor Ben is white, and the whole point of using Holtz as a surrogate was so one of them could be Emily’s biological father. She doesn’t know why this is the first time it’s occurring to her.

Emily is surprisingly tall for an 11-year-old. Her face is rounder than Holtz’s, her build stockier. Her eyes and hair are brown, and her skin is several shades darker than Holtz’s. Their noses are similar, but not identical. Erin is having a hard time seeing Holtz in her at all.

Then she smiles, and she has the exact same dimples as Holtz.

“Oh my god,” she says.

“Emily,” Nathan says stiffly, “you have some visitors.”

Emily takes a step closer. “I can’t believe you’re here.”

Erin glances at Holtz. She’s standing stock-still, staring.

Erin stands as well. “Hi,” she says. “Um, I’m—”

“Erin Gilbert,” Emily finishes as she comes closer still. “You’re a Ghostbuster. You’re _awesome_. And—” Her eyes go back to Holtz.

“Hey,” Holtz says shakily. “I guess you know who I am as well?”

“Duh! This is so amazing,” Emily gushes. “I keep telling my friends that my mom is a Ghostbuster, and nobody believes me!”

It’s like all the air in the room evaporates. Erin holds her breath, eyes on Holtz. Nathan looks like he’s ready to step in and escort them from the house. Emily waits with admiration in her eyes.

Holtz’s face crumples in pain. “Oh, Emily.” She glances at Nathan, eyes pleading. “Could—is there any way I could have a few minutes to talk to her alone?”

“No,” Nathan says, crossing his arms again.

Holtz exhales audibly and looks back at Emily. She moves closer, still leaving a few feet between them.

“Emily,” Holtz says again, pain in her voice, “I—I’m not your mom.”

The young girl’s eyes flicker to Nathan as well. “But—”

“I may be your biological mother, but I—I haven’t done anything to deserve that title. I’m not your mom, and I never will be.”

Emily steps back, the hurt plain on her face. “Why not?”

“Because—” Holtz looks at Nathan, then back, eyes closing— “you don’t want me as your mom.” She opens her eyes and stares at the floor. “You—you are an amazing girl. All these years…I’ve thought about you so much. I hoped that you were happy. That’s all I ever wanted.” She looks up, and there are tears in her eyes. “I don’t want to be someone in your life who lets you down. I don’t want you to wonder when you’re going to see me next. I don’t want you to resent me. I don’t want to be someone who you can never count on to show up or even _respond_. I don’t want to make promises that I can’t keep. And I—I can’t promise you that I’ll be there for you like you want me to be. I can’t even promise that you’ll see me again. I can’t promise you anything. _That’s_ the kind of mom I’d be. You deserve so much more than that, Emily.” She wipes her eyes with the back of her hand. “I want you to be happy, and me being in your life isn’t going to make you happy. I’m so sorry.”

The room falls silent. Erin can hear all four of them breathing.

“Are you going to go home now?” Emily asks, a waver in her voice.

Holtz looks at Erin, then Nathan, then back at Emily. “Yeah. I think it’d be best if we left,” she says, voice cracking again, “before this gets any harder.”

“Erin,” Nathan says quietly.

Erin looks over, surprised to hear her name.

“Why don’t we—” He nods his head in the direction of the hallway— “give them a chance to say goodbye.”

“Of course,” Erin says quickly. She follows him from the living room, resisting the urge to give Emily a hug or pat her on the shoulder or _something_ as she passes.

They step into a study off the hallway and Nathan shuts the door behind them.

“Thank you,” she says softly, “for letting her…”

She lets the sentence trail off. She fiddles with her hands awkwardly and looks around the room.

“You have a lovely home,” she says, gazing at the pristine desk in the corner.

“It’s not ours,” Nathan says. “It was temporary housing. Close to the hospital. We’re moving back next week.”

That explains the impersonal nature of the house.

“I didn’t get a chance to say anything earlier,” she says, “but I’m really sorry about Ben. I know all this is the last thing you need right now. I can’t imagine how difficult of a time this must be for you and Emily.”

Nathan hangs his head. “My husband was the love of my life. He was such a good man, and an even better father. He was so smart—the top of his field—and he cared so much. He was the kind of person that people paid attention to.” He pauses. “He came here from Mexico with his family when he was very young. He’s the reason I changed career paths and became an immigration lawyer, so I could fight for his family and other families like them. The past few years have been terrifying for us. We’ve been ready for our lives to change in an instant, but this—it was a different kind of fight than we were prepared for. There was no fight to be had. There was nothing I could do.”

“I’m sorry,” Erin says again.

“The only thing harder than losing him has been watching Emily lose her father.” He looks up, an intensity in his eyes. “You need to understand that that girl is my whole world. I would rather suffer a thousand times than see her in pain for even a second. And now she’s all I have left of my Benji. I’ll do whatever it takes to protect her—and your colleague poses a significant threat to her happiness.”

“She’s more than my colleague,” Erin says. “She’s my girlfriend, and I know her better than most people.” As she says the words, her stomach twists. “She doesn’t want to do anything to upset Emily. It hasn’t been easy for her to come here.”

“Believe it or not, I’ve forgiven her for the mistakes of her youth, but you can’t tell me that she has Emily’s best interests at heart when she’s proven over and over that she’s not to be trusted. All the reckless breaches of her surrogacy contract during her pregnancy? Her fleeing the country before Emily’s birth? The lawsuit after she was born? All the letters she never replied to? I _know_ she got them; I got her address from her brother. Point is, she’s hurt this family one too many times. She doesn’t care about what’s best for Emily. She never has.”

“The lawsuit?” Erin repeats. “You sued her?”

Nathan stares at her. “She sued _us_ for denying her visitation rights.”

Erin opens and closes her mouth. Her ears are ringing. “What?” she whispers.

Nathan’s expression is grim. “Maybe you don’t know her as well as you thought.” He reaches for the door. “Come on, she’s had enough time.” He hesitates, then looks back at her. “You seem like a good person, Erin. Be careful. Don’t let her fool you, too.”

Erin has no idea how to respond to that, but it doesn’t matter—he’s already gone.

 

In the living room, Emily is seated on the couch alone.

“Where is she?” Nathan says.

“She left already,” Emily says. It’s clear that she’s been crying.

Nathan looks at Erin. She backs up towards the door.

“I should—I’m sorry.” She swallows. “I’m really sorry.”

“Go,” Nathan says, then crouches by Emily, reaching out to touch her shoulder.

Erin can’t watch anymore. She turns and walks away.

 

Holtz is waiting in the car, head bent over the steering wheel. Erin takes a deep breath before sliding into the passenger’s seat and shutting the door behind her.

“Holtz,” she says quietly.

“No.” Holtz lifts her head. Her face is red. “Don’t start.”

“All I was going to say is that I think you did the right thing. I know that couldn’t have been easy, telling her that, but—”

“You _know?_ ” Holtz says tautly. “You don’t know anything, Erin. You don’t know how this feels.”

“No,” Erin snaps, having just about had it with the way Holtz is treating her, “I don’t. Because you never _tell_ me anything about how you feel. I learned more about you in five _minutes_ with that _stranger_ than I have in the _year_ that we’ve been dating. He told me about the lawsuit. Is it true? You sued that poor family after everything you did to them?”

“You don’t understand,” Holtz spits, face growing redder by the minute.

“ _Explain_ it to me, Holtz.”

“They _took_ her from me,” Holtz shouts.

“She was never _yours_. She was _their_ daughter. You took her from _them!”_

Holtz is visibly shaking. “I thought you were on my side.”

“I thought I was too, but that was before. Now I don’t even know what I can believe.”

“You can _believe_ your girlfriend.”

“Oh, how nice of you to actually acknowledge for once that we’re dating.”

“What’s _that_ supposed to mean?”

“Did you get the other letters he sent?” Erin says instead of answering.

“ _No!”_

“You’re lying,” Erin says. “You’re lying, just like you lied to Jaclyn about the text she sent you. Just like you lied to Jacob about sending cards for his kids. Just like you lied to me last summer when you said that you never asked to be involved in Emily’s life.”

“I’m sorry, but doesn’t _matter_ , okay? I had my reasons, and I can’t help what I said. That’s all in the past. Who _cares?_ ”

“ _I_ do,” Erin shouts. “If you lied about all that, what else have you lied to me about? How am I supposed to trust you? All you seem to care about is forgetting the things you’ve done and making sure everyone else forgets as well. I thought it was because you were running from your past, but now I know the real reason. You’re trying to keep people from finding out the truth about you.”

“And what’s that?” Holtz says in an even voice, staring straight ahead through the windshield.

“I don’t know,” Erin says quietly. “I don’t think I ever will.”

Holtz turns the key in the ignition.

 

Holtz doesn’t stop driving until they hit water. She screeches to a stop and gets out of the car without saying a word. Erin scrambles out of the car after her and hurriedly follows her across the sand until she stops a few feet from the ocean’s edge.

“Looking out at an unfamiliar ocean at night is so surreal,” Holtz says calmly. “You can hear the waves crashing and you can taste the salt on your tongue, so it must be there, but there’s only blackness. What shade of blue is it? How clear is the water? It exists and it doesn’t, like maybe the entire ocean is swallowed up at night into a void. Isn’t that incredibly impossible for something so vast? To exists and not exist all at once? To cease being as soon as the lights are out?”

Silence, except for waves hitting the shore.

“Jesus, Holtz,” Erin says quietly.

“I think we should go touch it. Just to make sure it’s there.”

“Okay,” Erin says hesitantly. She’s not sure what’s going on. The Holtz who was fighting with her in the car is gone, replaced by this vacant version of her, like a light switch flipping. She’s witnessed Holtz shut down completely before, but this is something different. Erin knows she needs to back off. Give them both a chance to cool down. Give Holtz a chance to come back from wherever she’s gone.

They step closer until their feet touch water.

“Does it feel any more real?” Erin asks.

“I don’t know. Hard to tell.”

Nathan’s voice echoes in her head. _Don’t let her fool you, too._

“What about us?” Erin asks, voice coarse, unable to stop herself. “Are we real, Holtz?”

“What? What do you mean, ‘are we real’?”

“Just answer the question. Is this relationship real?”

Holtz crosses her arms. “Of course it’s real.”

“Are you sure? Because it doesn’t feel like it. That fight we just has is the most _real_ we’ve felt in a long time.”

Holtz doesn’t say anything, just stares out at the dark ocean.

“I don’t know what to _do_ anymore, Holtz.” Erin’s voice breaks on her name. “I look at you and all I see is a stranger. You haven’t spoken to me in a _year_. You never let me in. I feel like if I don’t keep an eye on you at all times, you’re going to disappear and take this whole goddamn relationship with you. Every single day, it’s like you’re just _waiting_ for it to end so you can forget about it, just like you’ve tried to forget everything else in your life.”

“That’s not—”

“It _is_. You said to my face that you don’t care about yesterday, only tomorrow. That’s _bullshit_ , Holtz. It’s not _fair_. I _want_ you to give a shit about yesterday. I want you to own up to the things you’ve said and done in the past and not pretend they never happened. I want you to care about last summer. I want you to care about the things that my parents did to me and how badly it messed me up. I want you to care about the fact that you cut your family out of your life. I want you to care about everything that’s happened with Emily. I want you to care that our relationship is falling apart.”

Erin takes a deep breath. “Our trip last summer was the best thing that’s ever happened to me, and I _never_ want to stop thinking about it and remembering how great it was and how much I loved you, because the future is uncertain and I don’t even know if we’re going to _make_ it until tomorrow and the _one_ fucking thing that I can count on are the memories we’ve already shared.”

There’s a long pause.

“You’re right about one thing,” Holtz says, painfully slow. “I don’t know if we’re going to make it until tomorrow either.”

Then she turns and walks away, leaving Erin alone with the ocean lapping at her feet and soaking through her Keds in a familiar way, proving for the second time this year that nothing goes better together than wet shoes and heartbreak.

 

_the wrath of the giver_

_with the hands of a sinner_

_on the mouth of the river_

_and I’m going under_

_  
_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more full chapter of angst, then the chapter when everything gets happy again. Stay with me.


	7. rise up

[rise up](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mrknYjDRYQs)

_I’m bursting like the 4 th of July_

_so colour me and blow me away_

_I’m broken in the prime of my life_

_so embrace it and leave me to stray_

After their fight on the beach, they got back in the car and drove in dead silence until they hit Santa Clarita, where they checked into a hotel with enough vacancies that they could each get a separate room. Then they had each disappeared into their rooms without so much as a ‘goodnight.’

It all felt so familiar to last year that Erin nearly threw up in the bathroom before she curled up in the bed to cry.

She tosses and turns all night, replaying everything she said to Holtz both in the car and on the beach. She doesn’t regret what she said, exactly, but she knows she could’ve handled it better. She especially shouldn’t have let them go to bed upset.

In the morning, they’re going to make this right.

 

Eventually she must fall asleep, because she jostles awake, disoriented by the sunlight, and checks the clock beside the bed to find that it’s already almost 9:00am.

She doesn’t want to spend any more time alone in this room than she has to, so she scrambles out of bed and gets dressed, eager to get to Holtz and talk this through.

Soon, she’s walking down the hall towards Holtz’s room. When she gets there, she finds the door open, housekeeping cart outside. She pokes her head in to see them stripping the bed. There’s no sign of Holtz or her belongings.

Erin frowns and double-checks the room number, then backs up down the hall. Maybe she’s at breakfast?

Downstairs, Erin still can’t find her. She’s not in the breakfast area.

This doesn’t mean anything. It’s not like Holtz would have left without her. No matter how upset she is, she wouldn’t leave Erin alone in California. Besides, Erin has the keys to the car.

She walks up to the front desk.

“Excuse me,” she says, trying to keep calm, “I’m looking for my girlfriend. Small blonde woman, Jillian Holtzmann, was staying in room 217?”

“I think Ms. Holtzmann checked out already,” the woman says. “Hold on a moment, I’ll double-check that for you.”

Erin frowns again and looks over her shoulder. She does a double take when she sees flashing lights outside the entrance. Two police cruisers are parked there, and a number of uniformed officers are talking to a man and woman.

“What’s going on out there?” Erin murmurs, more to herself than anything. She turns back to face the desk.

The woman glances up. “Unfortunately, there was a theft.”

Erin looks back over her shoulder. “Someone’s car was broken into?”

The woman lowers her voice. “Someone’s car was stolen.”

“Oh my god,” Erin says, still looking at the officers. “That sucks.”

“Well,” the woman says, drawing Erin’s attention again, “I was right. Ms. Holtzmann did check out already.”

Erin blinks. “Oh. You wouldn’t happen to know where she went, right?”

The woman gives her a half-smile. “Sorry, no. Did you check the pool?”

“No,” Erin says, slumping her shoulders in relief, “that’s gotta be it. Thank you.”

 

Holtz isn’t at the pool.

Erin pulls her phone from her pocket and dials her. It rings three times before Holtz answers.

“Hey,” Erin says as she steps back indoors, “I’ve been looking everywhere for you. We need to talk about what happened last night. I shouldn’t have sprung all that on you when you were already upset. I’m sorry.”

There’s a long pause. In the background, Erin can hear the din of a large crowd of people. Loud chatter, faint music. Somewhere in the distance, there’s a long scream.

Erin stops walking.

“Holtz?” she says, voice suddenly shaky. “Where are you?”

“ _I’m sorry, Erin_ ,” Holtz says in a rough voice. “ _I can’t tell you_.”

“What do you mean you can’t tell me?” The words tumble out of Erin as her heartrate quickens. “Holtz?”

“ _I can’t_ ,” Holtz says again. “ _I can’t do this anymore. It’s time for you to go home, Erin_.”

“I’m not going anywhere without you,” Erin says. “What the hell is going on, Holtz? I’m coming to get you.”

“ _It’s too late,_ ” Holtz says. “ _I’m not going to tell you where I am. I’m not coming back with you. I’m staying here in California to figure some stuff out. You were right. I’m sorry. You’re just going to have to trust that it’s better this way_.”

For a few seconds, all Erin can do is stand there in disbelief.

“So this is it?” she says. “You’re running away? From me? From _us?_ ” She shakes her head and lets out a single laugh. “This is what you do, right? You run away and hide when things get complicated. You did it with Emily, you did it with your entire family, and now you’re doing it with me. I shouldn’t be surprised by this. I guess it was inevitable, huh?”

Silence.

“ _Yeah_ ,” Holtz says in a low, hurt voice. “ _I guess it was_.”

Then she hangs up.

Erin immediately regrets saying that. She redials and it goes straight to voicemail. She redials again. Voicemail.

She’s already running in the direction of the elevator.

 

“ _Hey._ ”

“Holtz is missing.” Erin drops her phone on the bathroom counter while she shoves her toiletries into her toiletry bag.

“ _Wait, what?_ ” Patty says.

“She’s gone. She left. We had a fight last night and now she won’t tell me where she is, and she told me I should go home without her.”

“ _Whoa, whoa, slow down. Abby get over here. It’s Erin_.”

Erin zips up the toiletry bag and grabs her phone, tossing it on the bed as she passes by and reaches her suitcase.

“ _Hey, Erin, it’s Abby. Holtz is missing?”_

She throws clothes into the suitcase and pulls her phone charger from the port on the lamp. “She’s gone, she could be anywhere, and if I don’t find her, we’re never going to see her again.”

“ _Don’t be dramatic,”_ Patty says.

“I’m not,” Erin says as she closes her suitcase. “This is what she does. She runs away and cuts off all contact and leaves her past behind her and if I don’t find her she’s going to do that to us.”

“ _When has she ever done that?_ ” Abby says.

“She did it after the ba—” Erin breaks off before she can finish that sentence and expose Holtz’s secret. She tugs her suitcase behind her out of the room and into the hall, the door closing with a clunk behind her. “Never mind. It doesn’t matter. I need to find her.”

“ _She couldn’t have gone far_ ,” Patty says. “ _She didn’t take the car, did she?_ ”

“No, but she could’ve taken a cab, or—” Erin stops in the middle of the hallway. “Oh, _fuck_ ,” she says loudly.

A woman passing by with two small children gives her the dirtiest look imaginable.

“ _What?_ ”

“Holtz would never steal a car, right? She’s not that crazy.”

“ _Uh_ ,” Patty says, “ _have you met her?_ ”

“ _Fuck_ ,” Erin repeats. “Fuck, fuck, _fuck_.”

She starts to run down the hallway.

“ _She stole a car?”_ Abby says.

Erin enters the elevator and slams the L button, then the door close button. “I think so.”

There’s a pause. “ _Any idea where she could’ve gone?_ ” Abby asks.

“I don’t know. I guess I have a few ideas. She could be going back to her brothers’ house. Or—” Erin doesn’t let herself finish the thought. She closes her eyes and tries not to picture Emily’s face.

The elevator jolts to a stop and the doors open. Erin sweeps out of the elevator and careens around the corner towards the lobby.

“ _What are you going to do?”_ Patty says.

Erin reaches the front desk and throws her room keys on the counter without stopping. “Erin Gilbert checking out. Put it on the card on file.”

Just as she’s turning, a propped-up poster on the counter catches her attention. She stops dead. Stares at it.

“ _Erin?_ ” Patty says. “ _Are you there?_ ”

“Ma’am?” the front desk clerk says.

“I gotta go,” Erin says. “I know where she is.”

 

“Hi,” Erin says as soon as it’s her turn to step up to the ticket booth. “I need a ticket for…the day, I guess.”

“Absolutely,” the boy replies cheerfully. “Are you interested in a Park Hopper ticket? It will give you access to both parks.”

“Shoot,” Erin says to herself. “Uh, yeah, I guess so. How much is that?”

“That’ll be $185 for a one-day Park Hopper pass.”

Erin grimaces and pulls out her credit card. As she pays, she leans in closer and looks up. “Um, out of curiosity, is there, like, a protocol for if you’ve lost a child in the park?”

The boy frowns. “Did you lose a child?”

“No, I don’t have children,” Erin says. She clears her throat. “But hypothetically if I had, is there…some way I’d be able to find them?”

The boy looks uneasy. “Any information about lost children can be found at City Hall.”

“Okay, but what if they don’t want to be found?”

The boy stares at her.

“There’s no, like, PA system that I could use?” Erin prompts.

“Ma’am, this is Disneyland, not a grocery store,” the boy says. “We don’t broadcast missing children. It’s a matter of security.”

“I’m not trying to kidnap a child,” Erin says quickly before this escalates into her being denied admission and escorted back to the parking lot. “I’m trying to find someone. An adult. Who sometimes follows childish impulses.”

The boy continues to stare.

“My girlfriend ran away,” Erin admits finally. “I think she might be here but I don’t know for sure. I guess there’s no way of finding out if she’s here or not, right? I just have to go in and look for her.”

“It’s the 4th of July,” the boy says carefully, “and the park is very busy today.”

“Well, I gotta look for her anyway,” Erin says through gritted teeth. “It’s my only hope.”

The boy warily slides her pass towards her. “Enjoy your visit.”

 

Inside, Erin realizes that this may be an impossible task. There are thousands upon thousands of people crowded around.

She tries calling Holtz again and it once again goes straight to voicemail. Not to be deterred, Erin sets off, eyes scanning the crowd for Holtz’s recognizable hair or yellow glasses.

She leaves no building unturned along Main Street, then has to make a decision. She looks over the map of the park and then closes her eyes and tries to put herself in Holtz’s shoes.

When she opens her eyes again, she zeros in on one word on the map. At first she thinks it’s too obvious, too predictable—but maybe she just knows her girlfriend.

So she sets off for Tomorrowland.

 

She’s there, of course she is, sitting alone on a bench with her head hung. Families with matching shirts and couples holding hands and teenagers taking selfies and grandparents struggling to keep up and children skipping with Mickey Mouse ears perched on their little heads all bustle past her, not seeming to notice the forlorn woman in the background of their vacation.

Erin sees her, though.

Her feet carry her through the crowd until she’s a few yards away, and that’s when Holtz looks up and notices her.

She’s up and off the bench instantly, cutting through the crowd, heading for Space Mountain.

Erin starts running.

 

She has to push her way around several very irritated families funneling into the line, apologizing loudly the whole way, but then she reaches her.

“Holtz—”

“Leave me alone,” Holtz says sullenly, not turning to face her.

Erin steps around her so she’s in front of her and walks backwards with the flow of foot traffic so she can face her. “What are you doing?”

Holtz stares over her shoulder. “Waiting to ride Space Mountain.”

“Fine,” Erin says, “I’ll wait with you. And ride with you. I’m not leaving your side.”

“You hate rollercoasters.”

“Yep,” Erin confirms, trying hard not to think about it. “So you know how serious I am.”

Holtz doesn’t answer, but that’s okay. Erin is here to talk.

“I’m sorry for how things turned out yesterday,” she says, still walking backwards. “I’m not going to apologize for everything I said, because a lot of it needed to be said, but I shouldn’t have attacked you like that. You were having a bad enough day. It’s been a really stressful time. I get that.” She checks over her shoulder to make sure she’s not on the verge of bumping into anyone, then looks back at Holtz. “But you need to know that you _can’t_ take your stress out on me and treat me the way you’ve been treating me recently. That’s not okay. For a lot of this week, you’ve been a real ass.

“I love you,” she continues, “and I care very deeply about this relationship, but a lot of times this year, it’s felt like I’m the only one. I feel like I’ve been doing 99% of the work all year to keep us afloat, and if that’s the case, why am I doing it?”

“Then leave,” Holtz says. “I gave you a free pass to leave. It’s obvious that you’d be way better without me, like everyone else. Leave.”

“That’s not what I _want!_ ” On the word, Erin crashes into whoever’s behind her and stumbles. She turns around. “I’m so sorry.”

The woman, sporting a soccer mom haircut and a gaggle of blonde children who are all fighting over who has to sit with who, glares at her. “Can’t you do this somewhere else?”

“Nope,” Erin says. “It’s important.”

She turns back to Holtz, who has her arms crossed.

“What _do_ you want, then?” Holtz says.

“I want my girlfriend back.”

“I haven’t gone anywhere,” Holtz says firmly.

Erin laughs. “Are you kidding? Is that a joke? You _literally_ ran away to Disneyland this morning.”

“That’s not what I meant, and that’s not what you meant either. When you say you want your girlfriend back, you mean you want the Holtz who you fell in love with last summer. That’s the girlfriend you want back. You can’t handle the fact that this is who I am now.” She taps her chest. “This is me. Your girlfriend is standing in front of you. She hasn’t gone anywhere. All that’s changed is that you don’t want me like this.”

“That…that’s not true at all,” Erin stammers.

“Yes it is. I _told_ you, Erin—I told you a year ago that you only liked that version of me. I warned you I’d change. I told you that I’d evolve into a new version of myself one day. You said it didn’t matter. You said that changing was part of being human. You _promised_ that I was worth the risk. Was it, Erin? Was this?” She gestures between them. Tears cling in the corners of her eyes. “I told you that it wouldn’t last.”

“You ever think about self-fulfilling prophecy?” Erin crosses her arms. “You’ve been convinced since day one that we were doomed because of who you are. You didn’t even want to _try_. It’s like you’ve spent the last year trying to prove that you were right. I’ve been fighting for us the whole year, and you’ve been looking for ways to implode our relationship. At some point, I’m not going to have any fight left in me, Holtz, not when I don’t see any in you. I’ll step back and let you push the detonator.”

“Stop fighting, then. I don’t deserve it. You’d be better off without me.”

“Stop _saying_ that. That’s bullshit.”

“It’s true. You deserve a relationship with someone so much better than me, Erin. Everyone’s better off without me. Not even my own family wants me in their lives.” Holtz stares at the ground.

For a second, Erin can only stand there. “That’s not true,” she says, pain in her voice. “Jaclyn? She’s heartbroken that you ignore her when she messages you. Jacob seems like all he ever wanted was for you to be around and in his children’s lives from the beginning. Your parents were so excited to see you last summer. You’re the one who keeps deciding to disappear and cut off all contact.”

Holtz hangs her head.

Erin steps closer. “Listen to me, Holtz. You’re the one I want to date. You’re the one I love. _You_. Exactly as you were yesterday, exactly as you are today, and exactly as you’ll be tomorrow, whoever you’ll be. If you need to run away sometimes and be by yourself, that’s okay. I’ll learn to be okay with it—as long as it’s not permanent. As long as it’s not a threat to our relationship. As long as I know that you _want_ us to be together.

“And,” Erin continues, “if you can say to my face with honesty that you _don’t_ want to be with me anymore, that you don’t like me, that we’re not working out—and it has nothing to do with fear or self-doubt—then I’ll accept that. But you don’t get to decide that I’m better off without you. You don’t get to decide that I’m fighting too hard for you. You don’t get to decide that I don’t want you like this. Because I can’t imagine my life without you in it.”

She swallows. “And if you think for one second that I won’t run after you every single time that you’re doubting that, until you believe once and for all that I want you, well, then you’re crazy, Holtz.”

And that’s it. She has nothing left to say.

All that’s left is to wait.

 

_the more I stray the less I fear_

_and the more I reach the more I fade away_

_the darkness right in front of me_

_oh, it's calling out and I won't walk away_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Made it through the angst, guys. Stay tuned


	8. next to me

[next to me](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-C_rvt0SwLE)

_I always let you down_

_you're shattered on the ground_

_but still I find you there_

_next to me_

Holtz lifts her head and closes the gap between them as they continue to shuffle along the line. She carefully reaches out to take Erin’s hands, still looking at the ground, and runs her tongue along her teeth, something she does when she’s trying to find the right words.

“I want to fight,” she says finally. She looks up. “For us.”

Erin’s heart skips a beat. “You do?”

“Without a doubt. I couldn’t imagine my life without you either, Er. I tried to. I spent all day trying to convince myself that not being with you was the right thing to do. I couldn’t. I love you, and I can’t change that. Don’t want to change that. I’m ready to fight. I’ll do whatever it takes to make things right and make up for how shitty of a girlfriend I’ve been over the past…I was going to say week, but it’s really the past year. I’ve been a complete asshole to you. There’s no excuse for that.”

She’s gripping Erin’s hands so tightly it might leave bruises. She shakes her head. “I don’t think I deserve a second chance—or, really, the billion chances you’ve already given me—but I’m not going to blow it this time. I’m never going to jeopardize our relationship again. Not ever.”

Erin blinks. “Back up a second. You…you love me?”

Holtz’s face twists. “Of course I do, crazy. Why do you sound surprised?”

“You…you’ve never said that before.”

“Haven’t I?”

“I would know if you had.”

Holtz scratches her ear. “I thought it was obvious.”

“It wasn’t.”

Holtz bites her lip. “Sorry, then. I do. Love you. And I’m sorry that my own issues and fears and doubts made me try to give up on us. I’m not going anywhere, Erin. I’m here. As long as you want me around, I’ll be here.”

“Always, Holtz. I’ll always want you here.” Erin takes a deep breath. “We should’ve been talking about all this way sooner. You can be as private of a person as you want and deal with emotions whatever way you feel comfortable with, but when it comes to those fears and doubts that could negatively impact our relationship, we need to talk about them, okay? We can’t let it get this bad again. We’re partners in this. Some things we need to work through together.”

Holtz nods. “You’re right. I can’t promise it won’t be hard for me, but I _can_ promise that I’ll keep trying to get better at it. And tell you when I’m struggling instead of saying nothing and making it seem like I’m not trying at all.”

“So we’re good?” Erin asks after a pause. Quietly. Hopefully.

“We’re good,” Holtz confirms.

Erin lets the tension melt off her and hit the ground like spilt ice cream. They’re okay.

They’re okay.

She joins Holtz by her side, tired of walking backwards. “Now what?”

“Now,” Holtz drawls, “I’m going to ride Space Mountain. And you’re under no obligation to join me. I promise I won’t go running off.”

Erin eyes the line in front of them warily. “This trip has already been a metaphorical rollercoaster. Might as well conquer my fear and do something else crazy. Add it to the list.”

Holtz squeezes her hand. “That’s my girl.”

 

As they wait in line, Holtz leans her head against Erin’s shoulder and strokes the back of her hand with her thumb. Erin is at peace.

Her phone chimes in her pocket, indicating that she has a new text. She pulls it out to see a message from Abby with a photo attached. When she unlocks it and opens the photo, she sees…herself and Holtz. Standing in line at Space Mountain. Her head snaps up and she looks around in confusion.

[1:37pm] Abby: _So I guess you found her?????????????_

Erin swears quietly and releases Holtz’s hand so she can type a response.

[1:39pm] Erin: _Yes, I am so sorry! I meant to let you know._

[1:40pm] Abby: _Thanks, not like we’ve been sitting here freaking out for hours or anything…glad u found her. Everything ok?_

[1:43pm] Erin: _I really am sorry. It has been a bit of a whirlwind—I will explain later. Yes, everything is okay and she is safe._

[1:43pm] Abby: _I take it you made up?_

[1:45pm] Erin: _Yes. Where did you get that photo?_

[1:46pm] Abby: _Fan posted it on twitter ten mins ago and tagged the GB account_

“Everything okay?” Holtz asks.

Erin tilts the screen towards her so she can see. Holtz scrolls through, reading the messages.

“You told them?” she says.

“I phoned them this morning after I talked to you,” Erin says. “I was freaking out. I just told them you were missing and that we had a fight. I didn’t get into the particulars.”

“Oh.” Holtz gets to the picture and opens it up, squinting down at the screen. “Huh. That’s wild.” She looks around them as well, but nobody seems to be paying them any attention.

“Sometimes I forget that we have fans out there. Lots of fans.” Erin pockets her phone. “I should’ve just put out an APB on the Twitter. Somebody would’ve found you in a matter of minutes.”

Holtz snorts. “How did you find me, anyway?”

“You’re my girlfriend and I know you,” Erin says. “Also, I saw the sign in the hotel lobby and followed a hunch. The auditory clues were there—I could hear the crowd, the music…even the screams of people on rollercoasters.”

“It’s a big park, though,” Holtz presses. “How’d you know where to look?”

Erin gives her a look. “Tomorrowland? Really?”

Holtz smiles to herself. “I think I was hoping you’d find me.”

She pulls out her own phone and turns it on, then types for a few seconds. Erin’s phone bings again, this time in the group chat.

[1:58pm] Holtzmann: _i’m safe and sound and done being a jackass. lucky 2 have the best gf in the world to hunt me down when i do stupid impulsive things. there’s some stuff i gotta tell u guys about when we get back, but for now im gonna focus on erin and making the rest of our trip better than the 1st half. love u guys_

[1:59pm] Abby: _Yeah, I’ll say you’ve got some splainin’ to do_

[2:01pm] Patty: _just don’t go pulling that shit again, k? u gave us (and ur girlfriend) a heart attack. love u xo_

“Are you going to tell them?” Erin asks upon reading the text. “About…everything?”

“About Emily, you mean?”

Erin didn’t want to bring it up, not wanting to rock the boat and set Holtz off again when she seems happy for the first time in days. “I guess, yeah. And about your family. They’re going to want to know what happened on the trip.”

“Yeah, I know.” Holtz scratches her neck. “I think I do want to tell them. About all of it. Including Emily.”

“Wow,” Erin breathes. “That’s big.”

“There are a lot of wrongs I need to right,” Holtz explains. “And it’s going to start by being more open. I’m never going to come to terms with all of this and forgive myself until I start moving on in a healthy way. I’m done trying to forget and cover everything up. I’m not likely to forget this trip any time soon.” She sighs. “There are some calls I need to make when we get back. My parents, for one. Jaclyn. Jacob. Hell, even Jenna. God knows I haven’t talked to her in years either. And then I need to call Nathan. I have a lot of apologies I need to make.”

Erin doesn’t say anything, just watches her as they continue to shuffle forward in line.

“This trip’s been a wake-up call,” Holtz says, finding her hand again. “I can’t keep running away and ruining the relationships in my life because my twisted brain is telling me that people are better off without me.”

“Have you…” Erin trails off, looking over her shoulder. “Never mind. We can talk about it later when we’re alone.”

Holtz shrugs. “Everyone around us has already heard our entire life story by this point. I wouldn’t be surprised if someone’s been livestreaming us this whole time.”

“God, I hope not.” Erin lowers her voice. “I was just going to ask if you’ve thought at all about going back on medication? Going to therapy, maybe? Trying to battle some of those demons?”

“Oh, 100%,” Holtz says. “That’ll be the first call I make when we get home. Like I said…wake-up call. And for the record? I have no problem with _anyone_ hearing us talk about therapy or medication. I’m not ashamed. I’d livestream this conversation myself if I could. My name is Dr. Jillian Holtzmann and I’m going to start seeing a therapist again and I’ll probably be on antidepressants for a long time, and that’s okay.” She looks over her shoulder at the man behind them. “You hear me?”

He nods once. “Good on ya.”

She salutes him and turns back.

“I love you,” Erin says.

“And I love you. My name is Dr. Jillian Holtzmann, and I’m in love with my girlfriend.”

“Ain’t nothin’ wrong with that,” the guy behind them says.

“Hear hear,” Holtz says merrily.

 

As Erin takes a seat next to Holtz and the safety bar lowers over their laps, she wonders if she’s made a grave mistake.

Holtz is thrumming with anticipation beside her. “You okay?”

Erin grips the bar tightly as the peppy voice overhead tells them to keep all hands, arms, feet, and legs inside the ride at all times. “Yep, totally, yep. This is fine.”

“Here.” Holtz pries Erin’s hand from the safety bar and holds it. “I’ve got you. I’ll keep you safe.”

Erin would prefer the safety bar in this case, but she’ll accept it. She takes a deep breath as the car lurches forward.

She ends up keeping her eyes closed for most of the ride and nearly breaks the bones in Holtz’s hand in fear, but she survives. She clambers out of the car the second the bar lifts, and Holtz follows. She rubs Erin’s arm reassuringly as they walk towards the exit.

“Hey, you did it,” Holtz says. “That wasn’t so bad, right?”

“I think I’ve fulfilled my rollercoaster quota for the rest of my life,” Erin replies. “You can go on the next one without me.”

“Does that mean we’re staying?” Holtz says gleefully.

“I paid $200 to be here for the day,” Erin says. “I sure as hell intend to get my money’s worth.”

Holtz laughs. “Did you get a Park Hopper?”

“I didn’t know what park you were in,” Erin says. “Had to cover my bases.”

“I’m not really a California Adventure kinda girl,” Holtz says.

“Good to know for next time,” Erin says dryly. “Oh, also—when are we going to talk about the fact that you _stole a car_ to get here?”

Holtz grimaces. “Yeeeaah. I’m going to bring it back. Gassed up and with a couple grand in cash as a thank you for their troubles.”

Erin shakes her head. “I should be more concerned by this. Guess I’m just glad you didn’t drive it off a cliff or something. Or that you weren’t arrested on your way here.”

Holtz bumps her shoulder.

Outside, they are immediately pounced on by a teenage girl before either of them can say anything else.

“Hi, oh my god, it really is you,” she gushes. “I’m so sorry to be so creepy like this but I saw you in line and I’m _such_ a huge fan…”

“Let me guess, you took that photo of us?” Erin hazards.

The girl blushes. “You saw that?”

“Our colleagues did,” Holtz says, amused. “What’s your name?”

“Annabel Colley.”

“Nice to meet you, Annabel. I’m Holtzmann.” Holtz extends a hand.

The girl shakes it eagerly. “I know. You’re my hero. You too, Dr. Gilbert. I love you both so much.” She points to a woman standing a few yards away. “That’s my mom. She thinks I’m crazy.”

Erin and Holtz exchange a look.

“We like a little crazy,” Holtz says.

Erin hides a smile behind her hand.

“Could I, um, maybe get a photo with you guys?” Annabel says.

“Of course,” Erin says. “Do you want to get your mom to take one?”

“It’s okay,” Annabel says as she swings her backpack off her shoulder and unzips it, “I’ve got an instant camera that we can take a selfie with.”

“An analog girl, huh? Good for you,” Holtz says.

They crowd around and pose. Holtz holds a salute to her forehead and Erin smiles. The shutter clicks.

Annabel holds the edges of the polaroid between her fingers and waits for it to develop.

“So, where are you from and what do you do, Annabel?” Holtz asks.

“I’m a sophomore,” Annabel says, “and I’m from Ann Arbor.”

Holtz glances at Erin with a half-smile. “Did you know that our own Dr. Gilbert is from Michigan, too?”

“Yes,” Annabel replies eagerly. “I read it in your book. Battle Creek, right? My aunt lives there.”

At the mention of home, Erin’s throat tightens. “That’s right,” she forces out, voice crackly.

Holtz must hear the pain in her voice, so she changes the subject quickly. “Hey Annabel, do you wanna take a video with us for the Ghostbusters Snapchat?”

Her mouth falls open. “Uh, is that a real question? Oh my god, yes!”

Holtz grins and pulls out her phone to open the app. They crowd around together again.

“Whaddup Ghost Girls,” Holtz says. “I’m here at Disneyland with the ever-gorgeous Dr. Gilbert, and look who we found! This here is certified Ghost Girl Annabel, who ran into us at Space Mountain and seems pretty awesome. Anything you’d like to say to the masses, Annabel?”

Annabel waves at the screen. “Hi everyone! Shoutout to the Michigan Ghost Squad—love you guys!”

“Michigan Ghost Squad—that sounds badass. Do we have competition?”

“No, no,” Annabel reassures Holtz, “it’s just a group of fans in Michigan.”

“In that case, hi Michigan Ghost Squad! You rock.” Holtz salutes. “I’m Holtzmann, signing off. Until next time!”

She stops recording and posts the video.

“How many of you are there?” Erin asks Annabel quietly.

“In the MGS?” Annabel pauses, thinking. “Well, there’s ten of us in the core group. We all met online a few years ago and started talking in a big group chat and stuff. Since then, we’ve all met in person and have all become really good friends. The Michigan Ghost Squad used to just be a silly name for ourselves but then it kind of turned into a club—and now there’s all these other members, and we meet regularly and we have t-shirts and stuff…it’s a fan club for you guys, of course, but we also do paranormal investigation and fun stuff like that and post stuff on our YouTube channel. I think there’s about 60 members in total at this point.”

Erin blinks in surprise. “60?” she repeats.

“I think so,” Annabel says. “It’s hard to keep track. Not everyone comes to all the meetups, and numbers are rising constantly. It’s pretty cool.”

“That _is_ pretty cool,” Erin says absentmindedly.

Annabel shows them the picture she took. “Want me to take one of just you guys for you to keep?”

“Hell yeah,” Holtz says.

After Annabel has taken the photo and handed it to Erin, she says with some regret that she should probably leave them be and return to her mom. The two of them thank her for talking with them and tell her that it was lovely to meet her.

As Annabel bounds off, Erin can’t take her eyes off her.

“What’s on your mind?” Holtz says.

“60 people,” Erin says quietly.

“Amazing, isn’t it?”

“Uh huh,” Erin whispers.

“Can’t help but wonder where they all were when you were going through hell, right?”

“How’d you know?”

“You’re my girlfriend and I know you,” Holtz parrots with a soft smile. She nods her chin at Annabel, who is excitedly showing the photo to her mother. “Look what you did, Ghost Girl. Look at your legacy. 60 people, and counting. 60 Ghost Girls who will never have to go through what you went through. That’s pretty amazing, wouldn’t you say?”

Erin looks down at the now-developed polaroid of them in between her fingertips. Holtz, head slightly turned, face pressed into Erin’s hair, loving smile peeking out. She looks like she’s in love. Like she meant every word she said earlier.

“Yeah,” Erin says, gaze returning to Annabel and her mother as they walk off into the crowd, “that _is_ pretty amazing.”

 

“Almost 2,000 views on our snap already,” Holtz says as they cross the theme park.

“Wait, seriously?” Erin’s brow furrows. “How did I not know we had so many fans out there?”

Holtz shrugs. “Oh, they’re out there. You should snoop around on Twitter one time. Lotta people begging us to come to Brazil. Lotta girls saying they wanna have my babies.”

Erin stops dead beside the statue of Walt and Mickey.

“What’s wrong?” Holtz says quickly, spinning around to face her. “That was a joke. Well, okay, there _are_ lots of girls saying they want to have my babies, but that doesn’t mean anything. Wait—are you worried I’m going to be set off by the mention of babies? I’m not.”

An entire family walks by clad from head to toe in Disney regalia. Erin tracks them with her eyes, gears turning in her head.

Holtz follows her gaze. “Do _you_ want to have my babies?” she asks cautiously. “Because, uh, we can talk about that, for sure.”

“Merchandise,” Erin says slowly to herself. Then her head snaps back to Holtz. “Wait, hold on a second—what did you just say?”

Holtz scratches her ear. “I didn’t—I know this isn’t the time…or maybe it is. I just meant, y’know…”

“Are you—” Erin frowns— “are you saying you’d want to have kids with me?”

“If that’s what you want, that’s what I want, too.”

Erin blinks in surprise. “You want to have kids?”

Holtz gives her a look over the rims of her glasses. “Erin. We just crossed the entire country so I could make amends with the kid I had to give up.”

Erin shakes her head. “Right. Yeah.”

“Anyway, doesn’t matter. All I’m trying to say is that I’m all in, okay?”

Erin nods slowly.

“Good to know,” she says. “That’s not at all why I stopped, but good to know.”

“Why _did_ you stop?”

“Merchandise,” Erin repeats.

“I heard you say that, yeah. There’s a lot of it here. You want some? I’ll buy you some mouse ears if that’s what you want. We could even get matching ones. Comically different sizes, of course.”

“Also good to know,” Erin says, “but hold that thought.”

She pulls her phone out of her pocket and dials Patty.

“ _Hey. What’s up?”_

“Get Abby,” Erin says confidently, shooting Holtz a smile. “I know how we can save the Ghostbusters.”

 

“You’re brilliant, Erin,” Holtz says. “I can’t believe we didn’t think of this sooner.”

The two of them are sitting on a bench, heads bent together over Erin’s phone on speakerphone.

“I can’t take all the credit,” Erin says. “I was inspired by our friend Annabel. The fans are a major untapped resource. Think of how much we could make off official Ghostbusters merchandise. Firehouse tours, maybe. Hell, we could even do a cross-country tour and give fans an opportunity to meet us. It would be so cool to see everyone, and I’m sure they would be so excited.”

“ _A tour?”_ Abby says dubiously. “ _We’re scientists, not rock stars.”_

“Speak for yourself,” Holtz says.

Patty laughs.

“It could be a lecture series,” Erin says. “Scientists do those. We could also turn it into a ghostbusting trip as well—stop to attend to ghost problems along the way. We could make a lot of money from busts alone.”

“I, for one, think it’s an amazing idea,” Holtz professes.

“ _I like it,”_ Patty says, _“but, uh, we already handled the whole money shit. The Ghostbusters aren’t goin’ anywhere._ ”

Erin leans in closer to the phone. “What do you mean? Did the mayor change his mind?”

_“Nope,”_ Abby says proudly. “ _Our girl Patty went out and got us a massive research grant.”_

“What?” Erin and Holtz say at the same time.

“ _It’s not that massive,”_ Patty says.

“ _It is,”_ Abby says. “ _It’s unbelievable._ She’s _the rock star. MVP of the Ghostbusters.”_

“What else is new?” Holtz says. “That’s amazing, Patty.”

“ _Let’s not get too excited. It’s enough to cover us for a year. We’ll still need to cut back. It’s a start, though. And your revenue ideas could really help.”_

“Don’t undermine yourself, Patty,” Erin says excitedly. “This is incredible.”

Holtz shakes her head in amazement. “How the fuck did you get us a grant in, what, less than a week? You’re more than a rock star, you’re a damn superhero.”

“ _I’m a Ghostbuster,”_ Patty says emphatically. “ _Also, don’t sweat it. I know some people. It didn’t take much convincing—a lot of people believe we’re doing important work.”_

“Fools,” Holtz says.

Erin elbows her. “Well, that’s really amazing news, you guys. I guess we can stop worrying about the whole funding thing and get back to our trip.”

“ _All I can say is that you better do the Haunted Mansion for us,”_ Abby says. “ _It’s the least you can do for all you’ve put us through.”_

Erin and Holtz exchange a look.

“What a _fantastic_ idea, Abby,” Holtz says. “Erin?”

“Consider it done.”

 

“999 ghosties, huh?” Holtz says in Erin’s ear. “We could make a killing here, too.”

Erin laughs softly. “It sounds ominous when you put it that way.”

They clamber into their carriage and the voice recording reminds them to remain inside at all times.

“You better behave,” Erin whispers. “Don’t you go shutting down the ride because you’re trying to be funny.”

“Why, I would never,” Holtz says with a snicker.

They drive through a hallway of rattling doors and into a room with floating props suspended in the air. The voice tells them that the spirits are starting to manifest.

“Come out, come out, wherever you are,” Holtz trills.

They pass the grand dining room with the first projections, waltzing merrily.

“Look at how benevolent they all are,” Erin muses. “I could wipe out all of them at once with my eyes closed.”

“You could. I’ve seen you do it many times.”

They move into the next room and then abruptly come to a halt. The voice tells them that they should remain inside their _doom buggies._

“It wasn’t me,” Holtz says quickly. “Must have been some other hooligan that broke the ride.”

Erin laughs. “At least we have some time to soak in this room.”

Holtz nods her chin at the portraits of a young married couple. “She murdered her husband, right?”

“Till _death_ do us part,” the bride says in a sinister voice.

“Hundred percent,” Erin says.

“As long as we _both_ shall live,” the voiceover continues.

“Scientifically inaccurate,” Holtz says. “Don’t need to be alive to be together. We’ll have to change ours.”

“Our what?” Erin says absentmindedly as she examines the ghostly bride.

“Our vows,” Holtz says.

Erin’s head snaps over in surprise and she’s about to respond when the other voice comes on and tells them that their tour is going to resume. The car jolts forward again before she can say a word.

They travel through a graveyard next, with dozens of spectres streaming up towards the night sky. It reminds Erin of the ghosts pouring out of the portal in Times Square, but she’s too distracted to comment on it. The ghosts sing merrily and Holtz bops her head along to the music.

They pull into the stretch with mirrors to show the new ‘ghost hitchhiker’ in their carriage, and all Erin can see is how frazzled she looks, especially compared to Holtz.

“You wanna come back to the lab with us, fella?” Holtz says cheerfully.

Erin laughs lightly.

Then, the ride is over and they’re exiting their carriage onto the moving platform, which Erin feels a little too shaky for. They’re spit out into the daylight again and Holtz finds her hand.

“Well, that was delightful,” she says.

“That was…something,” Erin agrees.

 

Their rollercoaster of a day concludes with Fourth of July fireworks over Cinderella’s castle while they cuddle close together, and Erin decides that the rumours are true—this place does have some magic to it.

Or maybe it’s not magic at all—maybe it’s just love.

 

_so thank you_

_for taking a chance on me_

_I know it isn’t easy_

_but I hope to be worth it_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yaaay, you made it through! Still two more chapters to go on this puppy


	9. I'll make it up to you

[I’ll make it up to you](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L0RhF-XQ1_w)

_in my darkest hour, in the dead of night, I’ll make it up to you_

_your hands are mine, I’ll make it up to you_

_promises are nothing more than fleeting thoughts_

_but you, you are my life_

“This is all I ever really wanted,” Erin says as she stares up at the stars.

“To go to the beach?”

Erin turns her head in the sand to take in her moonlit girlfriend lying beside her. “Yeah. And to not be miserable at the time.”

“We do have a bit of a bad track record,” Holtz says contemplatively.

After they left Disney, they decided they weren’t ready for the day to end just yet. They departed separately in the two vehicles and Holtz found a discrete location to park the stolen car (filled with gas and with several thousand dollars tucked into the glove compartment with an apologetic note, as promised). They phoned in an anonymous tip and then promptly left. Holtz had asked Erin where she wanted to go next. Erin had only one place in mind.

Despite being invisible in the night, the ocean rolls onto the nearby shoreline with a comforting rhythm. As Erin looks back skyward, she is truly at peace.

“Can I kiss you?” she asks the stars.

Holtz rolls to face her, propping herself up on her elbow. “Absolutely.”

Erin shifts onto her side as well, wiggling closer in the sand until she can press her lips gently to Holtz’s. They settle into each other, kissing not like a passionate reunion, but like an exploration. No urgency, but with raw need all the same.

After a while, Holtz pulls back and rolls back onto her back with a little sigh.

“Too much?” Erin asks.

“No, it’s good,” Holtz says. “I just wish…”

Erin waits.

“We just had such a big day, y’know?” Holtz’s gaze tracks an airplane across the sky. “Making up and making things right and promising to do better. I just wish everything was magically fixed and we could have this great romantic night and, I don’t know, have sex for the first time in god knows how long like we’re supposed to, and—”

“Supposed to?” Erin repeats. “There’s no supposed to. This right here is perfect for me. I’m not expecting anything to change overnight, not with the physical stuff and not with the emotional stuff either. These things take time.”

“But I know you’ve been getting antsy, and that’s not fair to you—”

“Holtz,” Erin says gently. “That’s _my_ problem, not yours. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again because it’s _important_ : if we never slept together again for the rest of this relationship—for the rest of our _lives_ —I would be more than happy if it meant that you were comfortable. I never want you to feel like I’m just sitting here waiting or expecting you to change or put yourself in a situation you don’t want to be in. If you’re doing it because you feel like you have to in order to keep me happy, that’s not okay.”

Holtz chews on her lip. “It’s more complicated than that.”

Erin hesitates. “Could you try to explain why? You don’t have to, but in the interest of open communication and trying to work through some of this stuff together, I think it would really help us the more I understand.”

Holtz hesitates, too. “I don’t know. Just…Leah stuff, that’s all.”

Erin rolls back onto her own back to give Holtz a bit more space. She swallows. “Did she hurt you?” she asks in a small voice. The question she’s wanted to ask since she first found out about the abusive ex of Holtz’s past. “You don’t have to answer if it’s too hard,” she adds quickly.

“Not physically, if that’s what you’re asking,” Holtz says after a pause. “She didn’t hit me or anything like that.”

“Did she coerce you into having sex?”

Holtz lets out a long sigh. “It was always consensual. Well. I was only 16 and she was 21. So, maybe not legally consensual. But no, she didn’t force me. But—” She pauses for several seconds, just breathing— “She used it against me. Sex, I mean. That’s when she would tell me how worthless I was. That nobody else but her would want me like she did. That nobody else could possibly love me.”

“Holtz…” There’s pain in Erin’s voice. She forgot how young Holtz was when she started her undergrad. She was told these things in her most formative teenage years. No _wonder_ it’s had such a lasting impact.

“Guess I didn’t consent to that part,” Holtz says with some bitterness. “When I moved to Canada, I was so desperate to prove her wrong. For a while, I thought I had. I slept with so many people—in California, too—and I was like _hey, look at that, people_ do _want me_. But then as time passed I realized she was right after all. Nobody _wanted_ me. Not in the way that counts. So I stopped.”

And to think Erin got all jealous when she heard the orgy story the other day. Now she just feels sick.

“I’m so sorry,” she says quietly. “Your self-worth isn’t measured by how desirable people find you—you’re worth so much more than you know. You need to know that. But for the record, she _was_ wrong, Holtz. Incredibly so. She was manipulative and cruel and knew what to say to make you feel bad about yourself. None of it was true. So many people love you in so many different ways. _I_ love you more than I can express. _I_ want you. And I meant what I said earlier—I’ll never stop telling you that until you believe me once and for all.”

“Thanks,” Holtz whispers. She turns her head to look at Erin. “See? Complicated.”

“I’m glad you told me,” Erin whispers back. “Now I understand more and we can work through this together and figure out what it means for our physical relationship. Like I said, your comfort and happiness are most important.”

Holtz looks back up at the stars. “You’re also a part of this relationship. Your happiness isn’t less important than mine.”

“I know. But I’m not just being self-sacrificing. I honestly would be fine if we didn’t have a physical relationship any longer. Knowing that you’re happy would make _me_ happy.”

“Here’s the thing, though—I like sex. I _wouldn’t_ be happy if we never slept together again.”

Erin pauses. “Oh.”

Holtz lifts her hand in the air above her, index finger briefly sweeping across the sky. Tracing a constellation, maybe. “It’s just complicated, y’know? Like, sometimes you’ll touch me and all I can hear is her voice.” She folds her hands back over her stomach. “But other times, when I haven’t frozen up and we’ve actually gone through with it, I feel—”

Erin waits, brow creased.

“I don’t know,” Holtz says after a while. “It just feels different. Like I can almost feel what you’ve been telling me. It still doesn’t feel permanent, but for a brief moment, I almost believe it.” She rolls over onto her side abruptly. “You don’t have to say it—I know that’s not something to celebrate. It’s just falling back into the same shit I used to do—using sex as a way to feel wanted, but this time feeling what I was always looking for. Going forward, that’s not what I want to shoot for. And even you—you said the other day, in the pool, that it was nice to feel wanted for once. If we’re both just using sex as validation of our relationship, that’s not okay. I want sex to be—god, this is corny, but—like, a celebration of our love. Not just a way to _feel_ loved.”

“That’s not corny at all,” Erin says. “I think it makes a lot of sense.”

Holtz bites her lip. “This means we might have to…put our physical relationship on hold while we work through more of the emotional stuff.”

“That’s okay,” Erin says firmly.

“Well.” Holtz wriggles closer in the sand and reaches out to touch Erin’s cheek with the back of her hand. “Not _all_ of our physical relationship.”

Erin smiles. “You still don’t like being touched sometimes, though, even platonically.”

Holtz shrugs one shoulder. “That’s unrelated. That’s more how my brain is wired. When I’m overwhelmed and my brain is crowded, I find it just adds to the chaos if someone is in my personal space. I don’t think that’s ever going to change. That’s kinda who I am.”

“That’s okay, too,” Erin says. “I just wanted to make sure we’re on the same page about what ‘putting our physical relationship on hold’ means.”

“I mean sex,” Holtz says bluntly. “Just to be clear.”

“Good,” Erin says, face colouring. “That’s good to know.”

Holtz leans to kiss her cheek then settles back onto her back. After a few moments, she takes Erin’s hand in the sand.

“I love you,” she says sleepily. “Thanks for listening.”

“Thanks for telling me,” Erin whispers.

 

Holtz falls asleep there, breath evening out and hand going limp. Erin keeps holding it anyway.

She stays awake and thinks.

About Holtz. About them. About the future. About tomorrow.

 

She must fall asleep too, because the next thing she knows, she’s being nudged awake.

“Erin, the sunrise,” Holtz says. “Come on.”

Erin lets Holtz pull her up and shake the sand from her hair. Holtz tugs her by the hand and they run to the edge of the water, tripping over each other and giggling.

They stand together, waves lapping at their toes, and watch the sun climb into the sky.

“It’s pretty damn beautiful, isn’t it?” Holtz gestures out at the ocean. “Really makes me glad we’re sharing this moment together. Right here, right now. This is what’s important. Being here with you.”

Erin studies her, the way the rising sun glints off her golden hair, mussed from sleeping in the sand. The happiness set deep in her eyes. She remembers last summer, when they were having dinner at that fancy restaurant in Charleston, before everything fell apart. When she was first falling in love with Holtz.

It was her eyes, Erin remembers. Eyes a more perfect blue than the ocean.

There’s no comparison.

She loves the ocean, but she knows what she wants to stare at every day for the rest of her life.

“Holtz?”

Erin’s heart is thumping so strongly she swears Holtz must be able to hear it.

Holtz looks over and smiles a crooked smile. “Yeah?”

“I think I know what I want to do next.”

“Oh yeah? Lay it on me.”

“It’s…crazy.”

“Wouldn’t have it any other way.”

“Really crazy.”

“Colour me intrigued, Gilbert.” Holtz grins.

“Whatever you’re thinking…it’s crazier. Possibly the dumbest idea ever.”

“Stop taunting me and tell me already,” Holtz teases.

Shyly, childishly, Erin leans in close to whisper the idea into Holtz’s ear.

There’s a pause, and then Holtz leans back. The look she gives Erin is indescribable.

“That,” she says solemnly, “is the craziest idea you’ve ever had in your entire life.”

Erin swallows. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have—”

“We’re doing it.”

“—said anythi—what?”

“We’re doing it. That. Yes. _Hell_ yes.”

“We’re doing it,” Erin repeats breathlessly. “Really?”

“Let’s do it, shplooit,” Holtz says.

 

They open their dressing room doors at the same time.

“Wow,” Erin breathes.

Holtz just stares.

She meets Erin’s eyes finally. “You,” she says, “are the most beautiful woman in the entire goddamn universe.”

Erin takes her by the hand and they turn to face the mirror at the end of the hallway. She stares at her reflection and touches the strap of her [dress](https://www.whitehouseblackmarket.com/Product_Images/570234804_100_large.jpg?imgPolicy=productLarge).

“I always kind of figured there’d be lace,” Erin murmurs happily. “Not exactly like this, but this is…way better than I could’ve ever imagined.”

“You look smokin’ hot,” Holtz says, “and not just because it’s over 100 degrees outside right now.”

“Is it really?”

“Why do you think I’m wearing shorts?”

Erin surveys the [shorts in question](https://www.whitehouseblackmarket.com/Product_Images/570233425_100_large.jpg?imgPolicy=productLarge). “I was just about to ask about those. They’re an unexpected choice with the [blazer](https://www.whitehouseblackmarket.com/Product_Images/570231736ext2_large.jpg?imgPolicy=productLarge).”

Holtz raises an eyebrow. “Listen, I’m not about to pass out because of heatstroke on the best day of my life. I’m already risking it by wearing the blazer at all. Can you tell that I’m not wearing anything underneath it?”

“You look incredible,” Erin says.

 

They exit White House Black Market in their new outfits and get right into the car, immediately cranking up the AC.

“Where to next?” Holtz asks. “You’re the one running this rodeo.”

Erin thinks for a moment. “Pawn shop?”

Holtz taps her chin, contemplative look on her face.

Erin shifts in her seat after a long pause. “No? You want to go someplace nicer?”

“Nah,” Holtz says, “I just think I can do us one better.”

“Please tell me why you brought a blowtorch along on this trip,” Erin asks warily.

“In case a situation like this arose,” Holtz says cheerfully as she unzips her duffle bag in their hotel room.

“You knew we were going to—”

“No, you just never know when you might need a blowtorch on the road. Orrrr…” Holtz pulls out a bag full of metalworking tools.

Erin just stares in amazement. “I’m not even going to argue with your logic.”

Holtz reaches up behind her head to undo the clasp on her Screw-U necklace. Erin gasps.

“Wait, are you using—”

“Well, yeah,” Holtz says as she inspects the pendant in her hand. “What did you think I was going to use?”

“I figured you'd have scrap in that bag too," Erin mutters. “Are you sure? That necklace is…I can’t even imagine you without it.”

Holtz looks up. “And I can’t imagine myself without _you_.” She chuckles and points at Erin with her free hand. “You. Not—” She shakes the pendant in her other hand— “ _U_.” She smiles softly. “I made this a long time ago. Long before I met you. I was angry and miserable and I wanted to wear something that reflected that. Don’t you think it’s time for an upgrade?”

Erin rocks back on her heels, biting her lip as she smiles. “Okay.”

Holtz grins. “Alright. Let’s tear this shit up.”

 

As they step inside the air-conditioned building and join the back of the line, Holtz takes hold of Erin’s hand. She’s vibrating, and Erin can’t tell if it’s from excitement or nerves.

“Hey,” Erin says quietly. “You okay?”

“Hell yeah,” Holtz says. “You?”

“I’m good,” Erin says. She watches the people ahead of them in line for a while. “Hey, Holtz? This is crazy, right?”

“Definitely. Didn’t we already determine that?”

“Stupid-crazy?”

Holtz is quiet for a few seconds. “Do you think it’s stupid-crazy?”

“I mean…I don’t know. Are we rushing into this? Is this a dumb idea? Are we going to regret it?”

“I can’t answer that, Erin. I don’t _think_ I’m going to regret it. Are you?”

“I don’t know.”

“That’s the beauty, right?”

Erin bites her lip. “But with everything that’s been going on lately…we only _just_ made up…we don’t know what tomorrow’s going to hold…”

“Exactly,” Holtz says. “All I know is that I love you a lot today. And hey—look outside. This is a place for taking risks. Putting it all on the line. You’re a math girl, right? Think of it this way. The probability is 50-50 that it’s a good idea. I think most people around here would take those odds. Wouldn’t you?”

“But what if we haven’t thought it through? We don’t know what we’re walking into.”

“Look at it this way, Er. It’s 50-50 now. It’s still going to be 50-50 next week, next month, next year, and ten years from now. When you’re standing on the ziplining platform waiting to jump, your chances of falling to your death don’t go down the longer you wait. All that’s happening is that you’re losing valuable time that you could have been flying.”

Erin bites back a smile. “How long before we drop the ziplining-as-risk-taking metaphors?”

“Oh, those are never going away.”

Erin bumps her shoulder against Holtz’s. “So. We’re in agreement then? We’re jumping?”

“Fuck yeah, we’re jumping,” Holtz says.

They’ve reached the front of the line. A clerk waves them over.

“Hi,” Erin says. “One marriage license, please.”

Holtz beams.

 

As they step outside into the sweltering Nevada heat, Erin looks down at the piece of paper in her hand.

“Hey, Holtz?”

“Second thoughts?”

“No,” Erin says quickly. “I just have…one request.”

“No Elvis?”

Erin stares at her. “How did you know?”

Holtz grins. “You’re my girlfriend and I know you. Wait—fiancée? Does it even matter? Whatever. Don’t worry, I’ve got you. No Elvis.”

“I don’t deserve you,” Erin says.

“Hey, that’s my line,” Holtz says with a smirk.

 

“Last chance to back out,” Holtz says.

“I should be saying the same to you,” Erin says. “You’re the runner, not me.”

“Touché. So, you’re good?”

“I’m good, are you good?”

“I’m better than good, baby,” Holtz says with a loud hoot. She pulls the car forward to the drive-thru window. “Hello, I’d like a cheeseburger with fries, and gorgeous wife on the side.”

Erin elbows her.

Holtz looks at her, then back at the window. “No? Alright, just the wife, then.”

Erin sinks down into her seat, blushing.

 

Erin holds Holtz’s hand tightly between their seats as the man in the window speaks. She can’t believe this is really happening. This is crazy.

“We are gathered here on this fifth day of July, 2018, for the marriage ceremony of—”

“Holy _shit_ ,” Holtz interrupts.

Erin tears her gaze from the man in the window and frowns at Holtz. “What?”

“Erin, it’s July 5th!”

Erin tilts her head. “Yes?”

“It’s X-Day! We’re getting married on X-Day!”

Erin covers her face with her hand. “Is that sacrilege or something?”

“No, it’s amazing! Our anniversary is going to be X-Day! This is the best realization ever.” Holtz turns to the man in the window, who has been listening warily. “It’s the day the X-ists descend and destroy the world, according to the Church of the SubGenius.”

“It’s a parody cult,” Erin says to the man in the window. “We’re normal people. We’re crazy, but not ‘truly believe that an alien apocalypse is coming’ crazy.”

“Speak for yourself,” Holtz says cheerfully.

The man stares at them. “Should I proceed?”

Erin gestures. “Please.”

He clears his throat and begins again. “We are gathered here on this X-Day, 2018—”

Holtz grins.

“—for the marriage ceremony of Erin and Holtz. Marriage is honourable, and it shouldn’t be entered into lightly. It’s two people becoming one. It’s not one person being stronger, nor is it roles, but it is the two of you, hand-in-hand and heart-in-heart, loving each other.”

Holtz squeezes Erin’s hand.

“It’s also ultimately the two of you saying that you love each other so much that you want to form a bond only broken by death.”

“Actually,” Erin interjects, “science says that there’s no reason for it to be broken by death either.”

“Yeah,” Holtz says. “We’re committing to an eternity, here.”

There’s a pause.

“Okay,” the guy says. “So Holtz, do you take Erin to be your wife, and do you promise to love and comfort, honour and keep her, and remain faithful to her?”

“Abso-fuckin-lutely I do,” Holtz says.

“And Erin, do you take Holtz to be your wife, and do you promise to love and comfort, honour and keep her, and remain faithful to her?”

“I do,” Erin whispers.

“Please take a look at your rings,” the man says.

They both look down at the rings in their hands. What was once an angry necklace, now transformed into two identical silver bands.

“Rings are unbroken circles, which symbolizes your love, which should be never-ending. Also, they’re made out of a strong substance.”

“Aluminum,” Holtz says. “I fuckin’ love aluminum.”

“Today, when you get married, your rings will multiply in strength,” the man says. “That just means that when one of you goes through a tough time, the other one is there to help them. So love each other with everything you have, and no matter what you face, know that you’re strong enough to overcome it together.”

This time, Erin squeezes Holtz’s hand.

“Holtz, you’ll go first,” the man says. “Place the ring on Erin’s left ring finger. Once you have it on, hold her hand, look her in the eyes, and repeat after me.”

Holtz fumbles the ring onto Erin’s finger, and it fits perfectly. Holtz’s metalworking skills under the circumstances are incredible.

“I, Holtz, take you, Erin.”

“I, Holtz, take you, Erin,” Holtz repeats with a calm smile.

“To be my wife, for better or for worse.”

“To be my wife, for better or for worse.”

“For richer or for poorer.”

“For richer or for poorer.” Holtz winks on the word _richer_.

“In sickness or in health.”

“In sickness or in health.”

“To love and to cherish, forever and ever, this is my promise to you.”

“To love and to cherish, forever and ever—and ever—this is my promise to you.”

“And Erin, please place the ring on Holtz’s left ring finger.”

Erin’s hands are shaky as she slides the other ring in place, then takes Holtz’s hand again.

She finds it hard to get any volume as she repeats the same vows, her throat scratchy as she wills herself not to cry. Holtz must be able to tell, because she mouths _love you_.

“If you two will please turn and face me,” the man says once Erin is finished, “I’m gonna leave you with just a few more words and then pronounce you wives.”

They turn in their seats to face him.

“So, today you’re beginning a beautiful journey. It’s a new chapter in your relationship; it’s the journey of marriage. So do three things: number one, communicate.”

A laugh escapes both of them at the same time.

“Say ‘I love you’ as much as you can. Sometimes in marriage, you’re going to have a disagreement, you’re going to get frustrated, but your remedy is to talk about it and forgive one another, which simply means to give each other a clean slate. Number two, make sure you laugh. That releases stress in your body and does the same thing in your marriage. Celebrate life together and have fun. And number three, love. Unconditionally and selflessly. Don’t let _anyone_ come between your marriage. Let love be your anchor, no matter what you face. It will pull you through every storm. So as you begin this beautiful journey today, love, laugh, and communicate. By doing those three simple things, you will enjoy a long and prosperous marriage together, alright?”

Erin’s best efforts have failed; there are tears in her eyes.

“So now that the two of you have consented together in matrimony and you’ve exchanged your rings and your vows, by the laws and authority of the state of Nevada, it is my honour and privilege to pronounce you wives. You may kiss your beautiful wife.”

As Holtz pulls Erin in for a kiss, Erin registers that the man is clapping, but other than that it’s like he’s disappeared. It’s only her and Holtz in this ridiculously tiny mint-green rental car in the middle of Las Vegas.

Married.

 

After they’ve dropped the car off and locked their marriage certificate in the safe in their hotel room, they change out of their wedding duds and into the _JUST MARRIED_ t-shirts they bought on their way from the chapel. As per tradition, Holtz’s is a triple XL. It practically reaches her knees. They snap a selfie together but keep it to themselves. They’re not going to tell Abby and Patty until they get back.

“Now what?” Erin asks once they’re outside on the Strip.

“It’s Las Vegas, baby,” Holtz hoots. “Now we’re gonna go get lucky.”

Erin blushes but lets Holtz pull her by the hand towards the door of the closest hotel.

“I don’t know about you,” Holtz says as they step inside and are immediately surrounded by the noise and lights of the casino, “but I’m in the mood to gamble my fortune away.”

“Holtz—”

“Nuh uh, you may be my wife, but you’re not my mother. You can’t tell me what to do with my money.”

“Isn’t it our money now?” Erin jokes.

Holtz’s mouth opens into a delighted O. “Erin Gilbert! I see what’s happening—you’re a golddigger! I should’ve made you sign a prenup. Oh man. Silly, silly Holtzmann.”

“You caught me,” Erin says, holding her hands up with a laugh. “Actually, I wasn’t about to stop you at all. Gamble what you want.”

“Knew I married you for a reason,” Holtz says, kissing the side of her head.

 

“Come on,” Holtz says under her breath. “Come on.”

Erin waits with baited breath.

The room erupts in cheers.

Erin just stares. “Holy…shit…”

Holtz turns around to look up at Erin with wide eyes. “Erin…”

“Holtz…”

“Oh my god,” Erin says. “I can’t believe this.”

“I told you I was feelin’ lucky,” Holtz boasts loudly.

“Yeah, I thought you were feeling ‘$200 on the slots’ lucky, not…”  

“Whaddya think, time to cash out? Or should we keep going?”

“Cash out,” Erin blurts. “Definitely. 100%. Cash out.”

“The wife has spoken, lads,” Holtz says. “Thank you very much.”

 

“What should we do with our wealth?” Holtz asks as they head up to their hotel room. “You want an engagement ring? I’ll buy you an engagement ring. Whatever your heart desires.”

“Hardly seems worth it. We were only engaged for a few hours.” Erin admires the thin band around her ring finger, still impressed with Holtz’s handiwork. “Besides, I’m okay with only having the wedding band. The marriage is the important part, not the engagement. Right?”

“Right,” Holtz says. “We gotta do _something_ with this money, though. It’s special. Honeymoon?”

Erin contemplates that. “Or has this trip suddenly turned into our honeymoon?”

Holtz clicks her tongue. “Good point.”

“I have an idea,” Erin says. “Why don’t we add it to the Save the Ghostbusters fund?”

Holtz boos. “That’s no fun. We’ve already saved the Ghostbusters. Between Patty’s grant and your plan to exploit the fans, we’re golden.”

“I did not endorse _exploiting_ the fans, thank you very much. I merely suggested that we profit off their interest in a way that’s mutually beneficial.”

“Eh, same thing.”

“I hate you.”

“Nah, you love me. That’s why you married me.”

“That’s true.”

Holtz bumps her shoulder. “How does it feel? Any regrets yet?”

“Not a single one,” Erin says.

“Atta girl,” Holtz says. “Me neither. And if our luck today is any indication of how blessed our marriage is by the universe, I’d say we’ve hit the jackpot. Hello lifetime of happiness, am I right?”

Erin hides a smile behind her hand. “I think you’re right.”

“By the way, I love you.”

“I love you too. And Holtz?”

“Yeah?”

“Thank you for saying yes.”

Holtz leans in, kisses her. “Thank _you_ for being crazy enough to ask.”

 

_took your heart, took your hand_

_promised you all that I had_

_hoping that you understand, I'm far from a perfect man_

_’cause honey, it’s been a hard year_

_  
_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did anyone see this coming? I hope not. :) One more chapter, friends! Hopefully it takes me less time to write than this one did


	10. yesterday

[yesterday](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h2BUaJm-D5Q)

_a new day, you can go, you can do anything you wanna_

_it's your play, swing low, go high, anywhere you wanna_

“You wanna head out soon? Hit the road again?”

Erin looks up from spinning her wedding band around her finger. Holtz is slouched in the chair at the desk in the corner.

“You mean leave and not spend the night here? What about the hotel room?”

“What about it?”

“Seems like a waste not to use it…”

Holtz quirks an eyebrow. “We are using it.”

“Sleep in it, I mean.”

They stare at each other across the room. Erin can tell they’re both thinking the same thing.

“Sooo,” Holtz says. “Uh. That pact we made last night.”

Erin blushes. “Yeah. We should talk about that.”

“We didn’t know,” Holtz says. “Y’know, that we were going to get married today. We could…bend the rules a little. Make an exception in the name of consummating our marriage.”

Erin nods slowly. “We could…do that. You wanted sex to be a celebration of our love. What bigger celebration is there?”

“Right.”

“Or, on the other hand…nothing’s changed. The emotional work we need to do hasn’t gone away magically with a couple of vows.”

“Exactly.”

“What do you think?”

“I thiiiink…” Holtz hesitates. “I think that we should stick to our guns. Physical relationship on hold until we work through what we need to.”

Erin smiles. “Me too. I think that’s the smart move. Plus, you know, in the meantime it’d be easy to get an annulment,” she jokes.

Holtz doesn’t laugh.

“You’re having regrets,” she says quietly.

“No,” Erin says quickly. “I swear I’m not.”

Holtz is silent for a second. “Do you think I am?”

Erin bites her lip. “It just…it happened so fast, and I’m worried you didn’t have time to…think about what it meant.”

Holtz stares at her. “Erin…why do you think I said yes?”

“I don’t know,” Erin says. “To prove that you’re going to stick around? To apologize for everything you put me through this year? Because you thought it would fix everything?”

“That was a rhetorical question, actually,” Holtz says. She sits up straighter in her chair, and that’s how Erin knows she’s taking this seriously. “And you’re so wrong. I wasn’t trying to prove anything. I wasn’t trying to apologize. Erin—it’s going to take me a lifetime to apologize for everything I’ve done. You said it earlier—nothing’s changed since last night. Our issues didn’t magically go away just because we got married, and I didn’t want them to.”

Erin chews on her lip.

“It wasn’t supposed to be a bandaid,” Holtz continues. “It wasn’t a magic pill to fix our relationship. It wasn’t an apology. It was a promise, Er. A commitment. Those vows were me promising to spend the rest of my life working my ass off to make sure we don’t end up on the wrong side of those 50-50 odds. Promising to work on myself and my communication and my self-image and my issues. Promising to do whatever it takes to make this relationship—this _marriage_ work. And I hope it was the same for you.”

Holtz shakes her head and swings her hands together. “You know why I said yes? It was because I put the idea in your head. Yesterday, after Space Mountain. I was the one rambling about kids and our future. Then, on the Haunted Mansion, I said the thing about changing our vows. I didn’t say those things because I was trying to get you to propose. I didn’t even say them because I was trying to prove that I was in it for the long haul. I said those things because for the first time since we’d started dating, I could picture a future with you, and I was excited.”

Erin frowns. “You never thought about it before yesterday?”

Holtz’s smile is sad. “I never _let_ myself. You were right—all year, I was sitting around and waiting for our relationship to end. I thought it was inevitable. I thought that since the beginning. I was sure that you’d come to your senses and realize you were better off—and if not that, then I knew that I’d run away eventually and implode it myself. I never pictured our future because I was positive that there _wasn’t one_.” She licks her lips and gestures around her. “You know why I’m so good at this?”

“At…gambling?”

Holtz chuckles. “In a sense, but I meant the whole road trip thing. Rolling with whatever happens. Winging it. Adamantly refusing to plan ahead.” Her smile falls and she looks at her hands. “That’s because when you plan ahead, it hurts when things don’t go the way you planned. It’s much less painful if you don’t have expectations. If you just see where the wind takes you.” She looks back up. “That’s why I live the way I do. I’m not a planner because I don’t let myself be one. I never let myself plan a future with you in my head, because I was trying to protect myself from the end that I thought was inevitable.

“But then yesterday—when we were fighting in line for Space Mountain and I listened to you, _actually listened_ —I felt hope for the first time and realized that I wanted to fight for us. And everything that I’d been fighting against internally burst free. Of _course_ I’ve thought about spending my life with you before yesterday, Er. Yesterday was just the first time that I could really see it happening.”

“Still, though, that was only yesterday. We didn’t exactly give ourselves any time to settle…”

“Yeah,” Holtz agrees, nodding, “it _was_ only yesterday. And now we have a lifetime to make our decision work, as long as you’re on the same page as I am.”

“I am,” Erin says sincerely. “I really am. I want it to work just as much as you do.”

“Good,” Holtz says, “because a lot of people are going to say that we were stupid and impulsive and reckless and crazy.”

Erin takes a deep breath. “Yeah. They are.”

“But you know what I think? I think we’re just crazy enough to make this work.”

Erin smiles.

“So,” Holtz says, clapping her hands and grinning, “where do you want to go next?”

Erin blinks in surprise. “I get to choose?”

Holtz gives her a smile. “Yeah. I’ve been forcing my no-planning philosophy you a lot on this trip—and the last one, too. You _are_ a planner, though. You deserve a chance to do what you do best. I’m sure it’s been exhausting for you to be outside of your comfort zone for such an extended period of time.”

“It has been…a lot,” Erin admits. “Isn’t that the point, though? To let go?”

“That was the point of the last trip,” Holtz says, coming to sit beside Erin on the edge of the bed. “The point of this trip is to make amends.” She kisses Erin’s cheek. “That includes you. It’s about time I stop badgering you and let you be yourself. I love you exactly the way you are. You don’t need to change for me.”

Erin considers that, then looks up. “But I was never changing for you. I was changing for me. _Evolving_ for me. I like who I am with you. You inspire me to be bold, take risks, let go…I _want_ that. That’s who I want to be.”

“Erin, you were all those things before you even knew me,” Holtz says. “Bold and adventurous and impulsive and _also_ a planner. You can be both.”

Erin shakes her head. “I wasn’t like this before I met you. Or even before our trip last summer. I cared so much about what people thought of me that I ruined my own life over it. Now I don’t care what anyone thinks of me. _You_ did that to me.”

“I didn’t do anything to you, Er,” Holtz says. “All I did was coax out what you already had inside you and encourage you to accept it, both the good and the bad. All that’s changed is that you’ve let go of the shame you were carrying about the traits you just listed, and become proud of who you are. You still care about what people think of you, only now you’re not desperate to prove you’re not crazy—you want people to know that you _are_. I think that’s pretty amazing. _You_ did that, Erin, not me. Look at how far you’ve come in a year. You inspire _me_ , not the other way around. You’ve always been perfect—and now you see what I’ve been seeing since I first met you.”

Erin blinks back tears.

“Thank you,” she whispers.

“So,” Holtz says, “where do you want to go?”

Erin swallows and nods. “I have an idea.”

 

_all these years I've been searching for who I'm supposed to be_

_all this time I've been wasting, 'cause I was right in front of me_

 

“It’s so…big.”

Holtz laughs. “Well, yeah. Why do you think they call it the ‘Grand’ Canyon?”

“I thought it meant grand as in, like, magnificent. You know, grand. Amazing. Awe-inspiring.”

“Right. As opposed to the Mediocre Canyon.”

Erin gives Holtz a little shove. “Shush.”

“Whoa, watch it, I’d hate to go tumbling into it,” Holtz says, windmilling her arms like a cartoon character. “Uh oh, Erin!”

“Stop that.”

Holtz grins. “Aren’t you glad you married me?”

“Most definitely,” Erin says.

 

They don’t stay long before they hit the road again, joining up with the highway and travelling through the Arizona desert past series of places with increasingly bizarre names. Grasshopper Junction. Chloride. Santa Claus.

They stop in Kingman for dinner, at an appropriately cheesy Route 66 themed diner. After that, they decide that this wouldn’t be a road trip if they didn’t spend a bit of time on the historic highway, so they set off on one of the still-standing stretches.

“Are we getting our kicks?” Holtz asks as Erin drives, humming a few bars of the iconic Chuck Barry song.

“I am,” Erin says. “Are you?”

Holtz has foot braced against the dashboard, her hand hanging out the passenger seat window.

“Hell yeah,” she says.

 

They drive until Flagstaff and check into a Days Inn for the night, where they collapse into the bed. It seems like eons ago when Erin was waking up on a beach in California to watch the sunrise.

“Is it just me, or has this been the longest, most eventful day ever?” Holtz says.

“I was just thinking that,” Erin says. “We got married today. That was _today._ ”

“We’ve had a lot of long days,” Holtz muses. “A _lot_ has happened in the past…how long has it been since we left?”

“Ten days.”

“The past ten days,” Holtz finishes. “It feels like an eternity ago that we left New York.”

“I wonder if we’ve missed much,” Erin says. “Other than the whole funding fiasco.”

“I’m sure Kevin’s been up to something,” Holtz says. “I don’t think it’s ever been longer than a week without him doing something bizarre.”

“Well,” Erin says with a yawn, “I’m sure we’ll hear all about it when we get back. But for now…”

“Time for bed, garlic bread?”

“Is this what I have to look forward to? Pet names even worse than the ones before we were married?”

“You know it, baseball mitt.”

“Oh my god.”

 

Erin wakes up the next morning to Holtz poking her cheek.

“…Can I help you?”

“Rise and shine, wife of mine. You ready to hit the road again and experience our second day of marriage?”

Erin glances blearily at the clock and blinks. “It’s 4:45 in the morning.”

“I know; we’re wasting precious time.” Holtz’s face lights up in a brilliant grin. “By the way, I love you.”

Erin yawns, eyes falling closed again. “Alright. Give me a minute to wake up.”

Holtz shakes her shoulder. “Erin.”

Erin opens her eyes again. “Hmm?”

“You fell back asleep. I gave you a two whole minutes. Up and at ’em!”

“Okay, okay,” Erin mumbles. She sits up and rubs her eyes. “Let’s go, then.”

 

They pull out of the hotel parking lot just as the sun is rising and get back on I-40. Erin lets Holtz drive because she seems considerably more awake than Erin is.

Erin pulls her map out while they drive and runs her finger along their route. “Anywhere you’re dying to go?”

“Texas,” Holtz says.

“Texas,” Erin repeats.

“I’ve never been, remember?”

Erin traces the map. “Well, if we stay on I-40, we’ll drive right through Amarillo. How does that sound?”

“Am-a be rillo with you, Erin: that sounds perfect.”

Erin can’t help but laugh.

 

Before they can get to Texas, they have to pass through New Mexico.

They get breakfast in Gallup and then drive until Albuquerque, where a myriad of signs advertising hot air balloon tours capture their attention.

Erin looks up a few of the companies on her phone while they drive and finds out that all of them only offer sunrise tours.

“We should’ve left even earlier,” Holtz says.

“So we should’ve left at midnight, then,” Holtz says.

“You’re impossible,” Erin says with a shake of her head. “Hey, here’s an alternative: we could go to the International Ballooning Museum.”

“Oh, hell yes,” Holtz says. “Take us there, solar flare.”

 

“I’m doing it, Erin! I’m flying a hot air balloon?”

Erin laughs. “And you’re doing a terrible job.” She gestures at the simulation screen in front of them. “There’s no way we’re going to make it.”

“You underestimate my flying capabilities,” Holtz says. “I flew a helicopter once—did I ever tell you about that?”

Erin looks sharply at her. “What? _When?”_

“Well, I was five years old—”

“Oh my god.”

“Worthwhile mentioning that my father owns a helicopter.”

“I’d say.”

“We went for a little spin. He let me take full control.”

“I bet.”

Holtz grins. “You don’t believe me? Next time we’re in Jacksonville, we’re asking him. He’ll tell you.”

“Well, in the meantime, you just landed us _completely_ off target.”

“Pssh, that was a beautiful landing! I’d like to see you do better.”

Erin lifts her chin. “Sure. Let me take a crack at it. I bet I could beat you with my eyes closed.”

“Uhhh…” Holtz looks over Erin’s shoulder. “Well, there are other people waiting patiently for a turn. Maybe we should…give them a chance.”

“In other words, you know I’m right,” Erin teases.

Holtz bumps her shoulder with a smile. “Maybe.”

 

After they finish up at the ballooning museum, they stop to get lunch at a Mexican restaurant, and then they make their way back to I-40.

They spend the next few hours crossing the rest of New Mexico, only stopping a handful of times to stretch and snap a few photos of the never-ending desert.

They end up in the unincorporated ghost town Glenrio, which extends into both New Mexico and Texas.

Holtz steps over the state line into Texas and throws her hands in the air. “I did it! I’ve been to Texas! We can go home now. The trip is complete.”

Erin laughs and takes a photo of Holtz underneath the sign for an abandoned motel which used to read _‘FIRST IN TEXAS’_ or _‘LAST IN TEXAS’_ depending on what side you were on. Now, only a few letters remain.

“Ghost towns kind of freak me out,” Erin says, arms wrapped around herself.

“That’s surprising,” Holtz says. “Why?”

“They’re just a reminder of how temporary everything is,” Erin says. “Look around. This used to be somewhere worth visiting.”

“It still is,” Holtz says with a soft smile.

 

It’s only about another hour after leaving Glenrio before they make it to Amarillo. They switched time zones at the border, but it’s still too early for dinner, so they wander the streets in search of something to do.

“Oh my god, _Erin._ ” Holtz tugs Erin by the hand down the street towards a store. “What could be more Texas than cowboy boots?”

They step inside the store and Erin is hit with the smell of leather.

“They’re beautiful,” she says, admiring the rows of handcrafted boots. “You’re not going to get a pair, though, right?”

“Uh, of course I am,” Holtz says. “Why wouldn’t I?”

“ _Boots hand-made for the working cowboy_ ,” Erin reads. “You’re not a cowboy.”

Holtz winks. “Or am I?”

True to form, Holtz purchases a pair of $400 cowboy boots, which she wears out of the store.

“There,” she says as they step out onto the street again. “ _Now_ the trip is complete.”

Erin just shakes her head with a smile.

 

They eat dinner there and then head out again, planning to drive for a little longer before they find a place to stay for the night.

They end up driving for another hour and a half before exiting the interstate in Shamrock, purely because of the name. They check into a Best Western with available rooms, and soon they’re lounging in the hotel’s tiny indoor pool.

“We certainly are covering the country,” Erin muses, floating on her back.

Holtz is splashing around the shallow end. “How many states have we hit so far?”

“New York, Pennsylvania, Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin, Minnesota, North Dakota, Montana, Idaho, Washington, Oregon, California, Nevada, Arizona, New Mexico, and Texas,” Erin lists. “17.”

“You missed Michigan,” Holtz says.

Erin stares at the ceiling. “We were barely in Michigan,” she says. “I don’t think it counts.”

“Well, whose fault is that?” Holtz jokes.

Erin doesn’t laugh.

Holtz swims closer. “I’m sorry. If you want to forget about it, we can forget about it. 17.”

Erin bites her lip and rolls over, treading water. “You know I don’t want to forget anything.”

Holtz shrugs in the water. “Yeah, but I was being a dick and trying to force you to go see your parents when you weren’t ready. When we tell the others about all the places we went, we can exclude Michigan.”

Erin is quiet for a moment. “I guess.”

Holtz must be able to hear something in her voice. “What?”

“I don’t know. I guess I’m just thinking about what it would’ve been like if I’d agreed. Let you take me to Battle Creek.”

“Do you wish you had?”

“I don’t know,” Erin repeats. “I don’t want to see them. I don’t need them in my life. All they’ve ever done was hurt me.”

“But?”

Erin dunks under the water, taking her time to come back up. When she does, she shakes her head. “Sometimes I just…imagine how good it would feel to yell at them. To tell them off. To tell them that I’m better off without them. To tell them to go to hell and say hello to all the ghosts they said weren’t real.”

Holtz makes a face. “I can tell that you haven’t thought about this at all.”

Erin lets out a light laugh. “Only for decades. Just for once I want to be the one with the upper hand. I want to storm in there and make them feel as awful as they should for everything they did to me.”

Holtz pauses. “So why don’t you?”

“Why don’t I what?”

“Go. To Michigan. We could stop on our way home.”

Now it’s Erin’s turn to make a face. “Of course not. That’s so out of our way.”

“Nah, out of our way would be if I wanted to go back to Vancouver to apologize to Jaclyn.”

“I’d support you if you wanted to do that,” Erin says.

“See? Then obviously I’d be more than happy to go to Michigan.”

“Well, it doesn’t matter,” Erin says. “I had my chance before and I wasn’t ready. I’m still not ready. It’s not gonna happen. Maybe someday, but not now.”

“Alright,” Holtz says, sending a little crest of water Erin’s way with her hand, “but just so you know: it’s not too late until we’re pulling into the rental car parkade in Manhattan. And even then it’s not too late.”

Erin can’t help but smile. “Thanks, Holtz.”

 

_here's to my yesterday_

_here's to change_

 

They leave early the next morning and cross into Oklahoma, making it to Oklahoma City by 8:30. They get coffee and donuts and sit while Erin spreads out her map to chart their path back to New York.

“If we get onto I-44 from here,” she says, tracing the line with her finger, “we can start heading northeast until St. Louis, and then from there we can decide which way we want to go to get back to New York. Either that or we stay on I-40 and head into Arkansas and drive through the South. Any preference?”

“What’s calling your name?” Holtz asks.

Erin surveys the map.

“I-44,” she says finally.

“I-44 it is,” Holtz agrees.

 

They get on I-44 and keep driving, stopping to stretch in Tulsa on the way. They take a little detour off the interstate at the corner where Oklahoma, Kansas, and Missouri join up, because they can’t stomach the thought of driving right by Kansas without setting foot in it. They circle into Galena, Kansas, and then immediately drive right into Missouri. The road-trip equivalent of dipping a toe into the ocean and then retreating.

They don’t stop again until Springfield, where they stop for a late lunch. While at the restaurant, they spot an ad for America’s only ride-through cave.

“Uh, obviously we have to do _that_ ,” Holtz says.

Erin is already looking up the address.

 

Soon, they’re seated side-by-side in a tram as they drive through a cave.

“You know what’s a fantastic word?” Holtz says.

“Stalactite?” Erin guesses.

“That stalag-might be close to what I was going to say,” Holtz says with a wink.

Erin laughs and settles back in her seat. Holtz’s arm is around her shoulders.

“I always thought caves were under-appreciated,” Erin says.

“Right? Love me a good cave,” Holtz says. “That’s not a euphemism. I just fucking love caves.”

“Holtz, there are children present.”

“What? Kids love caves too.”

“Sure do,” a young boy says.

Holtz beams.

 

After they finish their cave tour, they hit the road again. The stretch to St. Louis is long, and they make no stops aside from the necessary ones.

As they eat dinner there, Erin pulls out the map again.

“We really have our pick of interstates now,” she comments. “It all depends on what route we want to take.”

“What are our options?”

“Well. I-70…we could go Indianapolis…Columbus…Pittsburgh, maybe…”

“Or?”

“I-64 would be Louisville. Then we could either go through West Virginia, or we could go through Cincinnati, then Columbus, and basically end up on I-70 anyway. _Or_ we could—”

She breaks off when she realizes Holtz is watching her with a strange smile.

“What?” Erin touches her mouth. “Do I have food on my face or something?”

Holtz’s smile widens. “Nah. You’re just really cute when you get all plan-y. I should’ve let you do this ages ago.”

Erin blushes and ducks her head. “You should see me plan a whole trip from the beginning.”

“Do you have checklists?”

“Of course.”

“Itineraries?”

“How else would you keep on schedule?”

“Printed and laminated?”

Erin pauses. “No.”

Holtz raises an eyebrow.

“Yes,” Erin admits.

“I love you,” Holtz says.

 

They end up picking I-70 because they skipped Indianapolis on the way up, so Indianapolis is where they go. They switch time zones again at the state line between Illinois and Indiana, so they get to the city just after midnight local time.

They check into a hotel downtown and fall right into bed, exhausted by a long day of driving. Erin falls asleep within minutes of closing her eyes.

She dreams.

She’s standing in the shallow end of a hotel pool, and she can see Holtz treading water in the deep end, her back to Erin. Erin calls her name and it echoes loudly through the room. Holtz doesn’t turn.

Erin steps her way through the water, which feels as thick as molasses and is just as difficult to walk through. For every inch closer she gets, Holtz seems to be further away.

Then Holtz turns in the water, moving to the side, and Erin realizes that someone is with her. A body, floating face-down. A man.

As she tries helplessly to swim closer, Holtz rolls the bloated body over, and Erin can see who it is.

_“Dad!”_ she tries to scream, but she only gets half the word out when a wave crests over her head, submerging her in ice-cold water and filling her lungs.

She chokes, flounders, realizes that she’s not in a pool at all, but in the ocean. It stretches for miles around her in every direction, no shoreline in sight. She tries to shout Holtz’s name, but it’s too late.

She’s drowning.

She jerks awake, a scream dying in her throat.

“Hey, hey, Erin, it’s okay. It’s okay. You’re okay.”

Holtz is crouching beside the bed on Erin’s side. The light is on.

Erin’s heart is pounding so fast.

“It was just a dream,” Holtz says. “You’re okay.”

Erin reaches blindly for her and realizes that her eyes are filled with tears. Holtz grabs hold of her searching hand.

“I’m here,” Holtz murmurs. “Hold on, I’ll come back to bed.”

She lets go of Erin’s hand and quickly climbs over her to lie beside her, arms immediately curling around her protectively. Erin rolls over to face her and buries her head in Holtz’s chest, letting her tears soak her pajamas.

“It’s okay,” Holtz says again, rubbing Erin’s back. “It’s okay. Just a nightmare. I blame the Cheez-Its we were eating at 11:30. Those things are wicked.”

Erin sniffles but lets out a little giggle.

Holtz kisses the top of her head. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“No.” Erin shuts her eyes, sees the image of a floating corpse again, opens her eyes. “It was just a nightmare,” she echoes.

“Anything I can do?”

“This is good,” Erin whispers. Her breathing is starting to slow to a calmer pace. She runs her hand up to press against Holtz’s chest, over her heart, and leaves it there.

“I’m okay, too,” Holtz says gently. “You were screaming my name. I’m okay.”

Erin nods against her chest.

“Did you hear anything else?” she asks quietly.

A pause. “What’s the answer you want to hear?”

Erin bites her lip. “So you do know what I was dreaming about.”

Another pause. “I have an idea, yeah.”

Erin pulls back her head enough to see Holtz’s face. “Can you do something for me?”

“Absolutely. What is it?”

Erin hesitates. “Can you get my map?”

 

They sit side-by-side on the bed, Erin’s map spread out in front of them.

Erin’s staring at it, not saying anything.

Holtz doesn’t say anything either, just waits.

They stay sitting there for so long that Erin’s legs cramp up underneath her.

“Do you want to sleep on it?” Holtz asks finally.

“I don’t want to go back to sleep,” Erin says.

“Okay,” Holtz says, yawning on the word. Her eyes dart to the digital clock on Erin’s side of the bed. It’s almost 3:00am.

“You can go to sleep,” Erin says. “I don’t mind.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah. Of course,” Erin says. “One of us has to be awake enough tomorrow to drive, at least.”

“Okay,” Holtz says, giving her arm a reassuring pat. “Wake me up if you need me, okay?”

Erin nods and accepts a kiss on the cheek before Holtz sinks down and rolls over. She falls asleep almost instantly, part of the map covering her like a blanket.

Erin stares at the map some more. Her eyes follow I-69 north. She swallows.

She folds it up, sets it on the bedside table, and shuts the lamp off. She settles onto her back and fixes her gaze on the ceiling, eyes eventually adjusting to the dark.

She must fall asleep like that after all, but the dream doesn’t come back to her.

She wakes up when the sun starts coming though the curtains. Holtz is awake, but for once she’s not already up and dressed—she’s got one arm slung over Erin’s torso, holding her close.

“Morning,” Erin whispers.

“You okay?”

“I will be,” Erin says.

Holtz kisses her neck. “Okay.”

They stay there like that for almost an hour. It’s a welcome change from their early departures recently.

Holtz doesn’t prod further, which is also nice.

They get up eventually, shower, get dressed, and pack up their bags. Erin unplugs her phone charger from the port on the lamp and stows it in her purse, then picks up the folded map.

“Holtz?”

Holtz looks up as she swings her duffle bag over her shoulder. “Yeah?”

Erin swallows. “Mind if we make a detour?”

Holtz smiles. “Not at all, curtain call.”

 

_here's to my yesterday_

_no tomorrow without a yesterday_

 

It takes them less than four hours, stopping multiple times along the way—probably Holtz’s way of giving Erin time to change her mind—and then suddenly they’re driving the streets that Erin has tried so hard to forget over the years.

She watches out the window in silence aside from directing Holtz where to turn. Soon, too soon, they’ve parked on the side of the road in front of the scraggly lawn. Holtz turns the car off.

Erin doesn’t move.

“How does it feel to have the tables turned?” she asks. This feels familiar.

Holtz drums her fingers on the steering wheel. “I should be asking the same to you.”

Erin chews on her lip.

“Not too late to turn back,” Holtz says. “We could go check out Lansing instead.”

Erin watches a couple kids playing out on the front yard a few houses down.

“No,” Erin says. “I’ve waited long enough to do this. It’s time to tell them what I should’ve told them years ago.” She unbuckles her seatbelt and turns to look at Holtz. “Besides. I’d like to introduce them to my wife. You ready to see both of them have simultaneous heart attacks?”

Holtz grins.

Erin has one hand on the car door handle. She inhales, steeling herself for what she’s about to do.

“Alright,” she says, opening her door. “Time to go see my parents.”

 

Erin takes a deep breath before raising her hand to knock on the familiar door.

A minute goes by. A dog barks within.

Since when do her parents own a dog?

The door opens slowly to reveal a man who eyes them warily.

“Can I help you?” he asks gruffly.

Erin glances at Holtz, then looks back, swallowing. “Um. Hi. I’m looking for Ed and Sherry Gilbert?”

The man stares for a moment. “Hey, Martha?” he calls over his shoulder.

A woman rounds the corner into the hallway and comes closer. “Who is it?”

“The Gilberts—that’s who we bought the place from, right?”

The woman, Martha, nods. “They haven’t lived here in over a year.”

Erin says nothing, just stares at her feet.

Holtz steps forward beside her. “Any idea how we could get ahold of them? Are they still in Battle Creek?”

The man and Martha exchange a glance.

“Sorry. Can’t help you,” the man says.

“Do you have a phone book we could borrow?” Holtz presses.

“Sorry,” the man repeats, angling the door closed.

“Come on, Holtz, let’s just go,” Erin says quietly. “I’m sorry for bothering you.”

“Take care,” Martha says, and then the door is shut.

Holtz touches her arm as they turn and head back towards the car. “You okay?”

“I’m fine,” Erin says through gritted teeth. “It’s not like I was dying to see them anyway.”

She can feel Holtz watching her. “But you wanted closure.”

They reach the car. Erin holds her hand out for the key and Holtz passes it to her.

Erin waits until they’re both inside the car before answering.

“It doesn’t matter,” she says. “They’re not here. There’s nothing we can do.”

Holtz is silent for a moment. “We’ll find them,” she says firmly. “Not on this trip—clearly it isn’t meant to be. But we’ll find them once we get back to New York. I promise. I’ll help you. You deserve closure, Er.”

Erin sits quietly for a second longer, then turns the key in the ignition.

 

“You’re upset,” Holtz says after they’ve been driving for a while.

“I’m not upset,” Erin says reflexively.

“Disappointed?”

Erin bites her lip and puts her turn signal on to pass the truck in front of them. She waits until she’s changed lanes to reply.

“A little,” she says quietly. “I didn’t think I would be. I shouldn’t be. I don’t need them in my life.”

“No, but you need closure,” Holtz repeats. “Plus, you had all this time to psych yourself up to see them, and then it didn’t happen. Of course that’s disappointing. Now you have all that energy and nowhere to relieve it.”

“So what do I do, then?”

“I told you,” Holtz says, “we’ll find them. Maybe you can ask Eddie and see if he knows how to contact them? Maybe he has their new phone number.”

“Doubt it,” Erin says. “They hate him even more than they hate me. He wants nothing to do with them.”

“Well,” Holtz says, “maybe he wants closure too, then.”

“Maybe,” Erin says, but she somehow doubts it.

 

She drives them to Ann Arbor, where they get lunch and then wander around the University of Michigan campus, which just makes Erin nostalgic. She points out all the places that her and Abby used to hang out, and makes sure to text a lot of photos to the group.

[1:27pm] Patty: _????? weren’t u just in california???_

[1:28pm] Holtzmann: _that was days ago keep up ;)_

[1:28pm] Abby: _It’s not like you’ve been keeping us up to date…does this mean you’re coming home soon?_

[1:30pm] Erin: _We are on our way back to New York, yes._

They get back on the road. Determined to take a different route than they took on their way, they follow the signs for Pittsburgh, arriving there around dinnertime.

They find a restaurant and have dinner, then they drive up Mt. Washington to take in the view of the city.

“There’s a Mt. Washington on Vancouver Island, too,” Holtz muses. “Jaclyn and I went a few times.”

“Skiing?”

“Yeah. Tubing, too. They’ve got a sweet tubing run.”

Erin smiles and squints out at the city. “You said you’re going to call Jaclyn when we get back, right?”

“Yep.” Holtz hooks her thumbs in her belt loops. “Jaclyn, to apologize for ghosting her. Jacob, to apologize for my lack of involvement in his kids’ lives. I want to send a baby shower gift for Kelsey, too. I still can’t believe they’re having a third one.”

Erin smiles. “Maybe it’s your chance to start fresh and be involved this time around.”

“Yeah, if that’s what Jake wants. He might take a while to come around and forgive me. Doesn’t matter, though, I’m going to keep trying anyway. I don’t want to make the same mistake again.”

“Good,” Erin says. “What about your parents?”

“I owe them a call, too,” Holtz agrees. “I need to update them on my romantic situation.”

“I’ll say,” Erin says with a laugh. “Are they going to be shocked?”

“That we got married? Probably not. They know how impulsive I am. This checks out.” She grins. “They’re going to be furious that they didn’t get a chance to throw us a wedding, though.”

“Really?”

“Definitely.”

“Off to a rocky start with the in-laws,” Erin mutters.

Holtz laughs. “Don’t worry about it. It just means they might try to throw us a party later.”

Erin smiles. “That doesn’t sound too bad.”

“Eh, you should’ve seen Jacob and Kelsey’s wedding. Talk about over-the-top. We don’t like to flaunt our wealth a whole lot, but the Holtzmanns do throw a helluva party.”

“I believe it.”

“You realize you’re one of us now, right? You’re a part of the family.”

Erin thinks of Holtz’s parents and how nice they were, how loving, how welcoming, and smiles. She can live with that. They’re the parents she always wished she had.

“And the kids—Noah and Madison and baby number three, and Jenna’s son Wyatt—they’re your nieces and nephews now, too,” Holtz continues.

“I guess they are, aren’t they?”

“Were you already an aunt before this? Does Eddie have kids?”

Erin shakes her head. “Not that I know of.”

“Well there ya go, then. Instant aunt.”

“Of all the things I thought might happen on this trip, _that_ is definitely not one of them,” Erin says.

Holtz chuckles. “It has been a whirlwind of unexpected adventures, hasn’t it? This isn’t how I thought this trip would turn out either.”

Erin smiles. “Isn’t that the whole point?”

Holtz smiles too, reaching to clasp her hand. “You know, at the end of the day, we can’t change the past, but even if we could, I wouldn’t change a single thing that happened on this trip. Or even in the past year.”

Erin studies her with surprise. “Really?”

“Really. Because if things hadn’t unfolded like they did, who’s to say where we’d be standing right now? Everything we said, everything we did, everything we saw…we wouldn’t have this moment without it. It doesn’t mean I’m not incredibly sorry for the things I did and said to hurt you, or that I’m trying to excuse my shitty behavior. It just means that…”

“You don’t have regrets?”

Holtz nods. “Do you? Is there anything you’d change?”

Erin contemplates that for a moment. “This past year has been hard. This _trip_ has been hard. I’ve spent a lot of time wishing things were different and wondering what it would be like if they were.” She pauses. “But ultimately…that’s what life _is._ It _sucks_ sometimes. But without spending time in the deepest rivers, you’ll never climb to the top and see how beautiful it can be.”

“Was that a mountain metaphor?” Holtz teases.

“Shush. You know what I mean. All I’m trying to say is…I’m with you. Without going through what we’ve been through this year—and these past couple weeks—we wouldn’t be where we are. More than that—we wouldn’t know where to go from here. We wouldn’t know what we need to do in order to to make this work. We have a lot of work cut out for us, and a lot more ups and downs in store—but our horizon looks pretty damn good from up here.”

Holtz grins and squeezes her hand. “For better or for worse.”

Erin smiles. “For better or for worse,” she echoes.

They stand in silence for a while, just admiring the view.

“Guess we should head out soon,” Erin says.

Holtz shields her eyes from the sun with her other hand. “We’re going to make it,” she says abruptly.

Erin checks her watch. “Back to New York? I don’t think so—not tonight. It’s still like six hours from here.”

Holtz chuckles. “No. _Us_. We’re going to make it.”

“Oh.” It’s Erin’s turn to squeeze Holtz’s hand. “Yeah. We are.”

 

_here's to my future_

_goodbye to yesterday_

 

They end up staying the night in Pittsburgh and rising fairly early. Unless they get held up somewhere or take another detour, this is the last day of the trip, and Erin’s not sure how she feels about that.

It’s clear they’re both thinking about it. Holtz drives a little slower than usual. Erin understands—as much as she’s eager to get home, she also doesn’t want the trip to come to an end. It’s the same way she felt last summer.

They drive until they get to Hershey, which warrants a stop. They reach Hershey’s Chocolate World just as it’s opening for the day and have fun taking the Chocolate Tour before hitting up the expansive gift shop, filled with every kind of Hershey’s product imaginable.

They walk out some time later with their arms full of chocolate and themed merchandise. Holtz buys Erin a bar that’s molded to say _I love you,_ which she manages to sneak past her at the register and hide until they’ve returned to the car. Erin decides to save the special bar for later and adds it to the bag with the rest of the chocolate that they bought. She stashes the by her feet in the car and cranks up the AC to keep them from melting in the July heat.

As they embark on the final leg of their trip, Holtz turns the radio up as loud as they can stand it and sings along with gusto as she drives, getting most of the lyrics wrong of every song that plays but not seeming to care. After a while, Erin joins in on the fun, singing along to songs she’s never heard before.

For the very last stretch, just after Newark, they have to get back on I-95. The very interstate that they practically lived on during last summer’s trip down the east coast.

“Seems like just yesterday we were coming back from the last one,” Holtz says, reading her mind.

Erin watches the familiar city pass by through her window.

“Yeah,” she says. “It really does.”

 

They drop the rental car off first, filling it with gas and clearing it of all their belongings. It’s a little bittersweet saying goodbye to the mint-coloured car that has seen them through so much in the past two weeks.

Holtz salutes it. “You have done well, little one. Thank you for witnessing our marriage and taking us where we needed to go, even when it wasn’t where we wanted to go.”

They take the subway to the firehouse next, wanting to see the others before they take their stuff home. It’s still early in the day, too.

When they step inside their esteemed headquarters, hauling all their bags with them, Abby and Patty are nowhere to be seen. Kevin lifts his head at his desk.

“Hello,” he says. “Welcome to the Ghostbusters. What do you want?”

“Okay, first of all, is that how you usually greet visitors?” Erin shakes her head. “Secondly, Kev, it’s us.”

He stares.

“Erin and Holtzmann,” Holtz prompts. “You’ve known us for two years.”

“We’ve only been gone two weeks,” Erin says. “Seriously?”

His face lights up. “Oh!” He picks up his phone and dials. “Hey. The lesbians are back.”

Holtz snorts. “See? He knows who we are.”

“Does he, though?”

“Okay. I will. Thanks. Love you too.” Kevin hangs up the phone and smiles at them expectantly.

Erin squints. “Who were you talking to?”

“My mom.”

“Why would—”

Holtz puts a hand on Erin’s arm. “Don’t question it.”

Erin shakes her head in amazement. “Okay, well, where are Abby and Patty, then?”

“Uhhh…”

“The other two,” Holtz says. “The ones who have also been working here for two years.”

“They’re fishing,” Kevin says, very matter-of-fact.

Erin leans closer. “Fi— _fishing?_ They’re _fishing?_ ”

“Yeah.”

Holtz folds her arms across her chest with an amused expression. “Kev, is it possible you misheard what they said?”

He shakes his head. “No, that’s what they told me. They’re fishing the containment unit.”

Erin blinks. “Fishing…for _ghosts?”_

“Wait,” Holtz says. “ _Finishing?_ Finishing the containment unit?”

“Yeah. There they are,” Kevin says, pointing.

They both turn in time to see Abby and Patty step out from the door in the back corner.

“What did you do to my baby?” Holtz asks, voice rising in pitch.

“Relax,” Abby says, rolling her eyes.

“You can’t jet off for two weeks and expect us to not fix a leak in the containment unit just because y’all ain’t here,” Patty says.

“There was a leak?” Erin says, at the same time that Holtz says, “Sure I can.”

“We dealt with it, no thanks to you,” Abby says.

Patty claps her hands. “ _So._ Hey. Welcome back. What’d you bring us back this time? It better be something good. We had to deal with a lotta shit while you were gone.”

Erin and Holtz look at each other.

Abby stares. “ _Tell_ me you didn’t fail to bring us souvenirs two years in a row.”

Erin holds up the Hershey’s bag in her hand. “Uh, we have chocolate!”

“Mustard!” Holtz blurts. “I bought you mustard at the Mustard Museum.”

Erin glances at her. “Didn’t you use most of that trying to eat up your billion loaves of sourdough before they went stale?”

“There’s still a couple jars left.”

“So, chocolate and mustard,” Patty says dryly. “That’s all? What about the package from Wisconsin?”

She nods her chin towards the stairs, where a tall, flat package is leaning against the wall. Erin frowns.

Holtz lights up. “My door!”

Now Erin remembers. She groans. “Oh. Right. Your $7,000 door.”

“You bought a $7,000 door but didn’t buy us souvenirs? Unbelievable,” Abby says.

Holtz and Erin laugh.

“What else did you get?” Patty gestures at them. “More matching tattoos?”

Erin exchanges a look with Holtz.

“No,” Erin says slowly. “Not matching _tattoos_ …”

Holtz winks at her. “We got matching _something_ , alright.”

She tilts her head, a question, and Erin nods slightly.

They both hold up their left hands at the same time and wait.

“No,” Patty says. “ _No.”_

Abby gapes. “Tell me you didn’t. What the _fuck?”_

“Oh my god,” Patty says. “This is…”

“Crazy?” Erin supplies.

“Naw, the tattoos were crazy. This is beyond crazy.”

Abby is still staring. “Were you drunk?”

“Nope,” Holtz says cheerfully.

“Stoned? Dehydrated? Did you have heatstroke?”

“We were fully sober,” Erin says before Abby can keep going. “We knew what we were doing.”

“So you know that this is, like, permanent, right?”

“Kinda the point, Abs,” Holtz says. “Besides, it’s not as permanent as the tattoos, if we’re ranking them that way.”

Patty shakes her head in disbelief. “What the hell happened on this trip?”

Erin and Holtz exchange another glance.

Holtz licks her lips. “Well. In order to answer that question, I think we need to go back to the beginning.”

Erin holds out her hand and Holtz takes it. Erin squeezes reassuringly.

“We better sit down and settle in for the long haul,” Holtz says. “It’s time I told you the truth about me.”

 

It takes hours, but Holtz does it. She tells Abby and Patty everything. She tells them about her family. She tells them about Leah. She tells them about her time living in Canada. She tells them about Ben and Nathan. She tells them about Emily.

They tell them what happened on the last trip, and what happened on this one.

Holtz is nervous, and it shows. She doesn’t try to hide it. She doesn’t leave out anything—even the parts that make her look bad. She owns up to everything that she put Erin through this year. She owns up to the terrible things she’s done throughout her life. She admits to suing Ben and Nathan for visitation rights. She admits to changing her phone number so her own family wouldn’t contact her. She admits to receiving and destroying the other letters from Nathan.

She includes even more details than she’s told Erin, the floodgates opening. Erin holds her hand the whole time.

When they’re done, Abby and Patty sit in stunned silence for a minute.

“Thanks for telling us, Holtzy,” Patty says. “I’m proud of you.”

“You don’t hate me?” Holtz asks in a small voice.

“Pssh. Never. You messed up—everyone does.”

They sit waiting for Abby to say something.

She fiddles with her hands. “You know, I’ve always had my doubts about you two, ever since last summer. I was the one who didn’t think you’d ever get together because of your emotional issues. And that’s before I even knew the extent of them.”

Holtz nods in agreement.

Abby looks up. “I’ll be honest. I’m still not sure. But you know what? This whole impulsive thing—this is you. It always has been. And if anyone could pull this off, it’s you two. So…congrats. I really, _really_ hope that this works out.”

Erin smiles. “Thanks, Abby.”

And that’s that. It’s all out in the open.

Erin feels lighter, and she’s sure that Holtz must too.

Holtz stands, stretches, and extends her hand to Erin. “Well? Are you ready to go home, garden gnome?”

Home. She’s not even sure where that is, now. They haven’t talked about it yet, but obviously it’s time for them to move in together. The only question is where. Will it be Erin’s apartment? Holtz’s apartment? Or a third space, yet to be discovered, one that’s uniquely theirs?

It doesn’t really matter, Erin realizes. Home is wherever they’re together—but that’s not what Holtz is asking.

She’s asking if Erin is ready for this trip to end.

8,000 miles. 21 states. 14 days. Four time zones. Two countries. One wife.

And Erin wouldn’t change one minute of it.

Erin takes Holtz’s hand and lets her pull her to her feet as well.

“I’m ready,” she says confidently. “Let’s go home.”

 

_in all this trouble I've met_

_I haven't got one single regret_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We made it! Thank you for coming on this journey with me! I'm just going to give a shoutout to myself for deciding at the last possible minute to do NaNoWriMo this year, because without that pressure I never would've pulled this chapter together as fast as I did. Up next: finishing my other WIPs and maybe, just maybe, working on a third part to this series ;) 
> 
> Thanks for sticking with this fic even when I dragged you through hell, and thank you for encouraging me along the way. There were many times this year that I felt like giving up on this fic (sound familiar?) but I'm really glad I didn't. Cheers, guys :')

**Author's Note:**

> Remember when polaroid took you on the angst train and then I fixed everything by the end? No sending me death threats this time around, okay? Have faith in me, guys :)
> 
> Thank you to these [lovely](http://clara-letmebebrave.tumblr.com) [individuals](https://priorisn7.tumblr.com) for stepping up to beta this! Come [follow me on Tumblr](http://jillbert.tumblr.com) to hear about my writing process because research for this sequel has already been as fun as research for the first one and you just might hear a hint or two.


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